The Cry of The Lone Wolf

Sometimes I feel like howling at the the moon. The lone wolf in me has had enough. I’m tired of trying my best. I want to head off alone. And leave everything behind.

I feel there comes a point in the process of change that is a real squeeze. I’m too far forward to go back. Yet hanging on by my fingertips to the past. It is what has defined me. So it’s safe. But very restricted. The future me is undefined. Unknown. I feel as if I’m the lone wolf. Running ahead of the pack. Sensing my way forward past the danger, imagined or real, that waits up ahead. But I don’t want to be a lone wolf either. I want my pack around me. Even want them to be making the decisions for me. Because that is easier. I can always say it was their fault if things go wrong.

In truth the lone wolf is just that. I am the one who is responsible for myself. It’s me making the choices. So when I can’t choose I’m ready to howl. Howl at the restrictions on my creativity. Roar at the fear that is pushing and pulling at me. Scream my resentment of the expectations I place on myself. Most of which are the product of other people’s expectations of me. And whimper at my lack of confidence in myself. Because otherwise all I would sound is the whine of my despair. Change is a dispiriting process. At times the excitement of the new is wiped completely by the concrete stuckness of the old. Breaking out of old habits is hard.

So is understanding the basis of those habits. I stand, like a lone wolf, panting and howling, raging against being human in the first place.

Today has been a day of wanting to go home. Back to the dimension I originated from. To leave the struggle of being human far behind me. I’ve wanted to escape what’s in front of me. Mostly because I know I’ve gone a bit off track. I’ve forgotten what my passion is. I’m still trying to do what is expected of me. Instead of racing off to do what I want. So the Universe has been slowing me down. No, the Universe has ground me to a halt. My batteries are flat. I’m frustrated with myself. The easy way to deal with this is say that it’s the world at fault. I also know that’s not true. I understand I’m not honouring my talents. Which means that no one else is either.

The lone wolf in me wants to snap and bite. Yet that wolf is also a leader. One who is prepared to be in advance, scouting out the way for the rest of the pack. Being brave enough to howl when necessary. Or to test the ground as much as is needed. Even if it means being the only one. Being alone. Running ahead all by myself. The cry of my innner wolf means several things today. It’s is the strength I draw on to persevere over rough ground. It is the eyes to see through the darkest night. And the intelligence to find the firm, safe ground on the path ahead. The wolf in me will spring ahead once I’ve finished my anguished ‘Why?’ cry to the Moon. Because there are creative solutions to changes. And I’m good at sniffing them out.

If it’s been a lone wolf day for you too I welcome you to my tribe. If you are going through changes I remind you that you are a creative being too. Join me in a chorus of howls before we move on once more.

Day 492 of my blogging challenge. 

Guide Power!

ZuluGuideIt seems that now I’ve started with Wolf Running some of the others in my Guide team would like a mention. I love that there are so many helpers available to me. It’s awe-inspiring.

Over the years I’ve been fascinated by the way that my Guides have shifted around. One steps in whilst another steps out. One has a skill with crystals, another with public speaking and a third with energy healing. I have to say that I originally thought I would only have one Guide. Some of the books I read and the events I attended gave that impression. It was odd to notice that Wolf Running was stepping out of connection sometimes and that someone else was working with me. His energy was so familiar and safe. What were others doing stepping into his place?

I was used to Spirit people bringing messages. Why where these other Spirit people hanging around and not giving messages to their loved ones? Gradually the light dawned. They expected to be able to work with me too. I have to admit that I got very challenging when it happened the first time. The Pastor started to appear during my church or spiritual centre demonstrations. He was rather too stern for my liking. Good at philosophy but serious with it. He needed to get his points across. The messages were certainly different to what I was used to. So I did my usual. I had a wobbly.

Annie the Amazon

I can go in guns blazing if necessary. It’s not something I do often. The Pastor got both barrels and so did Wolf Running. I didn’t want to change the way I worked. I wanted the security of my Gatekeeper. Why should I work with anyone else? I held out for six weeks. The Pastor kept bouncing in at every service I did. I struggled to get a decent link most of the time. Afterwards I would strongly debate with my Gatekeeper why change was necessary. He was very patient. So was the Pastor. A good man but a fundamentalist at heart when he was down here. Of course a part of me knew I was on the loosing side already. I wanted to give messages because I knew how much people benefited from the hope their loved ones brought.

One evening I stood up to give some wise words (my term for a philosophy, sermon, address or whatever you want to call it). The Pastor stepped in close and started to speak. His words were so moving I found myself almost in tears. He spoke from the heart about love. He explained why we had to work hard to love ourselves and each other. The words he used were simple. Afterwards people thanked me for the words that had been spoken. I had already realised why I had to work with him. His compassion as a Spirit being was based on the lack of compassion he had here in his human life. He wanted to be different. I was giving him a chance to heal his karma. It was a very special moment.

Bring in the Children

The Pastor and I worked together for a couple of years. He taught me to be precise in what I spoke on behalf of the Spirit World. I understood his need for me to be serious and learn my trade so to speak. I learned that my service of passing on evidence and messages was a privilege that could’t be taken lightly. We found a way to share the same energy together and make it work. Settling into my stride I did still think he was the only other Guide I would have. Until one day I was driving to a church and found myself laughing over nothing. The Children had joined me.

There are quite a few children. They like my energy apparently. They love to play. I was ready for a break from serious and they were perfect. As they liked to play I often found myself in a game hide and seek with one or more of them. They also loved to play with pendulums. Great for paranormal nights when I would ask them to get the energy moving. They were aged from about 3 to 12 years old. I felt like they had decided to shake me up a bit. I loved their energy as they flew around the room or got people giggling. The Children have been wonderful Guides. I discovered the child-like side of me that wanted to play too. I certainly had some adventures in their company. They pop back in every now and again when I’m ready to play some more.

Time for Trance

There was another adventure that the Children and the Pastor had to step back from. This was my journey into Trance Mediumship. I’m fascinated by the mind. By how we can be in altered states of consciousness that appear as real as this reality I feel I’m conscious in now. To discover that there were states of consciousness where Energy Beings could communicate in a deeper fashion was exciting. I needed to explore. But I needed a Guide who could help me to do so. As my Guide team shuffled around once more I met my Trance Guide. My young Zulu warrior can out of a meditation. Walking out of the sunlight across a sandy plain with scrubby grass. I’m always ready to challenge what I get. I called on Wolf Running. I wanted to check out this new person. Would he really keep me safe? Could I trust him?

Of course it was a yes. I had been sent a Guide experienced in patience (not my strong point) who would steady me whilst I learned to give over control of my conscious mind. I was delighted that the adventure could begin. I suppose I was trying to run before `i could walk. I gradually learned to slow down. To be patient with myself. To listen to the few words my Zulu Guide gave me. To follow his lead by reading his energy. In time I was able to work in deeper altered states. I could show people changes that took place to my appearance. Spirit people could speak through me in nearly their own voice. Then I found I couldn’t speak at all.

Moving on to new challenges

When I stopped speaking in trance my Zulu friend stepped back. It was time for me to begin another journey. New Guides would be coming in. I am working with a new part of my team to develop Direct Voice. This is a form of mediumship where the Energy Beings speak but without using my vocal chords. I’m interested to see what will happen. I know that the right Guides will be with me on this journey too. The team is always just who it ought to be.

I love having a team around me. I know that whatever expertise I need will always be on hand. I am so glad to find that I have more than one individual supporting my spiritual development. I love the freshness of each day when I find out who is by my side. I also love that at any given moment there is more than one Being looking out for me. My team have stood the test of my questioning, arguing and resisting. I hope you are inspired to find out who is in your team. You have more help than perhaps you realise at the moment. Enjoy the adventure of finding out!

Day 228 of my blogging challenge.

Wolf Running

Grey Wolf (Canis lupus)

Grey Wolf (Canis lupus)

I often get asked about my Guides. Or to tell people about their Guides. As a reluctant medium I’m also reluctant to talk about Guides in anything other than general terms. I prefer people to work out their own relationships with their Guide Team because then you know what is true for you.

Today I had a lovely discussion with some friends about my Gatekeeper Guide. A Gatekeeper Guide is the one who stays with you all the way through your life. From the moment you decide to fall to Earth until the moment you are back in the Pink Perfect this Spirit will walk alongside of you. The job of this particular Guide is to remind you why you came here. It’s also to keep you on plan. And to give you early warning when you are drifting away from your true purpose. Of course I didn’t listen to my Gatekeeper for most of my life. It’s a good job he was prepared to be patient!

I realised as I spoke about my Gatekeeper that explaining why he was with me and how I found him was relevant to other people looking to make a connection with their Guides. So with his permission I am going to tell you our story. I’m aware that some people will find it hard to accept what I say. That doesn’t actually matter. The important thing is to dispel the mystery around Guides.

In come the wolves

When I started to explore my intuitive senses I had no idea about being a medium. Or actually about being in contact with Guides or any other sort of Energy Being. I was on a search for spiritual understanding. In several meditations I found myself surrounded by wolves. There was always one beautiful, blue eyed, light coated wolf who seemed to be leading of the pack. I loved the energy they brought me. As I expanded my understanding the wolves came more often. They became my protectors. They still work with me now. The wolves were my first clue.

Of course I had been working on my own past lives for years. So the next clue should have been obvious. I went along to several vision quest events and always seemed to end up with a head full of the sights and sounds of a Native American village. These experiences were very vivid. I knew very little about the traditions of the Tribes. Yet when I went in search of information it seemed my recall had an unexpected level of detail. Eventually I also discovered the aches and pains of that life. Literally. When you work with past lives your body ‘remembers’ the dis-ease in that energy life. If you seek information your body will also show you by developing symptoms.

Grey Wolf and I: our Past Life together

Still not putting the pieces together I started into developing my mediumship. At first all I could sense was as if someone was standing behind me. Sometimes I saw an large eye. Now and again there was a wave of warm loving energy. Over time I started to recognise a familiar feeling. It was as if I knew this energy. There was a connection. I could feel myself pulled towards this other ‘person’. Then I had a sequence of dreams. In each dream I was talking to a man. In each dream he looked different. By the third dream I knew it was the same person. I remember saying I know it’s you no matter which face you wear. The dreams stopped but my ‘person’ started to become much stronger.

I caught glimpses of him. I asked his name. He gave me a nickname to use. I asked him why I felt so strongly connected to him. He said because. No matter what I asked about him personally he replied with jokes or no answer at all. At the same time I found all sorts of books about Native American history kept turning up. People gave them to me as gifts. Or passed them on to me because they had read them. I finally read a book called Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee. It hit home very hard. After I finished it the pains in my right knee, side and shoulder made perfect sense. They were the wounds that had killed me.

The past is the past

A few nights after that I lay in bed talking to my Gatekeeper. I told him I knew where we had been together last. I also knew that he had not intended me to die. His love for me was so strong that he had carried a sense of guilt and blame back into the Spirit World. His decision to stay there and help me from that side of life was all about protecting me better. He had made his presence known so slowly because he thought I would reject him. In those moments I understood why he had been testing me. He wanted to make sure that I could accept him and work with him. As we spoke and I released him from the promise he had made himself he told me his true name. That is when Wolf Running took his place fully beside me.

Now we work together to unite the two worlds by sharing understanding and knowledge with others. Often people find that meeting with their Guides is slow, tentative, frustrating. When you deepen your connection with the Energy Beings you also start to clear the past life karma that has been between you. Be patient with yourself and your Guides. There might be many very valid reasons why they are reluctant to step forward in a rush. They value the relationship you are building with them. Look for the clues they send you. I know I missed quite a few! Be open to the story behind your decision to work together. Enjoy the process of discovery. I love that I have such a devoted Gatekeeper. He loves that I am finally listening. We run with the wolves together.

Day 227 of my blogging challenge.