Tag Archives: Silence

The Best Laid Plans …

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I had plans for today. Weeks ago I had scheduled a workshop working with silence to produce inner healing. A great way to spend a Saturday.

However, the best laid plans often turn upside down. Years ago I was very hooked on planning everything. I lived by my diary. It gave me a sense of control at a time when life often felt out of control. Planning was my coping mechanism. I had it down to a fine art. Probably because I was also a project manager. With a hectic job. And lots of juggling to do. So working to a plan in my private life had it’s appeal too. But I also used to get very frazzled when my plans were upset. I hated having to reschedule things. I had become inflexible.

In my reliance on plans I had forgotten how to be spontaneous. It has taken me quite a few years to unhook myself from a reliance on planning or control. Today I could see a real difference in my reaction to the change of events. The workshop didn’t run. I knew that it wouldn’t earlier in the week because no one had booked to do it. I decided that I would do the activities for myself. Since it was based around ways of using silence to access inner blockages being on my own at the Centre was perfect. And I have plenty to do at the Centre right now. A couple of weeks ago I gave notice on my art studio/office. All the stuff from there has been moved over. It needs sorting out.

It was exactly what I needed. A day of sorting out and clearing. Not having any other plans became a bonus.

Sifting through paperwork different things caught my attention. Memories of achievements. Form filling that took up too much time. Journals reminding me of my journey to now.  Deciding what to keep and what to loose. Organising where to file or put things. Part way through this silent contemplation I got an opportunity to discuss some things with a visitor. A good friend dropping by to collect some items. We sat in my healing room having a cuppa. Because it was the only clear space. But perfectly right for our conversation. I felt able to share my vulnerability. The wander through old papers had reminded me how sometimes I forgot to ask for support. Or even notice it was there.

I learned early in my life to make myself invisible. Because there were times when people around me seemed to treat me as if I was. When I needed help it became difficult to ask for it. Help seemed not to be for me. So I learned to cope. That was my ‘making plans’ behaviour. Talking with my friend I could see how I still hide sometimes, forgetting to ask for what I need and letting myself be treated as if I’m invisible. My ‘I can cope’ energy can be very strong. The silent contemplation during my task led to a very healing discussion. Something that couldn’t have happened if my plan for the day had stayed the same.

Going back to my work of moving and rearranging furniture I returned to my silence. Plans for where to store things bounced around my head. The layout of the room changed back and forth too.

Working quietly away I recognised the energy flows of the room. Listening to my intuition I placed things where it seemed most natural and easy. Once in position some things felt ‘right’. My Centre was taking shape around me in a natural flow. Any plan I had made already taken over by the feelings. Mind left aside for once. Again I sat with my cup of tea and thought about what had been happening. When I pay attention to my intuition there is a feeling of order out of chaos. Although my mind would have me set things up in a logical way I somehow feel restricted. Each piece going into place was like another click of the puzzle. My space is being created in a way that will be right for what I feel not what I think.

It felt good to recognise how creative my approach felt. As the chaos gently receded there was a place for everything and everything in it’s place. As if calm was gently spreading in the room item by item. How precious that silence had been. Giving me time to wander through options. Letting me weigh up each action to see if it felt right to the inner me. I reflected in how much I refer to the inner me now. My decisions are taken based on that inner guidance rather than the shoulds, musts and ought of the outer world. After all that is what I have been aiming for in my personal development. Of course I have to be ready to let my plans disappear. And for the most part the silence helped me realise that I do.

In the end I understand that I will continue to make plans. I’m happy to know that if my day changes into something else entirely it’s exactly what is required. All things considered silence has provided me with a very healing day.

Day 530 of my blogging challenge 

Silence, Dark, Fear? A Quest.

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imageSometimes when I’m clearing stuck energy I get myself into a right tiswas! Sleep seems impossible and my ego mind won’t shut up.

I guess that’s what being on retreat can mean too. When I step out of my everyday routine it creates space for the thoughts at the back of my mind to rush forward. That’s why I love silence and find it unsettling at the same time. The ego mind keep a low level conversation going on in the background most of the time. When I deliberately listen in to that conversation I am shown all that I fear. It’s not pleasant either. I have to face and embrace the dark, shadow side of me.

A long time ago I started a series of Vision Quests. I wanted to create some space where I could be open to my higher self. It was also important to me to heal myself from depression. Engaging in a quest, a search for who I was, seemed like a useful way to open myself up to part of me that had been buried deep down somewhere. Although I used a Native American model of spirituality the quest also connected for me with our Celtic shamanic tradition. My hope was to ‘travel’ to other spaces where I could have a different perspective on life. My life in particular.

I undertook Vision Quests in all sorts of circumstances. The ones I found the most challenging where those that took me through the dark night.

In the dark our accepted perceptions of the world shift. It’s easier to jump at shadows. To react to unfamiliar noises. I certainly found that the darkness stripped away my veneer of civilisation very quickly. The night is a place of the ego mind. Not being used to the night as an awake experience I found it hard to handle my ego mind. My fear level was sky high as my survival instinct seemed to cut in. What on earth could happen to me though? I was safe even if I was outside of my normal comfort zone.

I wonder when I became conditioned to fearing the dark? Perhaps it’s a shared fear of the collective unconscious? Do I hide from the dark because I know that it offers more knowledge of myself that I can handle in the light of day? On several occasions I was in moonlight. That felt more comfortable but only just. That ego voice still rumbled on making me feel uncomfortable. Yet going through the process of listening to myself I found I was able to look at my fearfulness. I could see where it had led me to judgements and assumptions. I could understand that the ego thinks self-preservation is only possible when we frame people as ‘other’ and competition. That I have inside me a drive to think of myself as an individual rather than as connected to all and everything.

Some would say that’s how we survived in times of scarce resources. Yet do I need that ego chatter now?

One of the most positive things in my life is my ability to connect. I can connect with everything if I let myself. I experience the world as a web of energy. The ego voice is an old evolutionary drive. It doesn’t meet what I need in my life now. It’s a distraction. The wonder of being connected is nourishment for my Spirit. It makes me limitless. It makes us all limitless. In our search for ‘something’ that gives life a purpose connecting into the energy of everyone and everything is amazing. Because I’m still me and you are still you. And at the same time we are each other.

So my retreat is a challenge to me to see how much ego chatter is still left. I am certain I want to release the energy of that chatter. It’s what prevents me from becoming more connected to myself and the energy world. I know that I have new tasks coming my way soon. The signals have been very clear. It’s time to refocus on the ways in which I’m meant to serve my higher purpose for being here. And that’s not in the way my ego thinks. Certainly not in ways that my ego will feel comfortably safe. That’s why I have to remove the chatter.

I am in the process of remembering all that I am. All that we in this reality are.

I’m in the dark bringing in the Light. Ego has no place in the work I’m doing. Whether we are ready for it or not, we are all in the process of remembering. Together we are creating a new way forward for humanity by remembering our source energy. When you are bombarded by your own ego chatter do your best to remember that you are a bright Spirit in a dark place. The long night will pass and Light will shine from you again.

Day 258 of my blogging challenge.

Silence is Golden

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imageOne of the things I love is being able to find some silence. It’s precious, golden, priceless to have moments with no outer distractions. Sitting in my Centre before the Drop In or later in the evening when the day is winding down is an opportunity to step off the planet for a while. I let the silence envelop me and listen to my mind running on about all the everyday concerns. It’s not quite like a meditation. I’m not trying to still my thoughts. Actually I want to listen to them to see what themes are going round and round in my head. It’s a way to let the worry and fear surface from the corners I’ve pushed them into so I can find out how I might be holding on to stuck stuff.

We are very good at keeping going. It’s one of our most impressive abilities. We can persevere in the face of many of life’s challenges by our focus on getting through. When we are out the other side of the challenges we often think that we still have to keep going, putting on a brave face and being strong. Letting silence surround us so that thoughts and feelings about what has happened can emerge can be the last thing we want to do. Or to let our thoughts about the future concerns come to the front of our minds. Most of us have been socialised to worry about the future. We plan for it, save for it and have expectations about it. It takes our attention off the here and now. In the background of our everyday thoughts there are strands of ideas all about the future and how we wish it will be. Getting to that future seems fraught with more challenges so we worry or are fearful that we will miss out on what we are hoping for.

When I sit quietly in the golden silence I notice all of these strands bouncing around my mind. I have the opportunity to check out if any of the worries or fears are actually real. I also have a chance to see if they are tied into my past experiences in case I am dragging my fears forward with me. It’s also the time when I notice other feelings and thoughts. Ones that seem to belong to someone else or more than one person. Letting the precious silence in gives me a chance to listen both to my higher self – my Spirit – and to my Guides. What I ‘hear’ is inspiration, encouragement, creative solutions and practical suggestions. There is a lot of comfort gained in letting other voices speak inside my mind. It’s also an activity that keeps me firmly in the now. Silence supports mindful practice because there are no outer distractions to remove your attention from the inner experience.

Our spiritual journey is always first an inward one. We have to find out and understand who and what we are before we can offer ourselves back out to the world to be of service. And being of service to ourselves and others is at the heart of practicing spirituality rather than simply talking about how spiritual we are. If we honour the silence by paying attention in it we will be ready to turn to the outer world much sooner. So for me, silence is golden. It is the most valuable time we can spend because we are spending it on and with ourselves. It is a space where our inner Light can increase because we are paying attention to truly knowing ourselves. Do you allow for silence in your life? Is it time to make room for the silence of contemplation and reflection? Why not start enjoying the silence right now!

Day 153 of my blogging challenge.

Why silence is golden

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imageI spend a lot of my time in the company of others. I really enjoy conversations, sharing energy and the creative flow that discussions can take. Yet every now and again I need some quiet space. The energy, needs and ideas of others become a little too overwhelming. There is too much ‘noise’ for me to handle. It took me quite a chunk of my life to recognise that need for silence. Even to grasp the idea of silence as a positive place to be. We are such social beings that there are a lot of expectations placed on us to keep up our end of the conversation. When we retreat into silence it is often seen as something bad. As if we don’t want to share our ideas, feelings or observations so are being selfish. I have to admit that in the past when I was having a discussion one of the fastest ways to irritate me was for the other person to go silent. After all, not speaking in a conversation can be a controlling silence. Or an uncomfortable silence.

Then as a counsellor I learned to be ok with silences. I began to understand that silence might be a reflective space – a way to order one’s thoughts and work out what to say. Or even not say. Silence can be golden as it is a way of allowing us to process information. Once I became used to letting the silence have a space in conversations I found that I could observe myself and others better. I could ‘see’ the emotions and thoughts more clearly. There was a better understanding if I made room for natural pauses. In those pauses I might find a new clarity in what I wanted to say. I was also giving the other person a space in the conversation to do the same. As I turned the silences into positive contributions to the dialogue with people I also recognised my own need for silence.

In our busy lives we have little time to retreat. I love the word contemplate – something that retreat space and silence allows us to do. We can go deeper into ourselves. We can ask questions and wait for the answers to emerge. When we allow our voice to fall silent, when we remove ourselves from the voices of others and the noise of the world we give ourselves the opportunity to hear and experience the deepest of all connections. We can discover the connection to our own Spirit and through that our personal connection to Divine guidance. For a long time I closed down the voice of my Spirit and the connection to the Divine. Now I work every day with the Spirit World and the representatives of Divine love. I embrace and enjoy silence. I look for chances to spend a few moments alone and quiet, sitting waiting for a different kind of conversation to take place. Let moments of silence wrap around you every day. Be ready to listen not speak. There are important things for you to discover in the quiet.

Day 118 of my blogging challenge.