Sometimes I feel like I’m drifting along. Today has been like that. I got to the Centre early and emerged eleven hours later wondering where my day had gone.
As I walked home I tried to remember what I’d done today. It all seemed a bit of a blur. Mentoring, Reiki, meditation, sorting and getting rid of stuff. Pleasant conversations. Sorting out workbooks for the workshops this weekend. Organising my art supplies. In some ways lots of little things. But the thread through all of this was doing the next job in front of me. Until all the changes that are happening have settled down again. I did wonder if I was drifting along becuase it was easier than pushing myself towards a goal. Then I thought again.
I have had lots of times in my life when I felt I was drifting. Even that my life was aimless. At those times I often felt a pressure to control the drifting. To start to row as hard as I could against the tide. Not prepared to wait for a favourable wind to help me. I put that pressure on myself. Partly because I believed that every action had to have a purpose. I had to achieve something. Also because floating along wherever I was being taken felt like it was wrong in some way. The pressure from the outside, from other people’s expectations of me, was as bad as my own inner judgements. Yet still I stayed becalmed. Floating along. Apparently going nowhere.
It has only been with some observation and experience that I’ve recognised the point of drifting. It’s the opportunity to set a new course and be ready when the tide turns.
As a communicator I struggle when Mercury goes retrograde. It’s hard to get my ideas out into words that make sense. Even to me. Describing the changes I’m making in any sensible or logical way is a challenge. Inside I know that I’m heading somewhere. Putting the where into words for the outside world is why I feel I’m becalmed. The reality is that inside I don’t really know where I’m headed either. It’s a conversation I’m having with myself and it isn’t finished yet. I’m still checking the currents, reading the tide, and waiting for the wind to blow strongly enough to propel me forward.
I’ve looked at the map, such as it is, and found it’s a bit sketchy. So I need to wait out this drifting phase knowing that as soon as I can act I will. I’m prepared for a new course. I’ve checked that all my skills are up to the mark. My mind and feelings are clear. I know there will be a star to steer by. And all the help I need. As soon as the new course is plotted I can be off. Until then I am going to enjoy the tasks I’m doing. After all they seem to be keeping me busy. If the time passes so quickly that I don’t even notice I’m going to embrace a full day and go home ready to rest before the next one.
Rest is good. After all, the tide might turn tomorrow. The wind might be blowing in the new direction. And I might be off on my new course to wherever.
Day 522 of my blogging challenge