Sometimes I get to a point of wondering why I am bothering. It’s a natural feeling. That’s when I find I have to dig a bit deeper into my determination.

When a message seems to be like pulling teeth. Or I can’t quite seem to get whatever is being put in front of me. Even sometimes when I want to be busy and active but the energy seems to have gone. I had a few of these moments today. And by mid-afternoon was wondering if it might not be easier just to go back to bed. Knowing that I had to be in Skipton for a church service so hiding under the covers wasn’t really an option. When I get this ‘life is tough’ feeling I know I require some self-care. Somehow I’ve stopped looking after me enough. So I have to stop and dig into it.

This came up again later in the evening. I’d been talking about impatience in my philosophy at the church. One of the people at the service started talking about developing his mediumship. But he couldn’t decide if he should be doing his healing first. I understood what he meant. When I realised I could be in service with the Spirit World I imagined I might start with doing healing. Speaking for Spirits wasn’t even on my agenda. Yet I found myself doing messages first. And my Reiki training second. I wasn’t sure there was a point to my messages. Because I didn’t really see the positive impact they were having. I was too full of self-doubt.

It was only when I had to dig down into my beliefs that I understood. It mattered to me that I was helping people.

And I was uncertain if my messages were clear or good enough to be helpful. That brought on the ‘what’s the point’ feeling that I had been tussling with. As I strengthened my belief in my ability I was able to find the point of giving messages. And the point of approaching healing work once I had overcome a big chunk of self-doubt. I was glad to dig below the surface. It helped me to get past something that could have stopped me once and for all. I also recognised that my self-care had to include room for doubt, space to reflect on my beliefs and permission to have that ‘what’s the point’ feeling.

This afternoon I got an echo of this when I was facing my computer. I was trying to follow instructions to upload my book into a publishing site. The instructions all seemed to be based on knowledge I didn’t have. I felt as if I was going round in slow circles. Simple instructions? Not really I thought. I felt that ‘what’s the point’ feeling start to emerge. I could sense myself starting to feel defeated. And stupid. Because the instuctions I read seemed clear. I forgot to acknowledge that they were written with the assumption that the reader knew certain things already.

I started to take the instructions as a personal dig at my abilities. Then I paused for a moment. Perhaps today was not the day to do this?

When I considered giving myself a break the feeling started to retreat. I decided to dig out the download about book publishing I’d got from the website when I set up my account. Instead of giving up altogether I read some of this information. I know I will go back to the process tomorrow feeling much more able to do what I want about my book. Things will get done but without me pushing myself to the point where I would give up. That’s the blessing of being able to persevere. To find a different way around a block or a limitation. Letting me get where I need to go but in my own good time.

When things have really got to me I know I have to get out my spade and dig on. Keep turning things over until I find the best way of planting or nourishing the seeds of what I wish to grow. In reality giving up is never a good option. It can leave me defeated and unfulfilled. The trick is always to find another way. A different point of view. Or a recognition that a pause is a good strategy. And, of course, to employ patience and self-love in huge dollops to anything I am doing. It’s the love that can keep me on track. Recognising that today might not be the best day to do what I’m expecting of myself. And doing instead those things that feel easier, simpler or less demanding.

And, of course, to dig into that place of being instead of doing. Sometimes the most important thing I find is that I have to stop doing. And take time to be instead.

Day 608 of my blogging challenge