Hitting The Wall: Finding The Will To Continue

hitting wallIt was wild and windy outside so today I decided to stay inside. I read for a while. Then got out my artwork. A little while later I took out my notebook. But I couldn’t settle. So I got out my blog ideas to pick one. And that’s when I realised I was hitting the wall. My will to get things done had gone away.

Vanished overnight. Nowhere to be found. I was struggling to apply my focus to anything. Perhaps a little of it is because my holiday is almost over. Certainly some of it is about the routine stuff I need to do. But I also realised that hitting the wall is part of my letting go process. I’m on the eight hundred and sixty sixth day of my blog challenge. Like a marathon runner I’m experiencing fatigue and loss of energy. Yet the end is really close. Far more is behind me than in front of me. And that is the issue. I love new beginnings. But I’m a bit rubbish at endings.

Letting go means stopping doing something. Putting it in the past. Completely in the past. I recognise that is the point that is hitting a nerve. When something is good I want it to continue endlessly. Even when it’s getting less good it can still be hard for me to stop. I feel that I’m not alone in this pattern. Most of us are reluctant to change. So I know that lots of us will be hitting walls all the time. Trying to find the energy to complete one thing before we move onto the next. But ending up carrying everything forward instead. Instead of sitting excitedly at my computer finishing another blog I dragged my feet today.

Other things got left too. But I know that I will have to push forward once again instead of hanging on. Hitting the ground still running. Making sure I complete the outstanding work so new things have a space to get my focus. It’s ok to take time to recognise the fatigue feeling. I know understanding that feeling will motivate me to keep going. Here’s to another 135 blogs!

Day 866 of my blogging challenge

Birthing A New You: Pangs Of Pain

birthingI’m back in upgrade energy again. The New Moon has arrived with another blast of Divine Feminine energy. It’s time for a birthing. Time for a new me. And long past time to get real changes happening in the outer world.

Giving birth to anything new, and including babies, requires a lot of effort. As the time gets nearer to deliver the new it’s as if the birthing gets even harder. And more painful. Seeing my idea, project, body waiting to push a creation out into the world certainly feels exhausting. After all, I have carried that idea, project or creation for a long time. I’ve nourished it. Communicated with it. Worried about it. And had dreams for it. When the reality of it’s entry into the world hits I feel a mixture of impatience, fear, excitement and expectation. I can’t wait for the birthing to be over. But there is also the realisation that the last few pushes are going to be painful too.

Because I have to push myself to let go. Be ready to see what I’ve created as independent from me. No longer my closely held idea or project. Others will get involved. My creation will take on a life of it’s own. It won’t belong only to me any more. So I can’t keep it safe, or just the way I would like it to be. Birthing is also an upgrade. The pangs of pain I feel are showing me where I am still resisting letting go. They are showing me what wisdom I still need to acquire. Or what I am failing to trust. Especially if I am failing to trust myself. Each birthing involves me becoming a new you. I’m now the creator of something else. Something outside of myself. I have grown by the experience of creating.

As with all birthing times the key is to rest, conserve energy and await that last push. I am using the New Moon energy to recognise where I have expanded myself and where I have changed. That will help me to focus through the pain and get my creativity out as a material thing. I’m also looking forward to that fabulous moment when the pain recedes into the background and I finally meet the new me.

Day 814 of my blogging challenge

Turning Things Around: Positive Outcomes

turningI had a lovely conversation with a good friend of mine today. We were turning over and reviewing all of the changes that had been happening in out lives. And recognising that, from a distance, what seemed awful had actually turned out well.

Jan and I have worked together for several years. However at the beginning fo last year we both found ourselves turning in other directions. There were choices to review and decisions to be made. Some of our collaborations had to be put on hold. I remember putting some of the paperwork into a cupboard and wondering when it might see the light of day again. But I could also see that there was an upheaval going on underneath all of the ordinary, every day things. Jan felt it too. We had many discussions throughout the year about where we were heading. Both of us not quite sure but staying as hopeful as possible.

I also felt like it was the year of giving up things I wasn’t certain I wanted to let go of. Because each time I removed something from my life another things seemed to need removing. I know that Jan and I were sharing this same sensation. But we kept encouraging each other to go with the flow. I also know that we both wondered what all our efforts had produced. Because it seemed like they hadn’t really got off the ground. Yet some things had definitely changed for both of us. I guess we were really taking on the challenge of living day to day and trusting the Universe. So when it came time for me to let go of churches and my Centre I was ready to do so with ease.

Turning away from those things, amongst others, left me wondering ‘what next’. In a sort of free fall. And I am still floating gently along waiting to understand the point of it all.

Yet I also know that I have done the right things for me. As we sat talking together I noticed how much more positive there is in both of our lives. And how we both felt the stress of having to be ‘in control’ had been lifted. Actually, I listened to my good friend listing so many positives from the changes she had made. And I realised that I had so many positives to list too. Together we were turning things around to understand that we were doing exactly what would be best for us for the next few months. Perhaps years. That’s really important to me. Because I once lived a life so full of stress it was making me ill.

To be stress free, or almost, has been my big dream. I know it is the foundation of wellbeing. It is the way for me to enjoy my life and follow my passions. I also recognise that I didn’t achieve this all by myself. My family and good friend have supported me all the way through the last few years of change. Turning to others for help or inspiration has also been a key part of making positive outcomes. Especially my Guide Team. Each time I have felt like giving up they have been there boosting and encouraging me. That’s why I am so passionate about everyone else finding their Guide Team. It’s an amazing positive to have in my life.

Now I am determined that I’m turning an optimistic face to my future. Whatever the Universe bring to me will end up having a positive outcome. Even if it is also challenging whilst I’m in it. Find the guidance and inspiration. Look forward to a good life. And enjoy your journey.

Day 791 of my blogging challenge

Wanting To Let Go But Being Held Back

WantingI’ve been wanting to finalise my connection with the Centre for several days. Yet it seems that there is still stuff to shift. Not least some big items of furniture.

Running up and down the stairs for the third day in a row I was very much wanting to see the back of all this removals stuff. Yet I seeme to keep finding more things to donate, store or bring home. So moving out of my space has been a lot slower than I planned. I was thinking about that today when the men came to collect the settles and chairs. Unfortunately they were wanting to leave them behind. Mainly, I suspect, because they had already filled their van with collections from other people. I know I was first to be booked in. And I also know that I listed exactly what had to be collected. But I ended up last.

Wanting isn’t the same as getting. As I considered why the Universe was running in the opposite direction to my plans I thought about lovely Mercury. The influence of this current retrograde is to get us to reflect. To think again. Not about closing the Centre. But about my process of letting go. I know that I often imagine things will go the way I want them to. So when they don’t I can get very stressed. Today was a chance to see if I could go with the flow. For whatever reason the furniture has to stay where it is right now. Perhaps the people who need it aren’t quite ready to find it. Or a different group or charity will benefit more. I’m sure all will be revealed if I wait for it to be.

Wanting to let go is a process. It can only happen when everything is in alignment. So I am holding the energy until it’s the time for me to release the space back into the world. Everything will happen in perfect timing.

Day 743 of my blogging challenge

Hold On: Letting Go Is Easier Thank You Think

hold onI went out onto the hillside for a little while today. It was muddy so I had to hold on to my walking stick in the slippy places. Despite that I somehow slid, climbed and plodded to the top of the hill.

As I watched a waterfall at the top of the hill I thought about the crashing, foaming water finding it’s way down the hill. I passed an old mill on the way up, abandoned long ago with only half of the shell still standing, beside the rushing river. The water used to be dammed to create power for the mill. To hold the water a sort of pond was created. But I wondered how often the water was too ferocious and escaped the containment. Or the times when they had to open the sluices and let the water go. I paused as the cold wind caught at me on the hill top. Water is the symbol for emotions. My walk seemed to have brought a perfect sign to me.

I am very good at holding on to emotions. I hold back from vocalising them so sometimes they become stuck. It can be frustrating when I really want to flow with what I’m feeling. It’s as if I am frightened that releasing my emotions will damage my structure. Yet I saw a solidly built mill, damaged by time, still clearly holding it’s shape. It made me think about me. Am I that solidly built structure still able to hold on despite the ravages of time? I had a sense of the value of when holding is a blessing and when letting go is too. Letting go of my Centre, even though it’s my decision, is bringing up feelings of grief for me. So on the hill I let them flow out and into the water.

I can hold the balance between grief and excitement. Because letting go of the Centre is also bringing me the opportunity to do other things. New adventures. Activities I really enjoy and feel passionate about. But which might have been squeezed out by my attention on the Centre. I am finding the letting go much easier that I once would have. I know the structure remains. And now I can build a new structure on those solid foundations.

Day 734 of my blogging challenge

The Big Picture: Seeing That All Is Well

big pictureAs the dust of the last twelve months settles I can finally see some of the big picture emerging. Enough to encourage me that I’m on the right track. So I am ready to make more decisions.

I’ve understood for a big part of this year that I had to be ready to travel light. In other words the glimpses of the big picture always seemed to be about me making sure my aura energy was clear. I’ve worked hard to lighten my energy load. Letting go of the past has been quite a journey. But I also understood that at some point I would have to let go of material things too. That process started and stopped, then started again, as my Ego Mind clung on to the ‘reality’ of this world. The reality represented by my possessions. I guess I was scared that if I stopped having so many things I would be judged as less worthy somehow.

But that was me in my Ego Mind. Pressing me to stay in the box of my own creating. Because the box stops me from seeing the big picture. More importantly it stops me taking the action to move myself forward to new things. And life is really all about moving forward. I’ve had to keep focused on the snippets of the bigger picture. Trusting that there was a lot more to see. And seeking out the guidance and support to help me recognise or focus on what else is there. Now I feel the shift in energy I’m also aware that the dream I sense is becoming more visible to me. Last night I wrote about the Full Moon energy and sending out my wishes for the future. Right about now is the time. And I have a lovely list to release.

The picture I want to create for my life is full of amazing experiences. New possessions will replace the ones I have let go. And I can see that all is well in my Intuitive World.

That doesn’t mean I have that big picture yet. Just like my paintings the image has yet to be completed. I am using what I can see to guide me forward. Putting my trust in the flow of Universal energy. And I am also sending my belongings to new homes. To people who are ready to use the books, crystals and paintings I have loved. These things have served me and are ready to serve the next person who ‘owns’ them. Because that is the reality of energy. It should flow out and back between all of us. As it does so, I create the space for those new experiences.

After I sorted out all of my books today, did I mention that I felt inspired to by the lift in energy, I looked at them. There was a large pile of books ready to move on. I noticed that I had been very clear what to keep, a not too overlarge pile, and what was going. In the releasing pile were some books I would have found it hard to let go of even six weeks ago. But I know they need to be gone. Their wisdom is stored away inside my head. I have embraced all they had to share with me. The much smaller pile on the other side of the room may shrink too. As I recognise the big picture more the information the books contain may turn out to be redundant.

That’s the beauty of getting to see the big picture. I know the items I need for the next part of my journey. And I am able to lighten my load some more. Until I’m down to the essentials and stepping lightly along my road!

Day 682 of my blogging challenge

Complete Retreat: A Day For Me

Yesterday I was glad to complete a spell of being really busy. Both practically and in my spirit work. It seemed perfect timing that I have three days off.

It’s also the case that I have had to complete a lot of unfinished business. Part of the clearing I’ve been doing all year has been to get myself unhooked from old energy. It’s certainly been time to put the past in the past. But doing that requires effort too. Looking back and cutting old energy ties stirs up emotions and memories. To complete that work has taken time and patience. All alongside of continuing to do the things my Guides put in front of me. Balancing serving others with serving myself. Although they are also turning my path in a new direction. Gently easing the letting go of old work with an influx of new work. I have to admit I’m still not sure where I’m headed but I know it’s somewhere.

So today I’ve taken the opportunity for a complete retreat. Stepping back from my phone, social media and all of the usual contact with my Guides. Instead I’ve been in a bubble of silence. Resting. Reading. Letting my mind wander. I’ve been put on pause and I’m glad of the chance to have this time. I’ve been around my home enjoying the feeling of not having to do anything at all. Except feed myself and the cats. To complete my day I’m doing my blog. Not actually because I have to. Although the blogging challenge matters to me. But because I can acknowledge to myself that I need solitude sometimes. I believe we all need some space to rest from the practicalities of life. And much more, we need space to step out of life for a while. I believe that’s when my mind can complete the process of ‘what next’ thinking.

Until I give myself time to myself I’m not letting myself be aware of the process I’m going through. Change can be wearisome. Time for me means I can recharge. Then I’ll be ready for more changes.

Day 551 of my blogging challenge 

Keeping Going Is A Life

For the last week I’ve been juggling work, an energy upgrade cold and helping move my auntie to a new home. Keeping it all going has been quite exhausting.

At six this morning when my alarm went off I could cheerfully have stayed snuggled up in bed. Yet I knew there were deliveries arriving, untilities to be switched on and a couple of repairs to be done before my auntie could move in. So off I went, still half asleep, with a long list of things to do. Keeping it all organised has been a task in itself. Yet this house is a new lease of life for my auntie. At seventy seven, with a list of ailments as long as my arm, she had become some what a prisoner in her home. Because it is on a hill of sorts. So the path to her house was hard work when pushing the trolley she needs because her walking is bad.

The discussions about her moving house have taken a couple of years. She had lived in her previous home for 23 years. It was also the home of her mother for many years before that. There are a lot of family memories tied in with that place. I knew that she was finding herself more isolated as time passed but my auntie has a stubborn streak. It’s the energy that has kept her going as illness, loss and change threw her life upside down time and again. She’s determined that life isn’t over until it’s over. And I know that she wants to live it to the full. So eventually she decided that the hill was too much. I was relieved when she said she would move. But that was only the first step.

Keeping positive I started the process of getting a new house. Within the restrictions that my auntie needed or had given me.

The new place had to be on the flat. It also had to be in the same area as her other one. She wanted to stay with the friends she has known for many years. Even though, as she laughingly told me, the ones who are now on the other side have to come back and haunt her to get her attention. It’s taken six months for the right place to be manifested but last week I got the keys. Then the process of saying goodbye began. My auntie decided to clear lots of things away. She wanted to have new energy in her new home. I made a list of what she wanted to take. Top of the list was my Nanna’s display cabinet. Something that was in every front room fifty years ago. As a sign of being a step above poor.

As we waded through family photos, old clothes and pottery ornaments I got the sories of every item. The ups and downs. The might have beens and the actual events. I find my auntie fascinating to listen to. So does my daughter. Whatever has happened my auntie has plodded on. Keeping facing forward and trying to do her best. In fact that’s one of the qualities I really admire. Some would say she is a grumpy old woman determined to outlast us all. Most would say she’s a survivor. And her many friends would speak about her sense of humour, her kindness and her ability to carry on. I’m delighted that she will be in a much more appropriate home for her. And that she can enjoy a safe, comfortable environment for many years to come.

Day 456 of my blogging challenge.

Set a Course for The Next Nine Years

I’ve been writing about the energy shifts for a little while now. About how this is a year of new beginnings. The first in a cycle of nine and this year I get to pick my course for all of that time. So how do I choose?

If you have been reading my blog for a while you’ll know I can get stuck very easily with choosing. It’s a bit of a Libran challenge. The urge to procrastinate in case I decide on the wrong thing. So I’ve been working for some years to get comfortable with the idea that all choices can be reversed. Or can lead to new choices that take me back to where I started. If I want. In fact I’m getting more spontaneous because I accept that not choosing at all is a waste of energy. I’ve discovered that choices aren’t concrete. And they don’t all have to be perfectly right. That’s a useful change when I’m considering setting my course for the next nine years.

Now is the time to step into fresh energy. To make choices that will set me off on a better course through those nine years. But how? One of the things I’ve noticed over the past five or six days is an energy shift. Once more I’m finding it hard to sleep or stay asleep. I’m waking up tired. Because I’ve been having restless, vivid dreams all night. Dreams that bring up uncomfortable feelings. Ways I’d rather not feel as they are low vibration emotions like fear, anger, sadness. Some have been quite graphic I think. Yet when I wake I can’t quite remember the content of my dreams. Interesting, as I’m usually a good lucid dreamer.

As usual, when I’d had three nights of this type of sleep I asked my Guides what was going on. Of course I’d already forgotten it was the waning phase of the moon. So obvious really. My Guides came back with the answer that I was letting go.

Letting go of what I wondered? Some of the snippets I could remember seemed at odds with my life experiences. Then there was another lightbulb moment. I was busy letting go a whole load of past life stuff that was still hanging around in this life. I find that the interesting thing about my karma is that I’ve built lots of echos of past life struggles into this life. But I don’t always know it. Often it’s after events have happened that I realise it’s an echo. Sometimes I haven’t realised. So it turns out the energy I’m releasing whilst I’m asleep has never made it into my consciousness. Somehow it has to go. Or I risk being blown off course.

I have to say that I thought I had done as much clearing out of stuck energy as I could in 2016. What a challenging year! Now it turns out that I have stuff stored away that I hadn’t known existed. But it’s stuff I don’t need to really bring into my conscious mind. Instead I can let my subconscious mind get to work releasing it. The benefit to me is when it goes my decisions will be clearer.  Especially since they stop being based on stuff I didn’t know was influencing me in the first place. Whew! I hope that makes sense. Time for me to embrace this current period of internal housekeeping. I have lots of exciting decisions to make!

Day 432 of my blogging challenge. 

Instagram installed!

imageSome days the work I do is a challenge to me as much as to the person I’m treating, reading for or counselling. A lot of years ago when I started out as a counsellor someone told me you get the clients you need not want. Today has made me think of that again.

You see, I’ve installed the Instagram app. My lovely friend Jan said it was a great way to share my artwork and even videos. Never one to back down from a challenge I decided that I would give it a go. Me, the technophobic social media and website operator, taking on another app to master. What on earth was I thinking!

I made a plan. I would have my iPad in the Centre so in between callers I could get up to speed with Instagram. Then I would set up an account and consider the job done. Of course I already have four websites, a web page, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Ning and umpteen other social media ‘things’. I’m including What’s App which I installed and have struggled to make sense of. I really need a teenager to explain it to me. Anyway, on with the plan.

Like a lot of my plans it was derailed at once. I had people to see, a group to run and Reiki to do. I also had a reading, counselling and a Skype session of mediumship development.

As I put aside my iPad I found myself dealing with emotions that were as much mine as they were of the people I saw. Each person today has made me remember my own feelings as I faced similar situations in my life. Each person needed to get an opportunity to voice their feelings in a safe space. Each person needed to know that I heard their voice. And each person needed me to be brave enough to acknowledge what they were feeling even if they couldn’t.

I am honoured to share my day with people who have been brave enough to look inward.  I know that isn’t an easy thing to do. It’s something I have been doing for several years now so I do understand how hard it is. Sharing their journey with each person I have been able to see progress I have made too. The opportunity to look at and notice my own journey is a gift they have given me which I willingly received.

How does this tie in with Instagram? I have a load of apps and software on my various devices. Some have been easy to learn, some have been a bit more of a ‘won’t be beaten by this’ effort and some have been ‘what was I thinking? Never again!’

It’s like dealing with feelings. I can let some go with ease or there are those that take a bit more effort and sometimes those that get stuck. Then I have to work harder to remove the ‘software’ that has cluttered up my devices. Because installing or feeling things is easy. Deleting or releasing can be a loop that ends up going round and round.

I tend to get stuck when the uninstall ends up leaving bits of connections still live. I once had a Kodak printer connected to my PC. I’ve removed all the software I can find as the printer is long gone. But a window pops up every now and again to ask me if I want to get the latest Kodak update. It’s the same with my feelings. I think I’ve uninstalled the grief. After all I’ve moved on in my life haven’t I? Today it was clear to me I still have random pop ups ready to take me by surprise.

But I won’t be beaten – by software or life. I am good at persevering. I will find a way to delete the old, stuck energy. Thank you once again to all the lovely people who showed me today that it’s a journey we are all on. Now I’m off to try that Instagram thingy once again. Wish me luck!

Day 241 of my blogging challenge.