Immune to Feeling Fear? Grief? Anger?

I’ve spent quite a lot of my life acting as if I was immune to all sorts of things. Keeping my feelings below the surface quite a lot. Behaving as if I was resistant to pain, fear, hate, grief.

There is something about keeping going that is almost addictive. Because I feel it’s driven by a tiny little niggle that eats away at my certainty and will power. The thought that if I stop and feel my feelings I’ll never get going again. So pretending to be immune is a good tactic. I’ve used it as a form of protection. And sometimes even thought I was exempt from certain feelings. Like all things in life though I’ve discovered that immunity is a variable state. So I felt the grief of loosing my parents. Raw. Full on. Inescapable.

Also the pain, anger and hopelessness of failed relationships. Times when I’ve been drowning in despair. Or pulled deep into depression. Lost and alone in darkness. Perhaps what I did in response to these feelings was a protective shell. I fooled myself that I was immune so I wouldn’t have to express my feelings to myself. Or the world. I went into hiding from myself. But the reality is that I carried those feelings like a burden. Heavy baggage I was reluctant to put down. I had to wait until I was ready to see the stuckness this brought about. Perhaps even to keep battering my head against the wall I’d built around those feelings. Because that tiny little niggle made me feel weak.

If I am weak then I am vulnerable. Worse things can happen. That’s the logic of that mis-shaped thought. Better to be immune and exempt than infected and in need of help.

Because accepting help can be really hard too. I feel that we are conditioned to be helpers. Not receivers. Being in a state of needing help also sometimes ties in with feeling like I can’t handle things myself. Yet the strange thing is there are plenty of people who want to be able to help me. When I started to think about this idea of immunity from feelings I realised that it’s also a way to deny helpers. It’s easy for me to say I don’t need any support if I believe that I don’t have certain feelings. Yet I know, in the end, feelings exist. They are there first. Long before our cognitive abilities develop we feel.

But that leads to another thought. What feelings did I feel in my early years? What feelings was I allowed to have. Love certainly. Fear aplenty. Definitely anger, sadness and pain. These are all part of my human inheritance. Somewhere in all those feelings I developed a set of rules telling me what I was allowed to feel and express. And some rules about the kind of feelings I needed to be immune from. I say this not as a criticism. Or to blame. I learned how to handle feelings from the adults around me. I also learned to become a giver rather than receiver. These deeply held rules have governed my life. And I didn’t even get to negotiate or agree to them.

It’s time to put away these rules. To release myself from feeling immune to certain feelings.

It’s important for me to love my whole self. I can’t do that when I’m hiding from my feelings. Or refusing to allow myself to experience them. I need to love myself enough to allow my vulnerability to emerge. Learn to take the offers of support and kindness. Make myself a whole human being because I can feel things so deeply. And above all else, reminding myself that learning the opposites to love gives me a choice. I can pick the life experiences that boost the amount of love in and around me. Or I can stay behind the walls with my hidden feelings and await the next catastrophe that life throws at me. My choice is always LOVE.

Day 466 of my blogging challenge.

Time for Full Steam Ahead

Today I’ve been sorting through things I want to let go of. It’s all the New Moon energy pushing me to move ahead.

It’s sometimes very tempting to hold back. Intuitively I’ve been getting messages about a new path for some time now. Yet to follow that road I have to change what I’m doing now. To get ahead I have to stop holding on to what I know I can do. Instead I have to grab for what I’m not entirely certain I will be able to do. I’ve talked about the fear of change in my blogs before. And still when it’s time to leap forward I find myself hanging back. That’s why I decided to change my surroundings this week.

I have started reorganising the Centre so that I can let go of all of the stuff I no longer need. I know that moving ahead I need to be lighter. Have less to be responsible for. Or I will get stuck with the weight of it all. That action of change can feel hard to begin with. In fact today it has got me feeling exhausted. There is still a little bit of me resisting what I know I have to do. The bit that is resisting is the shadow of fear. We gather things to make us feel safe. I’m asking myself to make me feel unsafe.

Looking ahead when I’m resisiting change is a challenge. Sometimes I can’t see anything at all.

That’s why I love having my Spirits and Guides around me. Tonight I went to an Open Circle service at Hebden Bridge Spiritualist church. I wasn’t particularly expecting a message. But my lovely Nanna popped in twice. Both times she wanted to tell me to believe in myself. She wanted to remind me that I am going in the right direction so to get on and follow the new things up. Perhaps I had to hear it from her because of that resistance and fear. To help me recognise that whatever I do th epoint is to enjoy it.

So I’m ready to jump off the cliff again. To let go of the old and move ahead to the new. I’m loving the part of me that wants to keep me safe. The bit that prefers a small comfort zone. However, it’s also tough love. Because, despite that part, I am going to step further and further outside of my comfort zone. I know that there will be times I wobble and want to run backwards. There are, I am sure, going to be times I’m loving what I’m doing and want to run forwards. It’s taken me a long time to really get the idea that life is a journey that I can make as easy or as hard as I like. Now I feel ready to make mine as easy as possible. Bring on the new!

Day 380 of my blogging challenge.

Stuck Going Round in Circles

img_2350It’s an enlightening day. I was reminded several times of the saying ‘The more things change, the more they stay the same’. It seems that one or two things are coming round again. And I wonder if I’ve managed to move in an upwards spiral at all.

It started because I had a difficult time getting to sleep. A flood siren at 7pm, the river raging and rising, rain that didn’t seem to want to go away. I felt I was back round at Christmas Day 2015. This time, instead of an elderly aunt I had my daughter to keep calm for. Preparations done for the possible flood I headed off to bed. But my mind was full of the memory of the 7.30am siren on Boxing Day  that turned into a flood on it’s way. In the early hours of this morning I was waiting. Would the siren sound again?

As I thought about that waiting feeling I realised that the feelings from the flood were, to some extent, still locked inside my aura. Mostly it was my fear for the other person in the house and my cats. My rational brain knew that we would all be ok. We could stay safe upstairs. Yet I was remembering the aftermath too. Four days without power. No heat. No light. Wearing layers of clothes to keep warm and expecting the lights to come back on every few minutes. In the end I applied some self-Reiki, had a discussion with myself, sent the frightened me a lot of love and drifted off to sleep.

It’s interesting really. I am able to cope with fresh flooding but a little bit of me felt helpless. Is it ok to feel that way? What about being a survivor? That’s when the next thing came round.

People sometimes need my help then move on because they can manage for themselves. Sometimes they look around for different support. Occasionally they fall back into old patterns. Every now and then they stick with me as we move the support into new areas. It’s part of the exploration we all do. I know that I have had support from lots of different people throughout my life. When I have been ready I’ve moved on to a new choice or a different method. Chatting with someone today I picked up the question I’d asked earlier. Am I giving myself permission to feel vulnerable?

I feel that we are all under pressure to be strong. To survive everything. However, that stops me from acknowledging the fear that is in my life. It might even stop me from recognising that I’m living my whole life in fear. When I am able to see the scared part of me I have an opportunity to gather round me all of the support I need. If I can’t recognise the fear then I push the help away. It’s like a secret I don’t want others to find out about. So I hide it from myself too. That is a limit I’m placing on myself. And for all the wrong reasons.

Of course it’s ok to be frightened. It’s part of the survival mechanism that has kept us alive for thousands of years. What I’m coming round to is that I can’t jump at shadows. Otherwise I really would be going round in circles.

So when I thought about it a bit more I realised that what the residual fear was showing me was a way to spiral upwards. How not to get stuck. I have to recognise my patterns. When I am in them I need to acknowledge the fear. Then I need to choose to do things differently. And the first choice I have is to take the support or not. I can’t allow myself to be driven by fear here, there and everywhere pretending I’m ok. But secretly rejecting the support that is offered. I have to listen to myself with compassion. If I comfort the part of me that is feeling vulnerable I can stop the knee jerk reaction.

My old habits won’t get a look in if I give myself time to respond differently. And allow myself a full range of emotions. By accepting that it’s my right to feel frightened I can offer myself the best reassurance. The reassurance of experience. I have survived times when I didn’t believe for a moment I could. I have come through times when the fear was so strong I could taste it. In the end it’s knowing that fear won’t stop me carrying on with my life. As things circled through my day it helped me to see that each experience brings me a fresh insight into me. The chance to take a closer look at myself and understand that I am making progress in spite of my fears.

Day 372 of my blogging challenge.

Underneath we are Spirit

img_2344Some thoughts that had been bouncing around my mind finally clicked together today. Since the election in the USA I had been mulling over what is underneath the idea that we are split into us and them.

A few years ago I was fortunate to attend an event where the Dalai Lama was the speaker. He was keen to make the point that underneath everything he, like all of us listening, was a human being. He asked the young people present to ‘Be the change’ needed in the world. His words have stayed with me. What makes it so difficult for us to remember that all of us are the same once you remove the skin. I remember asking my Guides why we had developed the idea of separateness. It seems to one that makes life harder for most of us because it stops us reaching out for or to give help to each other.

My Guides have always encouraged me to understand that this world is the way it is because we have chosen to forget that love is the only energy that sustains us. That was one of the strands of thought going around my head last week. I wondered where the love had gone in an election that seemed aggressive, vicious and unkind. How could people make an important decision if the debate was all about the wrongness of a candidate rather than the best person for the job? In the aftermath of the election there was a huge outpouring of feelings.  As I listened to people talking about their feelings I noticed that us and them came into the discussion a lot. I felt that the idea of us and them had created fear. Fear for the future no matter who won.

I went back to the idea that love is the energy that sustains us. It made me think about what that really means.

I have no idea what it’s like to live in a war torn country. There has never been a day when I have had nothing to eat or drink. What I believe in hasn’t cost me my home, my family or my livelihood. I am a white, heterosexual woman. Whilst I might have challenges because I am female mostly I have been accepted as a person. I can’t imagine how it might have been if I had a different colour of skin. Or a different sexuality. Or lived in a country where my religious beliefs were unacceptable. Yet those factors are used the world over to split the human race into us and them.

Failing to recognise that we are all the same creates division. Deciding someone is different and that the difference makes them apart from me is the first step away from love. Perhaps the first way in which I open the door to fear. My judgements about ‘them’ become the way that I act towards ‘them’. Eventually it becomes the way that I can dismiss, disregard or harm ‘them’. After all, ‘they’ are not like me. I believe this is the reason why women and children are mistreated. Why domestic violence continues. And why women and children can be bought and sold, one way or another, by others.

I also believe that we talk much too easily about love. And not enough about fear. It is our fear that drives us to persecute others.

Surely my beloved child is still my beloved child no matter what their sexuality, religion, colour, values and beliefs? Why do I need to fear who my child is? Each generation has new ways of being. If those ways are all about loving one another then why would I stop my child from living like that. If my love is a real feeling surely I will want to share the love towards the people my child also loves? No matter who they are or where they come from. Even if I find them so very different from myself. Even if I fear them because they are not like me. Underneath the fear I have to find the love. And I have to show and share the love.

I really do. Because each one of us, as well as being human, is a Spirit being. Underneath this world we have another existence. This Earth is only my home for a short time. I will return to the Afterlife and rejoin all of the Spirit people who are living there right now. In a place where there are no bodies, no countries, no gender or sexuality I will be a being of light. In a realm where there is no us and them love is the only energy. If I can approach my human life in the same way as I live my Spirit life then I have to oust the fear. I have to be strong enough to reject the fear which breeds hatred.

In me is an endless supply of love. It comes from my Spirit which is supported by the Divine flow of love. Now I need to learn to speak the language of love, not fear. We are all one. We are Spirit. And we are Love. Humanity will survive so long as we remember and live that universal truth.

Day 368 of my blogging challenge.

Change the Inner You First

img_2243We are coming to the end of five years where the energy has been all about facing our fears. Bit by bit we have been asked to look at what we worry about most in our lives. It’s been an inner journey so that we can eventually produce an outer change.

For some time I’ve been picking up the incoming energy feed. I know that there is going to be another great shift in 2017. In the transition from old patterns into a new global community of humanity there is a lot of stuckness to be recognised and faced head on. Holding my inner self steady as I’ve worked through my fears has been a balancing act. One where I have wobbled a lot. Because letting the fears surface and be dealt with is hard.  I have buried some so deep it’s been like a mining expedition to get them to the surface. Yet they have to be released from me. Otherwise I will be caught in the same old same old when the new energy hits.

I don’t want to miss out on any opportunities that are coming my way. I certainly don’t want to have to wait for them to come around again. So I’ve been focused on exploring my inner world for the past five years. It’s certainly been a revelation. I never quite understood how much of my behaviour was conditioned or limited by others. It seems I wasn’t used to letting other peoples opinions of me matter far too much. No wonder I found at times that I was surrounded by judgements, negativity or controlling behaviour. So it’s been a challenge for me to recognise I manifested that into my life.

I know we all want to feel like we belong. Sometimes we want to belong so much that we find ourselves trying to keep others happy at our own expense. Inner happiness can be hard to accept in a world where what seems to matter is outward appearance.

Yet the last five years have been all about noticing my outward world. Then working out if it reflects my inner world. Of course, when I realised it didn’t match what I wished for myself I was on notice that I had to change. Perhaps not outwardly at first. But I had to find ways of doing things differently. Manifesting or the law of attraction or cosmic ordering. They all follow the same universal rule of cause and effect. Or, as I like to put it, what you give out you get back. I’ve finally stopped rescuing people or situations. I make a point of treating myself well and putting my needs first. Being open to receive I expect nothing but the flow of abundance. In being ready to receive, and doing so at every opportunity, my inner world is all about being loving and compassionate to myself.

As I’ve learned, if I am able to feel that way inside then I am genuinely able to give that same energy out to others. In 2017 I expect to receive so much. But the best part of that is it means I will be able to give so much more outwardly. My inner and outer worlds will balance. However, I’m still a work in progress. I haven’t got the balance yet. This morning I was sitting having one of my ‘weekend’ days. Time for me not work. But there was still a niggle in the back of my mind. A list of all the things I still had to do. A sense that I ought to rush into work and do them. Never mind the 10 or 12 hour days from the previous week. Get the work done.

I resisted that urge. It was time to hold out for a day that gave me a chance to relax. So I met some friends for coffee and enjoyed much needed down time.

Resisiting the pull of work – the fear of leaving things undone – reminded me how far I have progressed. There are still some strong energy waves to come in this year. They will be surfacing more fears and stuck patterns. For all of us. World events reflect this too. Whilst we are being shaken loose of our fears there will be a lot of negativity around. I’m focused on holding the balance within myself. If I remain positive within then I can help that energy to manifest in my outer world too. Whatever fear arises we can all contribute to a fearless outcome. When you pay attention to your inner world you will be doing the best thing you can to ensure that you are living in a positive outer world. Go gently through the remainder of 2016 ?

Day 339 of my blogging challenge.

Ride the Wave of Fear

img_2221It’s been a funny year. Wave after wave of energy pushing us to pay more attention to the choices we are making. Global events drawing our attention to the absence of compassion. It’s no surprise that I’ve been asking myself how on Earth we are going to change.

Yet I am sure that the changes will be positive. My Guides have kept telling me I must ride out the energy storms. They have been encouraging me to focus on doing what I can to create inner and then outer positivity. Today I have talked to several people who are doing the same. In one way it’s reassuring to find that I’m one of many having to deal with my own inner fears. In another it’s also slightly unsettling. With all these waves of energy who of us has actually got a calm life at the moment? That’s why I’ve found myself surrounded by Energy Beings radiating love and compassion. They are around us. They can help.

I watch the news in small snippets. My daughter points out, quite rightly, that the focus is all negative. We struggle to find stories that are celebrations of life events. Yet I feel I must watch the reports. These stories are the real lives of other people. They are happening to human beings. As I ride the energy of aggression, violence and hatred I know that I have to acknowledge it exists. These reports lack balance. I know that they create fear. And they also have us turning away from the real issue of people hurting and killing other people.

I guess that it can be easy to ignore the images of death and destruction when it’s not in your street. It’s all happening in some remote place so why bother. And what can I do anyway?

Funnily enough, that’s a pattern humanity has followed for thousands of years. Telling ourselves that we can’t do anything. Ignoring that the children who survive our lack of compassion will be warped out of shape. That we will reap what we sow when it’s their time to take charge. So how do I make a difference? What can I do? My Guides are always swift to remind me that I can be compassionate. I can be helpful to all of those who I connect with. My area of influence might be small. Perhaps only a few people. But I can send those people compassionate energy. I can support them as we all ride the waves of fear together. I can stay calm.

Remembering that I am Energy and what I give out I get back I can choose not to send out fear. If I recognise my own fear but work through it so can those I connect with. I can encourage everyone I know to face and understand their fears. That way they can become loving and compassionate about themselves. In turn this will radiate out to everyone they connect with. How powerful would it be if even one tenth of humanity started to live from love? Really live from love? If we let go of all of the judgements we make about ourselves and others? I’m certain that a powerful wave of love right around the world would make more change happen.

Very soon we are going to have to make a choice. I know that it is between love and fear.

The new way involves living an intuitive life, tuning in to the energy waves and generating more loving kindness in oneself. The old way is to stay inside the limitations that fear places on us. To cling to old patterns that keep us all in the shadow side of life. What I would wish for my daughter, for all the children of the world, is that we choose love. I have been changing my choices all year. I don’t want the same old same old. From my little spot on the planet I’m learning to choose love for myself and for others. In the end I will leave this life clear that I finally recognised my biggest challenge and tried to ride way above that wave of fear.

Day 331 of my blogging challenge.

Courage Shines Through

imageAll day I’ve been trying to get myself organised so I can go away on my creative retreat tomorrow. I had all the little bits and pieces planned. Of course I had to throw that plan in the bin from the moment I woke up.

There were other priorities that bumped my stuff down the list. So I’m writing my blog rather later than expected with my bag still not packed. I’ll catch myself up eventually. And I can always sleep on the train or plane. What was more important today was to listen to the quiet courage of several people dealing with the bumps in life’s highway. As they spoke I could see their strength and that courage shining through. They were all determined to get through this troubled, turbulent time as well as they could. It made me think about what brings that courage out in us.

Is it pure survival instinct? I know that there have been times when I’ve had to dig deep to make sure I had the necessities in life. When I’ve felt myself wanting so much to give up and give in. I’ve been in that spot of deciding if I wanted to be alive at all. Did I step back from that choice because I was too full of life force? Was my survival because I don’t want to quit on anything? I’m not sure there is an easy answer. Because I’ve also been through experiences where I felt my emotions would overwhelm me. That if I started to cry I would never stop. Where I stretched myself thin and then thinner. Somehow I turned that around. Digging deep again I got through. Was that courage?

Some of those times were full of fear. Fearful thought flooded my mind over and over. It seemed impossible to still my mind.

Yet what I learned about myself was all the imagined outcomes that were never likely to happen to me. I learned all about the adrenalin rush of living with fear on a daily basis. There was a lot of work involved in getting my fear to manageable proportions. Stepping into the flow of my thoughts I had to start removing the fearful ones. But at the same time I had to love and embrace those fears. Fear happens to help us survive. It’s a normal reaction. Is it fear that sparks courage? Is it one emotion balancing out the other?

Listening to these lovely people talk about what they face at the moment I felt humbled. They are stepping through difficult times with love, laughter and a recognition that fear is a natural response. I’m sure they would tell me they aren’t being brave at all. All of them have learned to  face their challenges by loving themselves. I’m sure they will all do incredibly well. And I know that underneath all of my fear was something really special. I loved myself enough not to give up on myself. Just like these inspiring people who brought me rays of sunshine today.

Day 302 of my blogging challenge.

Adrenaline Rushes Out

imageWhenever I feel under threat adrenaline kicks in. I either fight, run away or sometimes freeze. Adrenaline is a natural survival mechanism but if too many things trigger it then it can become stuck on active.

That can lead to all sorts of physical, mental and emotional problems. Problems that I and everyone else have to deal with by stepping back from the threat. Stepping back isn’t so easy though. Our mind sees a threat in things that the adrenaline response wasn’t designed for. We have imagined fears conditioned by our culture, beliefs and psychological states. Adrenaline was the boost we needed to avoid the charging rhinoceros. In the absence of rhinos we have put cancer and other illnesses, potential accidents, job security, being liked or approved of and many more. Above all there is also war, violence and aggression – or the fear of them.

I know I have had periods in my life where I’ve been in a permanent adrenaline rush. Some people actively seek out that sensation by engaging in activities that are foolhardy or dangerous. It’s what video and computer games rely on. Being in that state long term doesn’t suit my body at all. The plan was for me to get only short burst of this hormone in the event that my life was about to end. Keeping it in full flow over long periods of time is damaging.

So what can I do about my fears? How do I stop the rush of adrenaline?

As someone who works with energy for self healing I know that I need to get a grip so to speak. Instead of letting a large wave of fear energy wash over me I need to become aware of the drops of fear. Understanding what I fear will give me a choice. I can keep reacting to that fear when it pops up. Or I can dismiss it as not remotely likely. Sometimes I have to accept that the fear is a realistic one and decide how I want to manage it. Practicing keeping calm is one way. Using a technique like mindful meditation can keep me enough in the moment to stop me responding to a future fear. Or I can, as Susan Jeffers suggested, feel the fear and do it anyway.

I can also understand that fear is a learned behaviour. My daughter at age 2 and 3 was fearless. Complete unconcerned about danger. So much so that I, as her Mum, could probably have had several heart attacks over her antics. Then she developed a fear of spiders because she saw someone react very badly to a spider. She got scared by the fear energy the adult gave out. Her world became uncertain as she didn’t have the cognitive ability to think through what had happened. I watched this first fear emerge in her until it became really strong. Having learned one fear she rapidly took on others. Some were my fears for her. Some were from the reactions she saw in others.

Taking on board More fears triggers ever more blasts of adrenaline. I know that I reached a stage where I was jumping at shadows.

All sorts of imaginary stuff could get me into a sweat. No matter how rational and logical I thought I was. Fear crawled into my life time after time. It got so I was frightened of feeling fearful. Even with all my techniques there finally came a point when I knew I had to stop the impact of this hormone. I had to withdraw from fear. My body needed me to. So how to do it? I started by reminding myself that I was the one in control. Then I found some supportive people who let me talk out my fears while they listened. I used my Reiki self-healing as soon as I got my first attunement.

I also used my intuitive connection to my Guides. They gave me a sense that I wasn’t alone in dealing with my fears. And finally I started to explore all of those conditions that were creating the fear. I acknowledged them one by one. Then chose not to let them rule my life and so I released them. I stopped paying them any attention. It’s interesting to discover I had the willpower to do that. My fears shrank and some disappeared altogether. The adrenaline stopped pumping. It sort of ran out. Faded away. Disappeared like my fears.

I’m not fearless but I have few things I fear. I’m almost back to that childlike state where fear is the reaction of someone else. There is always room for more work in finding a balance between survival and recognising that the end of life must happen.

Day 269 of my blogging challenge.

Voice of Power

Voice PowerOne of the discussions I’ve had today has been about power. The use, abuse and lack of power. I’ve talked about the needs of the many out-weighing the needs of the few. I’ve promoted positivity. I’ve steered clear of fear and doubt. Looking after my aura energy I want to be an effective human being. How do I do that if I have no voice?

Anyone who has been following my blogs will know that they started as my way to find my writing voice. By taking on a challenge to write for 30 days I hoped to overcome what seemed like nearly unbeatable writers block. Shaky at first, then gaining more strength my writing voice is now firmly in place. I love doing my blogs. I’m passionate about ending my day with a thought-provoking hour of personal reflection. I watch amazed as the words fly onto the page or screen. Wow. I feel so powerful to be able to express myself. I don’t care that no one else might be reading them. This is my introspection time.

The feeling of power has been there all along. I just didn’t acknowledge it. That’s something that spins into the voice I use in other areas of my life. I’m a medium so my job is to go where I’m sent to represent the voice of the Spirit World or other Energy Beings. I have to say it’s not a job I actively applied for. It sort of descended on me in stages. Bit by bit I got used to standing up in rooms full of people to speak. I had no oomph at first. No real volume to my words. Unsteady, slightly embarrassed, almost apologetic. I was as unsure of my ‘subject matter’ as of my ability. Yet I stood as tall as I could and spoke. I worked to get better. One day I felt powerful enough to decide I’d done a good enough job. Wow again.

Here we go once more – I’m a slow learner!

The same process happened with my painting. I was dragged rather reluctantly back to my love of colour & paint. My Guides had to send someone down here in to help me. Yet as soon as I put paint on the canvas the first time I felt a stirring of excitement. On my way home I had to stop to get paint and paper. Of course I went through the same loop of uncertainty, gradually finding a comfort with expressing myself in art until I was painting only for myself and loving it. The pile of paintings grew. I moved into exploring pastels, watercolours, collage, glass painting. Anything and everything I could think of. My artist voice was beaming out from my paintings loud and strong. Wow once more.

It’s clear that I have been disempowering myself in major ways for most of my life. Taking back the power, even finding it in the first place, meant looking for my voice. The inner journey is never straightforward. I had to remove the voice of doubt, the voice of comparison, the voice of not good enough, the voice of you can’t, the voice of you won’t ever. No wonder it was hard to find my powerful voice. Every layer of voice that I discarded contained a belief about myself that I had soaked up from experiences, judgements, social conditioning. Hard beliefs to remove. Especially when the final voice I had to silence was the voice of fear.

Fear steals our voice more effectively than anything else. Fear takes away our power to act. Fear pushes us into being passive.

I’m a bit of a social media addict. I love reading my Facebook newsfeed to see what my friends are up to. Over the last few days fear has stalked my newsfeed. People are uncertain. The language they use may be of anger or hate or intolerance. However the root cause is fear. If I feel fear I also feel powerless. My words go unheard because I express myself in fearful terms. Being able to speak out is to regain my power. Every time I achieved that in my writing, speaking and painting the fear disappeared. It’s time for me and everyone else to take back power through our ability to speak out. To reclaim the right to say ‘Not in my name’. I am on a mission to use my power to express myself for a positive good.

I want to offer people the vision of a powerful, united world where we can all speak our truth in whatever form that takes. Speaking from love rather than fear. Empowering ourselves. Respecting what is said. Agreeing to disagree if that is the reality. Putting the needs of the many before the power of the few. Turning our communications up side down. Leave behind fear and all of those other voices that steal your power away. Please love yourself enough to find your positive voice and speak powerfully.

Day 223 of my blogging challenge.

Outside the comfort zone

imageLast night I had to move outside my comfort zone. Only yesterday morning I was talking to a wonderful group of visionary women about the nudges I keep getting from my Guides. They want me to make videos to help people find out more about connecting to the Spirit World. They also want me to get involved in radio & podcasting. To make the point sink in I ended up with a dodgy broadband connect so I couldn’t access this blog page as I usually do. In the end I had four attempts at recording a video, so more practice than I expected!

Today I went off to do something I enjoy doing. I was at Blackpool Spiritualists Church doing the service. It’s very much in my comfort zone now. So comfortable that I could take my shoes off because it was part of a message. Immediately before I started I suddenly thought about how scared I used to be of standing up to give messages. In fact I told people at my first development group that I would never get up on a platform to give messages. So Spirit have helped me move a long way out of that particular comfort zone. Now they want me to move out of other comfort zones. And I’m going to have to make myself uncomfortable to do so.

That is where the resistance usually kicks in. Making a change to any pattern involves stepping into a whole load of doubt, reluctance and fear. If I can’t ‘see’ how things are going to turn out, how I’m going to be when the changes have been made it’s almost easier to try to stick with things staying the way they are. Yet staying the same rules out discovering the new. So it turns out that I am good at connecting with the Spirit World, getting the evidence they want to give and passing on messages. If I had carried on resisting their requests for me to try giving messages in public an opportunity for me to discover a skill and a new passion would have been missed. I suspect it would have come around again but less people would have been connected to their loved ones because I was scared or doubtful. I now wonder how many times they tried to get me out of that particular comfort zone and my reluctance won.

I have several other comfort zones to expand and grow through yet. I have a distinct advantage this time though. I am aware that I resist out of doubt & fear. I also have Guides helping me when I take my first, second and third wobbly steps over the existing line. There is great support available to me from some wonderful people in my life who encourage me to go for it. And I also know that the dithering will always end up with me taking that first step. You see, I also know that I love to grow. It may be painful, challenging or hard work but I enjoy finding a new bit of me – a skill or talent, a mindset or attitude – something that will widen my horizons. Growth is also fun, inspiring, energising and exciting. It’s why we are here. In fact I called my business Growth Into Awareness because I wanted to remind myself that a comfort zone becomes something of a prison if I refuse to let myself change & develop.

Starting right now I’m working on moving outside another comfort zone – more of this in future blogs. Let’s see how far I can move myself this time. If you are finding the pressure of change is inside of you it’s time to recognise your comfort zone has got too small. You have undiscovered & unacknowledge talents and skills. Push yourself a little. Step out one, then two, then more steps. Explore. Rediscover the excitement of the new space in your life. Step lightly through the changes you are making to become more ‘you’. Doubt, fear and uncertainty will be part of your journey. Make then useful by stepping further into those feelings. Turn them into a positive force for change rather than a big brick wall to contain you. You are a unique human being with much more to offer than you recognise yet. Enjoy your journey of discovery!

Day 156 of my blogging challenge.