Celebrate creativity

images-40Today is my 60th consecutive blog! I’ve doubled the target I set for myself when I took on Bradley Will‘s Learn to Blog challenge back in December. It feels a bit funny having got to another milestone. I’m almost reluctant to write about my day, as if, in some way, getting to 60 is the end of something. Yet tomorrow I can start on the next block of 30 days as I build myself towards my grand total of 1001 consecutive blogs. I’m not actually letting myself think about the grand total. Another 30 will do for me!

So why be reluctant? When I started to think about that feeling I recognised that I have lots of niggles about failure. In me is a perfectionist streak that has been honed to a fine point by the feedback from others when things I’ve suggested or tried have failed. For a lot of my life I’ve been surrounded by people who found it hard to celebrate their failure and, more importantly, failed to celebrate their success. Perhaps we were the ‘must try harder’ generation in school and life. The ones who nearly delivered but didn’t quite.

Even though my blog is becoming a regular habit – the best way to make sure I do it – there is still that fear of falling away from my promise to myself. Have I made it too hard on myself by setting such a ridiculously high target. My school motto was ‘Aim High’ and throughout my life I guess I’ve tried to do that. Perhaps my aim has been too high? Or not high enough? Because how big is high? I must have missed the classes where we were taught to celebrate everything we did – where failure was another word for creativity. That has been the hard part for me – learning that mistakes, muddles, messes were only ‘failure’ because the words had a negative connotation. Creativity is full of returning to the drawing board. An inspiration may need to be worked and worked until it’s form is what we wish it to be. I suspect that like cars & vacuum cleaners our ideas need some room to be tested to destruction too. Only then can we decide if we like what we have done. Perhaps success could best be defined as when we like or love what we have made, done, said or lived?

Over the last 60 days my creativity has been on public display. Have I liked what I’ve written? Mostly. Are their blogs that could benefit from being edited, rewritten or deleted? Probably. Have I enjoyed the freedom to post what I have created? Definitely. Is my blog a success. Absolutely. Am I going to keep going? Certainly! I hope you have enjoyed the highs and lows of my blogging endeavours. If you have stuck with me, or have dipped in & out, or perhaps only read this one thank you for taking the time to celebrate my creativity with me. I have no idea where this creative journey will take me but I intend to keep celebrating my creative ideas, good, bad or indifferent.

Day 60 of my blogging challenge.

My psychic life: Day 9

images-26I started blogging every day as part of a challenge posed by Bradley Will on FaceBook. He has been encouraging all of us to keep going & sends an email every day. Yesterday his email reached me after I’d done my blog (I hadn’t checked my work emails) so I read his comment that we had all contributed 1,119 blog pieces so far in amazement. 8 of those were mine!

He also talked about the vulnerability of opening up in a blog – when it becomes more personal than business. The challenge is to write something people want to read rather than a marketing piece. I’ve had some lovely feedback about my blogs (& the other pieces I write here & there) but it got me thinking about how much of ‘me’ comes through what I write. I hope that my blogs are ‘me’ as I want to write from the heart. It also made me wonder about the things about a psychic life that very rarely get discussed. Not because they don’t matter – but somehow because perhaps we feel we shouldn’t let the side down. Is this another example of the British conditioning of ‘stiff upper lip’; is it that too much feeling is uncomfortable for the reader; or, are we scared to show that we are human too in case people think worse of us?

One of the parts of my psychic life that I find more difficult is the bit where I get to wear the “Karma Agent’ badge. Someone has to play the devils advocate role. To say the things that no one else will. To ‘shake the tree’ so to speak in people’s lives. Often I don’t even know that I’m wearing the badge again. I’m caught up in the action & wondering why, who, what, where & how ‘stuff’ is happening. Often the Spirit Guides are speaking through me. Not just my own Guides but those of the other people involved too. As a result I can end up the focal point for conflict, not because I’ve caused it, but so that people will really say what they mean. It’s only when we reveal our true feelings & thoughts can we give them a good looking at. Often we recognise that what we are feeling & thinking is not at all nice. Saying it makes us look closely at our values & beliefs.

A teacher, guru, leader, inspirer (call it what you will) may be the very one who says the things we least like to hear. Having put the teacher on a pedestal the student is unhappy to recognise that the teacher is only half a step more advanced along the road – being only too human. Yet in the throws of rebellion, in recognising the teacher’s own frailties, the student has an opportunity to see in herself a reflection of those failings. The teacher is there to encourage this process. What the teacher has learned is that we must all take our own responsibility for our own thoughts & actions. That making the best possible choices can only be for each individual to decide. That another person’s words, thoughts, deeds stand alone and need not affect us. When we get to this recognition we can finally move away from blame. It is not the fault of others that they are human too. It is not the fault of others that you might feel this way or that. It is always possible to step out of the drama, check in with your inner being & ask why you are feeling & thinking this way. Often that has nothing to do with the person or situation in front of you.

As a psychic medium people rely on what I say. That’s why it is very important for me to be as clear & accurate as possible. People also believe that I have a trouble free life with no worries. After all, aren’t my Guides telling me what to do all of the time. Actually my Guides are very clear. I have to navigate my life for myself. They encourage me to be truthful (as much as is humanly possible), they encourage me to offer my help to others (as much as is humanly possible) and they encourage me to live a life that is as spiritual as (humanly) possible. They recognise that perfection doesn’t exist. They ask me to be compassionate towards myself. They ask me to be compassionate towards others. But not at the expense of my own self. So when I have been confronted by difficult Karmic missions I enlist their help in keeping me balanced.

To give a life example; I have often found myself in coercive relationships. Not what we would currently call abusive. A pressure instead to be something I’m not so that the other person could have what they wanted rather than what I am. A subtle flow of energy that of course I will be their friend, partner, mother, father, sister, brother, teacher, child, leader, business angel, security blanket, co-conspiritor. Of course, I might actually be all of those things at any given time. I might join in the coercion if I need to feel good about myself, or want approval or recognition or to be a martyr. However, those roles are exhausting – they are not me – they are a part I’m playing in someone else’s play. So over time I’ve learned to spot when a potentially coercive relationship pops up. I have chosen to be as supportive as possible to the other person’s needs BUT without compromising on my needs. It isn’t a possible to handle coercive relationship any other way. Actually, if you do comply with the pressure you bear the brunt of the other person’s disappointment (remember you are only acting & will eventually want to give up the part) or of their blame (when you refuse the part in the first place).

The impact of deciding to take responsibility only for my own feelings, thoughts & actions has sometimes been perceived as somehow wrong by others. People who haven’t been prepared to recognise that the coercion is actually a form of harassment have become co-conspiritors with the coercer. Words & actions have followed that are quite often very wide of a true understanding of the nature of coercive relationships. I accept that I put myself out to public scrutiny – after all that is what my blog is about – but my true voice is as valuable to the world as any other person’s true voice. In the words of Evelyn Beatrice Hall “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it”. I continue to be a Karmic Agent, respecting the right of others to disagree with me, and determined that I will represent my psychic life as truthfully as I can!