Goddess of Compassion: Believing in Yourself

I’ve taken myself off for a couple of days. House-sitter in place and cats in charge. Letting myself have some compassion for me.

That’s the hard part. When things are tough I can slide into picking at myself. I believe all of us have that little negative voice that pops up when we least expect it. It was there today. Nagging at me. Because it’s been a bit of a hard week. Energy wise and work wise. I’ve been getting the tests from the Saturn energy. Old issues that I thought I’d settled ages ago. But back up in my face once more. At least I’m getting better at recognising the negative voice and the issues it brings. So I’m please with myself for deciding that I needed some time out. Actually some time away. Grounding myself once more. It’s about compassion.

I know that we find it hard to put ourselves first when we believe in being of service to others. That often leads me to try to do too much. I also know that I’m not the only one doing that. So many people want to do their best for others. Like me they practice random acts of kindness. And perhaps take on too much responsibility for the outcomes others expect. Yet where is the self compassion? Random acts of kindness I do for myself? I find it hard to praise myself. It seems big-headed. I also find it difficult to say no. That feels like an unkindness to the other person. But I say no to myself so much. I tell myself I can’t have this, do that or enjoy myself too much.

The worst of it is that I know better. I understand that compassion is for me, you, everyone. Kindness is a blessing we are all entities to.

Several times this week I have found myself in echoes of old situations. Circumstances where I have felt that someone has been trying to take advantage of my good nature. Or actually has managed to do that. They have been blind to their actions or the feelings it led to. And I have been left to deal with how I feel as a result. One two occasions I’ve actually been unable to voice my feelings. Not at all like me as I am now. Yet very like me some years ago. It made me think. Actually it stopped me in my tracks. I started to argue with myself. Because I felt I was being unkind. To the other people involved. In an instant that negative voice was there. Telling me how awful I was. Worst of all I felt as if I’d lost all that ground I had already made.

That’s when I asked my oracle cards for help. Really I was calling for my Guides to give me a nudge. How had I let that negative voice upset me? They sent me the Goddess of Compassion. As a reminder and a prompt. I was forgetting to be compassionate towards myself. Of course I know that making spiritual progress is more like an upwards spiral than a straight line. So I was certainly being harsh on myself to think I had somehow slid back into old habits. Although it was also a reminder to make sure I use my voice and make my requirements very clear in future. Sometimes an old pattern is hard to break. Because it makes me feel safe.

Though an old pattern is also a temptation. To stop making changes, especially if they are challenging, and to play safe. My compassion for me is to recognise the ‘safe’ patterns are restricting.

And, of course, to keep on making the changes. I can do that best if I honour my abilities. So as I drove to my retreat I started to think about all of the wonderful things that I have received in the last few years. I am blessed with loyal and truthful friends. They help me remember what I’m good at. The Universe has sent me transport when I needed it, a retreat when I wish to clear my head and work that I love. I have a family who are caring and compassionate. My pets comfort me when I’m stressed. And I have Guides and Inspirers who push me just that little bit further out of my comfort zone every time. For everything I have given I have also received.

Although the negative voice has tried hard this week to remind me that I haven’t given this or that, or got that or this, I looked at the scenery I was driving through and knew I have everything I require. My life is happening in a way that is bringing me all I’ve ever wanted. Because I have decided to use my abilities. In spite of my fears trying to hold me back. I have let myself discover what I’m good at. What I’m excellent at. I’m living more and more of my life in that excellent zone. So of course the tests will be there to see if I can stick with it. The negative voice is actually scared of me. And my compassion towards myself. Because it knows it’s getting quieter. It has less influence. That voice is disappearing.

So I feel like I’m back on track. The Universe will keep delivering it’s random acts of kindness for me. And I will stay compassionate with myself. If I believe in my goodness I can also believe in the goodness in others. Life will rebalance itself without effort.

Day 613 of my blogging challenge 

The picture with this post if of one of the cards from the set ‘Angels, Gods and Goddesses by Toni Carmine Salerno. I have adjusted it slightly with a photoshopping app.¬†

Revisiting Conversations

Sometime in a week a theme or topic seems to be ever present. Perhaps this week, because of the effect of Chiron and some Saturn energy, I’ve been paying attention to the conversations I’ve been having.

I’ve already written about that. Yet I found myself revisiting the conversations of earlier in the week when I was talking to more friends today. One of the strands of discussion was about the way in which we all go through wobbly moments. I noticed a lot of my friends have had wobbles, mainly on Tuesday and Wednesday, at the very time when the Light is returning to the world. I wobbled too. Although the energy of Imbolc, or Bridget’s Day, or Candlemas, is a positive uplift the week has been less Light inspiring than I expected. It’s as if we all got a blast of Light but got blinded by it at first.

Now that the week I’d drawing to a close I feel that I have had that Light helping me. I’ve been revisiting my view of myself. Looking at me as an I Am. seeking out any new changes or old stuckness. Probing into my inner world to identify what the wobble was all about. Because wobble said always bring things to the surface for me to pay attention to. It’s interesting how I cling to negative energy. Or perhaps it should be how negative energy wants to cling to me. Sometimes when you distance yourself from the sources of negativity it’s as if that energy flow tries to hook you back in.

I used to get hooked back in quite easily. Revisiting my experiences of the past eleven intuitive years I realised that I felt more comfortable in the negative zone.

Then I would search for the teacher who could pull me out of it. Sometimes not realising that the teacher was stuck too. Of course I was responding to the needs of my Ego. I stayed safe within the limits it set me. Even when my Spirit was prompting me that I was more than those particularmlimitations. Even in the face of my Guides pouring endless unconditional love over me. It was like I couldn’t love myself enough to believe in and trust myself. I didn’t really start to change until my Guides stopped sending me to teachers. Then I saw that co-dependency was a key factor of my comfort zone. I needed someone to validate my inner wisdom.

That’s actually quite a popular method of self-sabotage. When I revisited my search for teachers I realised that I had given my power to them. I had gone to learn with an attitude of ‘I’m not worthy’. So my lessons were hard. And I often refused to acknowledge my own wisdom of myself. I’m not alone in giving others ‘expert’.power. Our school systems tell us that our teachers know best, are like Gods and have all the power. So I went along trying to validate myself by getting teachers who might, one day, say I was some good. That I had wisdom and knowledge. In fact, that I was worthy.

In reality, I stayed stuck. I couldn’t embrace my unique combination of wisdom and experience. Or accept that it had any value to me or others.

It was only when I started to teach awareness of intuition and later energy connections that I finally let go of that inner judgement. Revisiting that time I know I had no external validation that what I was sharing was ‘right’. However I had Guides who encouraged me to continue sharing. They helped me to understand that my path was only my path. Yet if I told others about it they might be encouraged to find their path. And if I showed them what I had done they could experiment for themselves. I discovered that my best teacher about my inner world was me. It was then that I really began to embrace my own inner knowing.

Now I do what I feel prompted to do. I still read and listen to other people’s experiences. I notice the language they use to describe their experiences in case we are talking about the same things but in different words. If I find something that seems to resonate with me I will try it. Best of all, I pay attention to the conversations I have with my Guides. If I’m stuck I know they will help me revisit what I don’t yet see clearly. I enjoy being self taught. Because I’m the expert in me. And I’m the only one who can translate my experiences into meaning for me. I still love to teach by sharing my experiences.

Best of all I love it when the people I am sharing with can find their own self belief, wisdom and knowledge by connecting first with their intuition and then with their Guides. Believe in yourself. You are wiser than you know.

Day 438 of my blogging challenge.