Bedtime Annie! But I Want To Stay Up!

bedtimeI’ve been on an EFT workshop today. I like EFT but I hadn’t really planned to do more learning about it. Yet when my friend Fiona said that there was still a place available I really felt like I should go. At bedtime last night I did all of my usual things. But I couldn’t get to sleep.

I was still winding down from working late. Sometimes time zones mean I speak to people later in my night time so that we speak in their morning or afternoon time. Otherwise we can’t connect. So, as I’m a bit of a night owl anyway, I don’t mind working a bit later. In the end I got up again, had a cup of tea and tried to go to bed again. I did fall asleep and woke up ok. Yet the issue of bedtime came up for me in some of the practice tapping. Because I have to change my routine now. I want to do so because I’d like to write every morning first thing when I get up. But my working day kicks in quite early. How to find the time?

And how to find the discipline I need to make it happen? I need wind down time. Yet I have people who consult with me late in the evening. If I’m not careful my bedtime drifts to one am or later. Getting up at seven or eight am to focus on writing means less sleep. Yet I need my sleep. As I started to tackle this with the help of another group member what came up for me was about my childhood. I was surprised to find memories of my Mum playing a part. She always had to send me to bed. I used to sit on the stairs listening to the TV programmes. Because all of the ones I liked were on after my supposed bedtime. She would check on me soon after she told me to go to bed. And there I would be on the stairs. Not wanting to miss out. It seems I have a long established ‘go to bed Annie’ pattern.

The special thing about discovering this is that my Mum passed to Spirit fourteen years ago. I hadn’t realised how much grief I was still holding onto until I realised my bedtime routine had reverted to a childhood one.

Even though she works with me as  a Guide my Mum can’t tell me to go to bed any more. It’s against the rules to interfere with my free will. My need for my Mum to send me to bed is part of wanting to feel safe. Safe in a world where she can’t physically be here to tell me to go to bed. So my natural night owl has been pushed into overdrive. While I wait for that instruction to go to sleep. Or fall asleep from exhaustion. Even though I have spent twenty years helping people deal with grief I recognised today that I had to do more work to help me deal with mine. Thank goodness for tapping. And tears. As well as good friends. And a safe place to let go of it all.

Because connecting with my Mum in Spirit is wonderful. I feel her presence a lot. But it doesn’t stop me wanting more. More messages. More contact. really, what I want is to have her back in the physical. Here in front of me. And I know that isn’t possible. yet that little girl sits on the stairs every night waiting to be told to go to bed. Working through this today I felt a great sense of relief. I want to get on with my writing. I’ve blogged before about my writers block. So I really don’t want to get into that pattern again. Finding out what has been keeping me in a holding pattern means I can move on. Knowing it’s ok to change my pattern. And giving that little girl a motherly hug as I tell her ‘go to bed Annie’.

I am sure my Mum was the one getting me to the EFT course. She came to visit in my Home Circle on Friday night and left me a few cryptic confirmations about today. She know how much I want to continue writing. I still have so much to say!

Day 849 of my blogging challenge