Knowing exactly who I am is very important if I want to live the best possible life. A part of my search to understand me has been through exploring my shadow side.
In fact, knowing that I have a shadow side at all is a big step. I spent quite a bit of my life trying hard to ignore those things I didn’t like about myself. I was in denial. It was much easier to believe I was all sweetness and light. Even if it meant I had to turn feedback around to mean something else. All so that I could stay in a comfort zone. Of course, what I was missing was some of the aspects of myself that helped me when things were really challenging. Because I didn’t recognise them I couldn’t call on them to help me when those skills were the best to use. So tonight I’ve written about knowing who is on my shadow side. Or at least the part of my shadow that I’ve embraced.
I’m a ‘just in time’ er with a passion for not being late who often over commits and ends up as Miss Not Done. So I end up hearing that shadow voice telling me off for not planning better, not getting things done and not managing very well. She’s quite a long established part of me and she keep company with Miss Not Good Enough who takes great delight in reminding me that I’ll never amount to anything. Knowing that I might very easily agree with her. They share a flat with Mr You’re Ugly who has a real downer on anyone who isn’t magazine model perfect. They often get visits from Invisible Betty who wants to stay so far in the background that she is a virtual transparency.
Knowing there are plenty more, I’ll continue!
Dragged along with her is Diva Delores. Delores likes to be centre stage all the time so Mr Too Big For Your Boots (he’s a teacher) often takes a shot at her. Then Teenage Tantrum, a morose and miserable girl, gets upset and starts winding up Mandy No Mates. Those two hate each other, mostly because Teenage doesn’t want friends but Mandy does. Jim Thick often tries to settle the arguments but as everyone assumes that he can’t think anyway he gets ignored. He tries to avoid Cruella Snob because she’s always looking for someone to judge. She has such a refined option of herself that no one else will ever be quite good enough. But she has a secret passion for Filandering Fil who likes to pay attention to any lady he thinks will believe he’s the best thing since sliced bread. Because he knows he is, of course.
Weepy Bucket also has a thing for Fil but as she’s always crying over spilt milk no one really cares. Overseeing all these is Harsh Mother. She likes to put her foot down with a firm hand. An iron fist actually. She forgot the bit about a velvet glove. If she ever had one it was lost a long time ago. But she’s a soft touch for any waif and stray who flatters her. So Whiny Kid gets a lot of his own way. Much to the disappointment of all the others. Phew! I suspect there are lots more inhabitants of Shadow Side, a leafy suburb of Inner Torment, a city on the edge of my perception.
Sometimes I’d love to demolish the town and get rid of the lot of them. But mostly I recognise that whilst they are taking up room inside I have a great opportunity to practice patience and self love. Knowing this certainly makes my life easier.
Day 716 of my blogging challenge