Sometimes I used to shout help in my head. Usually because I’d got something happening that has stopped me in my tracks. Something overwhelming. Or too challenging.
I know we all need help at times. I’m very good at offering help. I like to be helpful. Or feel that somehow I am helping. Yet it really amazes me that I used to find it so difficult to ask for help. I’d mastered a technique that seemed to block all offers of help. It’s as if my Ego mind needed to keep me feeling like I didn’t deserve help. Even that being vulnerable enough to need help was me being a failure. What an interesting mind set to have developed. Yet I saw it in action in myself every day. The funny things is, I also saw it in action in others every day too. What a strange way to go about things. We all want to offer our help but we all refuse to take it!
This confused logic and muddle of feelings became much more noticeable when I started working with my Guides. They really did want to help. But it took quite a while for me to ask for their help. Really ask for their support. Because I asked but didn’t want to receive. I was determined to fly solo with my development. Which lasted for a while. Until I came to something I didn’t understand so I ended up asking for and taking their help. This came back to my mind today. I am making changes to my life once again. More sorting out and moving on. Suddenly the offers of help are coming from all directions. It’s really wonderful. There is so much love being offered and this time I can recognise it. Each offer is an act of loving kindness towards me so I’m saying yes to all of it.
That also showed me something else today. I have come a long way from the person who thought she had to go it alone.
My Guides have helped me to recognise how much we can all support one another. Several years ago when I was making similar changes I asked very grudgingly for help. Of course I got it. But I’m not sure I let myself receive it properly. I didn’t value myself or the helpers enough. My excitement at moving on was surrounded by guilt. I felt guilty that I needed to ask. That led to me feeling obliged. A whole new set of feelings and thoughts about ‘paying back’ the support which had generously been given. What a muddle. Eventually I ended up feeling like I had better do everything myself. Just so I could avoid that guilty, obliged feeling.
in the past few years I have thought a lot about how much support I’ve turned down in my life. Pushing myself to be the one who gave. But not the one who received. The opportunity for others to enjoy helping were restricted by my actions. No wonder at times things got into a mess. I have been taking small steps to change my understanding of giving and receiving. Removing social conditioning isn’t ever straightforward. Yet I saw today how different my reactions to offers of helping have become. I am pleased that there is more of a balance now. I’m enjoying sharing in the kindness by receiving. Becuase I know that when I am needed I can give my support much more freely. And not be afraid to ask for it back.
Day 497 of my blogging challenge.