I love mentoring. Bringing things into the light so they can be released. Today there was a theme. Harsh judgements. It made me think about how my judgements hold me back.
I know that I can be a bit harsh on myself. I also know we all can. In my life I’ve tried to follow the rules. All the ‘how to’s’ that fill my day. Yet those rules have caught me out very often. Because I am unpredictable. We all are. Without that little bit of unpredictability I feel we stop being human. I find it really funny that our machines, those engineering innovations of predictability and reliability, are also unpredictable. Because it seems that everything needs a bit of spontaneity. A random chance. Two atoms, cars or people colliding with unforeseen consequences. I know this generates variety in my life. So when I’m choosing what I do it seems a little harsh to try to judge the outcomes. Although I admit to trying very hard to second guess my life.
And that’s often the problem. In judging my choices I agonise over what I’ve done. Was it the right thing? Have I said something I shouldn’t? Where will it all end up? Then I store away the judgement I have made. I keep it in the shadow side of my inner world. I tell myself I’ve failed or done badly. Because I’ve kept the judgement it is always ready to surface at a moment’s notice. To remind me, in a new situation, that I was rubbish the last time I had to deal with something like this. Added to unpredictability it’s a cocktail for my disaster. So I hesitate. Or shout at myself. Using harsh words I tell myself to doubt myself. Eventually that judgement ends up paralysing me. My inner world can never be a calm, safe space. Because that judgement is waiting to surprise me again.
I’m working on loving my shadow side. Noticing how harsh I can be with myself I have renewed my promise to be gentler with myself. I’ve also decided it’s time to clear out those old judgements. I’m no longer the person who made those choices. It’s time for the new me to free the old me.
Day 662 of my blogging challenge