Old Feelings Rising To The Surface

Yesterday I wrote about wobbles. The natural result of feelings coming to the surface. As I got into bed last night I realised that I had been feeling scared. Only I had no idea why.

That set me off on a little journey today. Trying to work out what, if anything, I had in my life that I was scared of. Although I thought about it for a while I still felt that this feeling was a bit random. It had come to the surface of my thoughts so I wanted to pay it some attention. Yet I felt stuck with identifying what it really was. I know that I can release my feelings easily once I decide to do so. But this had me a bit stumped. An important step was giving myself the time to think it through. But I knew I also had to go into the feeling itself to see if I could place it better.

I decided to sit quietly in my healing room and meditate for a short while. Taking those few moments I allowed the feeling to surface more fully. I could sense that the fear was around my self-esteem. Somewhere in my life some energy had got stuck. Perhaps I’d been unable to express this fear to anyone. Or the situation, whatever it was, meant that I locked the feeling away behind a closed door in my mind. It may have been that whoever else was involved had more powerful energy than me. As I slowly peeled back the layer of energy it seems that it was something very early in my life. Coming to the surface was something I had no thoughts about. Because it was in the time before I thought.

Children start to develop the ability to think around the age of seven. Before that they feel more than think. Under the surface of their conversations they are processing with their emotions instead of their minds.

Tracking down what inspired a fear becomes much more of a challenge when reaching back into childhood. However the meditation allowed me to be in the feeling. I could surface it enough to recognise that I was scared of being in the spotlight. It made sense. I have mixed feelings about being a public medium. I love making the connections to pass on messages. That feeling of being of service to others. But I also want to have a private life with my own opinions and views. This ambivalence comes straight from that fear. As a child I remember being told lots of things that made me feel I was pushing myself forward. And ‘good’ children don’t do that.

As I surfaced from my meditation I felt much more positive about that fear. Because I knew I could let it go. It doesn’t fit as a part of me any more. That’s the great thing about the energy that is around at the moment. I’m being helped to free myself from restrictions that I might not even know I’m applying to myself. I’m looking forward to the New Moon to help my fear on it’s way in the process of being transformed. That’s the key to the new me. Letting myself find and remove any stuckness. Transforming my life bit by bit. Through transforming me. I love this process. It’s bringing the best of me to the surface. That really is exciting. I wonder how I’ll turn out?

Day 578 of my blogging challenge 

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