Sometimes I feel like howling at the the moon. The lone wolf in me has had enough. I’m tired of trying my best. I want to head off alone. And leave everything behind.

I feel there comes a point in the process of change that is a real squeeze. I’m too far forward to go back. Yet hanging on by my fingertips to the past. It is what has defined me. So it’s safe. But very restricted. The future me is undefined. Unknown. I feel as if I’m the lone wolf. Running ahead of the pack. Sensing my way forward past the danger, imagined or real, that waits up ahead. But I don’t want to be a lone wolf either. I want my pack around me. Even want them to be making the decisions for me. Because that is easier. I can always say it was their fault if things go wrong.

In truth the lone wolf is just that. I am the one who is responsible for myself. It’s me making the choices. So when I can’t choose I’m ready to howl. Howl at the restrictions on my creativity. Roar at the fear that is pushing and pulling at me. Scream my resentment of the expectations I place on myself. Most of which are the product of other people’s expectations of me. And whimper at my lack of confidence in myself. Because otherwise all I would sound is the whine of my despair. Change is a dispiriting process. At times the excitement of the new is wiped completely by the concrete stuckness of the old. Breaking out of old habits is hard.

So is understanding the basis of those habits. I stand, like a lone wolf, panting and howling, raging against being human in the first place.

Today has been a day of wanting to go home. Back to the dimension I originated from. To leave the struggle of being human far behind me. I’ve wanted to escape what’s in front of me. Mostly because I know I’ve gone a bit off track. I’ve forgotten what my passion is. I’m still trying to do what is expected of me. Instead of racing off to do what I want. So the Universe has been slowing me down. No, the Universe has ground me to a halt. My batteries are flat. I’m frustrated with myself. The easy way to deal with this is say that it’s the world at fault. I also know that’s not true. I understand I’m not honouring my talents. Which means that no one else is either.

The lone wolf in me wants to snap and bite. Yet that wolf is also a leader. One who is prepared to be in advance, scouting out the way for the rest of the pack. Being brave enough to howl when necessary. Or to test the ground as much as is needed. Even if it means being the only one. Being alone. Running ahead all by myself. The cry of my innner wolf means several things today. It’s is the strength I draw on to persevere over rough ground. It is the eyes to see through the darkest night. And the intelligence to find the firm, safe ground on the path ahead. The wolf in me will spring ahead once I’ve finished my anguished ‘Why?’ cry to the Moon. Because there are creative solutions to changes. And I’m good at sniffing them out.

If it’s been a lone wolf day for you too I welcome you to my tribe. If you are going through changes I remind you that you are a creative being too. Join me in a chorus of howls before we move on once more.

Day 492 of my blogging challenge.