I had plans for today. Weeks ago I had scheduled a workshop working with silence to produce inner healing. A great way to spend a Saturday.

However, the best laid plans often turn upside down. Years ago I was very hooked on planning everything. I lived by my diary. It gave me a sense of control at a time when life often felt out of control. Planning was my coping mechanism. I had it down to a fine art. Probably because I was also a project manager. With a hectic job. And lots of juggling to do. So working to a plan in my private life had it’s appeal too. But I also used to get very frazzled when my plans were upset. I hated having to reschedule things. I had become inflexible.

In my reliance on plans I had forgotten how to be spontaneous. It has taken me quite a few years to unhook myself from a reliance on planning or control. Today I could see a real difference in my reaction to the change of events. The workshop didn’t run. I knew that it wouldn’t earlier in the week because no one had booked to do it. I decided that I would do the activities for myself. Since it was based around ways of using silence to access inner blockages being on my own at the Centre was perfect. And I have plenty to do at the Centre right now. A couple of weeks ago I gave notice on my art studio/office. All the stuff from there has been moved over. It needs sorting out.

It was exactly what I needed. A day of sorting out and clearing. Not having any other plans became a bonus.

Sifting through paperwork different things caught my attention. Memories of achievements. Form filling that took up too much time. Journals reminding me of my journey to now.  Deciding what to keep and what to loose. Organising where to file or put things. Part way through this silent contemplation I got an opportunity to discuss some things with a visitor. A good friend dropping by to collect some items. We sat in my healing room having a cuppa. Because it was the only clear space. But perfectly right for our conversation. I felt able to share my vulnerability. The wander through old papers had reminded me how sometimes I forgot to ask for support. Or even notice it was there.

I learned early in my life to make myself invisible. Because there were times when people around me seemed to treat me as if I was. When I needed help it became difficult to ask for it. Help seemed not to be for me. So I learned to cope. That was my ‘making plans’ behaviour. Talking with my friend I could see how I still hide sometimes, forgetting to ask for what I need and letting myself be treated as if I’m invisible. My ‘I can cope’ energy can be very strong. The silent contemplation during my task led to a very healing discussion. Something that couldn’t have happened if my plan for the day had stayed the same.

Going back to my work of moving and rearranging furniture I returned to my silence. Plans for where to store things bounced around my head. The layout of the room changed back and forth too.

Working quietly away I recognised the energy flows of the room. Listening to my intuition I placed things where it seemed most natural and easy. Once in position some things felt ‘right’. My Centre was taking shape around me in a natural flow. Any plan I had made already taken over by the feelings. Mind left aside for once. Again I sat with my cup of tea and thought about what had been happening. When I pay attention to my intuition there is a feeling of order out of chaos. Although my mind would have me set things up in a logical way I somehow feel restricted. Each piece going into place was like another click of the puzzle. My space is being created in a way that will be right for what I feel not what I think.

It felt good to recognise how creative my approach felt. As the chaos gently receded there was a place for everything and everything in it’s place. As if calm was gently spreading in the room item by item. How precious that silence had been. Giving me time to wander through options. Letting me weigh up each action to see if it felt right to the inner me. I reflected in how much I refer to the inner me now. My decisions are taken based on that inner guidance rather than the shoulds, musts and ought of the outer world. After all that is what I have been aiming for in my personal development. Of course I have to be ready to let my plans disappear. And for the most part the silence helped me realise that I do.

In the end I understand that I will continue to make plans. I’m happy to know that if my day changes into something else entirely it’s exactly what is required. All things considered silence has provided me with a very healing day.

Day 530 of my blogging challenge