Bedtime Annie! But I Want To Stay Up!

bedtimeI’ve been on an EFT workshop today. I like EFT but I hadn’t really planned to do more learning about it. Yet when my friend Fiona said that there was still a place available I really felt like I should go. At bedtime last night I did all of my usual things. But I couldn’t get to sleep.

I was still winding down from working late. Sometimes time zones mean I speak to people later in my night time so that we speak in their morning or afternoon time. Otherwise we can’t connect. So, as I’m a bit of a night owl anyway, I don’t mind working a bit later. In the end I got up again, had a cup of tea and tried to go to bed again. I did fall asleep and woke up ok. Yet the issue of bedtime came up for me in some of the practice tapping. Because I have to change my routine now. I want to do so because I’d like to write every morning first thing when I get up. But my working day kicks in quite early. How to find the time?

And how to find the discipline I need to make it happen? I need wind down time. Yet I have people who consult with me late in the evening. If I’m not careful my bedtime drifts to one am or later. Getting up at seven or eight am to focus on writing means less sleep. Yet I need my sleep. As I started to tackle this with the help of another group member what came up for me was about my childhood. I was surprised to find memories of my Mum playing a part. She always had to send me to bed. I used to sit on the stairs listening to the TV programmes. Because all of the ones I liked were on after my supposed bedtime. She would check on me soon after she told me to go to bed. And there I would be on the stairs. Not wanting to miss out. It seems I have a long established ‘go to bed Annie’ pattern.

The special thing about discovering this is that my Mum passed to Spirit fourteen years ago. I hadn’t realised how much grief I was still holding onto until I realised my bedtime routine had reverted to a childhood one.

Even though she works with me as  a Guide my Mum can’t tell me to go to bed any more. It’s against the rules to interfere with my free will. My need for my Mum to send me to bed is part of wanting to feel safe. Safe in a world where she can’t physically be here to tell me to go to bed. So my natural night owl has been pushed into overdrive. While I wait for that instruction to go to sleep. Or fall asleep from exhaustion. Even though I have spent twenty years helping people deal with grief I recognised today that I had to do more work to help me deal with mine. Thank goodness for tapping. And tears. As well as good friends. And a safe place to let go of it all.

Because connecting with my Mum in Spirit is wonderful. I feel her presence a lot. But it doesn’t stop me wanting more. More messages. More contact. really, what I want is to have her back in the physical. Here in front of me. And I know that isn’t possible. yet that little girl sits on the stairs every night waiting to be told to go to bed. Working through this today I felt a great sense of relief. I want to get on with my writing. I’ve blogged before about my writers block. So I really don’t want to get into that pattern again. Finding out what has been keeping me in a holding pattern means I can move on. Knowing it’s ok to change my pattern. And giving that little girl a motherly hug as I tell her ‘go to bed Annie’.

I am sure my Mum was the one getting me to the EFT course. She came to visit in my Home Circle on Friday night and left me a few cryptic confirmations about today. She know how much I want to continue writing. I still have so much to say!

Day 849 of my blogging challenge

Concluded! The 6th Inspired 2 Write Challenge

empowerment concludedI’ve concluded that I love writing. That might seem obvious after 765 blogs and a book. However, it’s taken me a while to get to the idea that I am a writer. An author.

I’ve just concluded my sixth Inspired 2 Write challenge on Facebook. This year I took the opportunity to see if I could extend or expand my writing. And I decided it would be great to have some company whilst I was doing it. Hence the six groups and various numbers of people joining me to explore their writing voices. It’s been an amazing journey. Some people have been with me on each challenge. Others have done one or two. Each time I launch it I get really excited that I will be reading pieces from lots of different points of view. In fact I find that the time flies by and the end is happening before I know it. I love it so much that I’m usually working our when I can start another one!

Finishing something also brings a little sadness that these wonderful voices might retreat into silence again. I don’t want that to happen. Writing has given me so much throughout my life. Even in the times when my own writing voice was squished or fell silent. Overcoming writers block enough to get through two years of blogging showed me that I really wanted to get the words out into the world. And they empowered me to stand by my writing voice when I wobbled and worried. I feel that the blocking time has been concluded. Now I hope that the people who have been in the challenges will feel empowered to pick up their writing even when there is no ‘official’ challenge.

Knowing that I am concluding a year of lots more writing has also empowered me to make a big leap. A leap into writing nearly full time. So I want to share the my final piece to the group tonight.

” I love that I set these topics without thinking. I’m empowering my creativity to leap out and bite me on the bum. Especially with a request for 300 words! And after a full on day and a church service. I guess I enjoy a challenge. That’s what I have been empowering myself to do. Grab the challenge, manage the fear and enjoy the leap of faith. For a long time I let other people tell me what to do. Or I responded to their expectations. Without realising that I was giving away my power. It seemed to be one of my obsessions that people had to be looked after, be happy and that I must do as much for them as I could. Yet all of the time my needs shrank further and further into the background.

So much so that I become unable to express my needs because it felt like they wouldn’t be listened to. I was sadly in need of empowerment by the time I realised I had nearly burnt myself out with this imbalance.

Taking back my power has been a long, frustrating and uncomfortable journey into myself. But it has taught me how easy it is to strip the power out of other people. Gaslighting, passive/aggressive behaviour, disrespect or undermining language all take their toll over time. I gave away my power in lots of situations because i wanted to be kind to others, not seeing that they weren’t kind to me. But the regaining of power can be done. I have given myself permission to speak as I find. And allowed myself to let other people’s reactions pass me by. I understand that my intentions are good even if other struggle to see that. And I recognise that I have the same right to life as everyone else. So I make no apologies for living life my way. And enjoying doing so.

Empowerment is about what you will let yourself do to recognise your rights as a human being. It brings with it the requirement to have an ethical base to work from. And a heart full of compassion for yourself and others when issues of power, rather than empowerment, crop up.” Challenge concluded!

Day 736 of my blogging challenge