Silence, Dark, Fear? A Quest.

imageSometimes when I’m clearing stuck energy I get myself into a right tiswas! Sleep seems impossible and my ego mind won’t shut up.

I guess that’s what being on retreat can mean too. When I step out of my everyday routine it creates space for the thoughts at the back of my mind to rush forward. That’s why I love silence and find it unsettling at the same time. The ego mind keep a low level conversation going on in the background most of the time. When I deliberately listen in to that conversation I am shown all that I fear. It’s not pleasant either. I have to face and embrace the dark, shadow side of me.

A long time ago I started a series of Vision Quests. I wanted to create some space where I could be open to my higher self. It was also important to me to heal myself from depression. Engaging in a quest, a search for who I was, seemed like a useful way to open myself up to part of me that had been buried deep down somewhere. Although I used a Native American model of spirituality the quest also connected for me with our Celtic shamanic tradition. My hope was to ‘travel’ to other spaces where I could have a different perspective on life. My life in particular.

I undertook Vision Quests in all sorts of circumstances. The ones I found the most challenging where those that took me through the dark night.

In the dark our accepted perceptions of the world shift. It’s easier to jump at shadows. To react to unfamiliar noises. I certainly found that the darkness stripped away my veneer of civilisation very quickly. The night is a place of the ego mind. Not being used to the night as an awake experience I found it hard to handle my ego mind. My fear level was sky high as my survival instinct seemed to cut in. What on earth could happen to me though? I was safe even if I was outside of my normal comfort zone.

I wonder when I became conditioned to fearing the dark? Perhaps it’s a shared fear of the collective unconscious? Do I hide from the dark because I know that it offers more knowledge of myself that I can handle in the light of day? On several occasions I was in moonlight. That felt more comfortable but only just. That ego voice still rumbled on making me feel uncomfortable. Yet going through the process of listening to myself I found I was able to look at my fearfulness. I could see where it had led me to judgements and assumptions. I could understand that the ego thinks self-preservation is only possible when we frame people as ‘other’ and competition. That I have inside me a drive to think of myself as an individual rather than as connected to all and everything.

Some would say that’s how we survived in times of scarce resources. Yet do I need that ego chatter now?

One of the most positive things in my life is my ability to connect. I can connect with everything if I let myself. I experience the world as a web of energy. The ego voice is an old evolutionary drive. It doesn’t meet what I need in my life now. It’s a distraction. The wonder of being connected is nourishment for my Spirit. It makes me limitless. It makes us all limitless. In our search for ‘something’ that gives life a purpose connecting into the energy of everyone and everything is amazing. Because I’m still me and you are still you. And at the same time we are each other.

So my retreat is a challenge to me to see how much ego chatter is still left. I am certain I want to release the energy of that chatter. It’s what prevents me from becoming more connected to myself and the energy world. I know that I have new tasks coming my way soon. The signals have been very clear. It’s time to refocus on the ways in which I’m meant to serve my higher purpose for being here. And that’s not in the way my ego thinks. Certainly not in ways that my ego will feel comfortably safe. That’s why I have to remove the chatter.

I am in the process of remembering all that I am. All that we in this reality are.

I’m in the dark bringing in the Light. Ego has no place in the work I’m doing. Whether we are ready for it or not, we are all in the process of remembering. Together we are creating a new way forward for humanity by remembering our source energy. When you are bombarded by your own ego chatter do your best to remember that you are a bright Spirit in a dark place. The long night will pass and Light will shine from you again.

Day 258 of my blogging challenge.