Suicide is a hard word to type. A hard death to understand or contemplate. Yet I know the desire to be out of a world that seems so closed to me that I can’t speak of my pain to anyone.
A long time ago I fell into a depression. And kept falling. I fell so deep that I became cut off from everyone around me. Even myself. In that isolated, lonely and confusing place I decided that I wanted to stop existing. I worked out my suicide plan. Then I put it into action. And came round the next day. I have been fortunate never to stray into that place again. Having to return to life spurred me on to making sure that I got help. Eventually I found I could reconnect with the everyday world of other people. And I realised that there would have been heavy consequences if I had left my life voluntarily. Mainly because no one around me, the people who loved me, knew that I was suffering.
I learned that they would have done anything they could to catch me as I fell. To take away my pain if they could. Suicide is often the silent killer. Leaving those who are here with so many questions. Because they always wish they could have done something, done more to help. It wasn’t until I started connecting with Spirit people that I heard the other side of death by suicide. Even though I understood it in a way. Sometimes it feels like all the doors to a happy life have closed one by one. Those who looked around for a way out only saw the door marked ‘exit by suicide’. Not all of those lovely people understood the impact of their decision. They felt it would be better for the people they left behind.
Some found that the problems they were caught up in were too big. Others felt they had no value and nothing further to contribute. Still others couldn’t see past the fog and confusion. Taking their own life seemed to be an answer.
Each one of the Spirit people I connected with explained the agony of thoughts and feelings they were caught up in before they chose the ‘exit by suicide’ door. How cut off they felt from their loved ones and the people around them. How much they felt they had let everyone down. I understand those feelings. And the temptation to blot it all out once and for all. Yet each Spirit also told me how grateful they felt to be embraced by the loved ones in Spirit as they crossed over. To return to a place where human issues have all been removed. I know they were wrapped in loving embraces. And helped to understand the nature of their choice.
There is no judgement in the Spirit World. Each person returns to love and healing. The Spirit people I have spoken with who chose suicide have always expressed regret at the fall out from their deaths. They have seen the impact of that passing on their loved ones. I know they try to connect back with their loved ones to give some explanation, some account of why it happened. Because they also want to make it clear that it had nothing to do with their family and friends either. They tell me how they got lost in a thick fog. Not understanding or thinking about the outer world at all. Stuck inside their heads and unable to break out again. In a place where it seemed all love had died.
The path to suicide is a long and twisted one. Because it has no signposts. No ‘get help now’ warnings. In the end, I know personally, it seems like the best of ideas. In a mind that is tortured in some way. My message from these loved ones is not that they didn’t love you, or want to be with you. But that there seemed like no way to stay here. Now they are at peace they can see all of the love you gave them. And they are sorry that they missed understanding that sooner.
Options? Sometimes it’s so hard to see the wood for the trees. Our lives seem to be dominated by so many shouldn’t, musts, oughts and duties. If we are not careful the responsibility of fitting in with all of these can end up crushing us. At best we get stuck feeling like there is only one way forward. Sometimes we are so totally blocked that we feel like there is no way to move from the spot we find ourselves in. We can become so caught up in the web of our own creating that even the biggest pair of scissors seems unlikely to be able to cut us free. It’s been one of my life experiences to feel that stuck. To be in such a deep despair that I’ve felt there was nothing left to do but to opt out of life altogether. It’s a very hard place to find yourself when all you want to do it get on with living a peaceable life.
Is the answer to end that life? I believe we come back again in our next life having to balance off any karma and deal with what we left unexperienced. This unfinished business sets up the patterns of the new life (or possible lives). But I also understand that stuck in the despair it’s hard to believe that there are any other choices. My Guides are very clear about suicide – there is no judgment about the way our lives end. We return to the Spirit World to rest, reflect and regroup. We have the chance to consider what choices we made and what options we had to do things differently. We also have an opportunity to see and understand the bigger picture. To look at the other people involved in the ebb and flow of our life just lived. We can see where obligations and responsibilities hindered us. And those occasions when the expectations of others (family, friends, society) made us think or feel that our choices were limited.
We also have a chance to see where our choice to take our own life has impacted on the lives of those left behind. The grief and sense of puzzlement that is felt when a loved one commits suicide gives each person options too. What we make of that loss of a loved one can generate positive or stuck consequences. How we come to terms with that kind of ending will set our choices in a different frame of reference. The Spirit who has left can observe how we overcome the difficulties caused by an unexpected death – one that often still carries with it deep shame, blame and recriminations. We who stay Earth side have to navigate through difficult feelings & thoughts to find new options for our life without that loved one.
So how do we recognise when we have choices? My Guides have been a wonderful source of ideas for me. In our discussions they have brought forward suggestions I wouldn’t even have imagined. They have helped me to sound things out in my head, check out how I feel about different directions that my actions can take me in and supported me through the fear of trying something new. I am grateful for all of their support. But what if you haven’t yet found your Guides? I have also been supported by some wonderful,people. They may not have known what they were helping me with but they listened, made suggestions and encouraged me to be brave enough to live the real me. I’ve also recognised that the Universe never acts against my best interest. Things really do happen for a reason. It may take some time for the bigger picture to emerge but when it does all the choices make sense.
When you get stuck find someone to help you identify new options. Listen to your intuition and keep an open mind. Nothing kills a positive option quicker than telling yourself it won’t work. Try not to focus on where the choice might take you in six or twelve moths time. Look at where it will take you right now or in the next few weeks. Hold on to the idea that nothing is so stuck that it can’t be solved. Remind yourself that you didn’t get to this point in your life without having to survive being stuck before. You have done it more than once so tell yourself you can get unstuck again. Then tell others what is happening and why you feel stuck. Let them help you to get unstuck because, whether you realise it or not in that moment, they really do care. Sitting in the Spirit World and realising that you had other choices is an option you may never want to choose.