I love how my day brings everything into focus. The background topic this week has been about expressing grief. Or the risk of getting stuck in grief.
I recalled today a general thread of conversations about letting go, moving on or feeling loss that had been demanding my attention for several days. Of course when there is a period of great change I have to let go of the old in order to be able to get hold of the new. There is a process to that which involves feeling the grief of letting go, of loss. Yet I know I am reluctant to express the grief. Even though I know I have to step through expressing the shock, disbelief, denial, anger, depression and acceptance of each loss in our lives. Sometimes the loss doesn’t matter too much – like loosing a glove – but often the loss is much more significant. So it’s painful.
That’s when I feel it’s important for me to make sure I am expressing the feelings as freely as possible. When I don’t do so the energy becomes stuck. Stuck energy creates problems. As more and more emotions pile up on top of old stuff it can take a lot of effort to hold it all in. To keep plodding on trying to convince myself that nothing has changed. Yet if I express my feelings as soon as possible there is one thing I definitely avoid. An emotional blow out. A volcanic eruption. Though I’ve had a few in my life because I tried to ignore the grief. Now I try to allow myself more freedom with expressing my feelings. Eventually the energy is exhausted. There is no more for me to express. I am at the point where I can move on.
Moving on is a different kind of expressing my feelings. It’s the point at which I know I’m ready to re-engage with my life as it is now. Not as it was.
Because no matter how hard I try my life has changed. Though there have been times when I’ve tried every way I could to make it go back to the way it was. Usually ending up angry, depressed and still trying to deny a new reality. So moving on at the right time is a positive aspect of grief. When I have reached the point of accepting that my life is going to be different. Moving on gives me a space to bring in the positives that change has brought. Perhaps I’m stronger. Or I have a new focus for my life. I might even have found new people to enhance my experiences of relationships. Or a more optimistic outlook.
Whatever it is, I will have my hope restored. Because grief dims hope for a while. Expressing hope even feels like an impossible ask. But when I have started to move on it means I’m prepared to give myself another chance at life. To have dreams again. And to remember with gratitude whoever or whatever has been lost. To be thankful that I can feel enough love to recognise the pain of loss. Today I reminded myself to honour my grief. I am moving on in so many ways. There is no place for the old feelings, thoughts or patterns. And I reminded myself to let go, gently, easily and hopefully.
Day 543 of my blogging challenge
My work today has all centred around shining light into dark places. Working with healing energy flows to illuminate where people have got stuck. Because sometimes it can be hard to work it out by yourself.
I woke from a dream this morning where I had been releasing negative words and energy. The negativity had become stuck in my mouth area. In the past I have had a loop of words to define myself that have been much less than positive. This loop has gone round and round for far too long. In the last week I’ve been taking action, along with my Guides, to clear it. Hence the dream. As the stream of energy flew out of my mouth it disappeared. Three times I released the energy and watched it as it faded into nothing. I was surrounded by light. It was shining on me as my energy brightened. Finally, I thought, my stuckness has disappeared. I can speak about myself in a better way.
Later I had the opportunity to do a Parashiel’s Balm healing for someone. As I scanned their aura I could see a huge lump of negative energy around their shoulder. No wonder they had felt like they were stuck in the dark all alone. Or that they had been struggling to make sense of a low feeling that never left them. Guided by the ArchAngels in the room I began some psychic surgery. These loving Energy Beings filled the space with light. Shining it at the dark lump of energy I watched as the negativity faded to be replaced by the wonderful orange rays of self-confidence. Beamed into the person was the strength of belief to help them overcome the challenges they faced. Another person released from being held back.
I used to wonder about the light energy. It comes shining through so brightly. Would it ever run out?
That’s when my Guides explained to me that the light energy is the energy of unconditional love. It is an endless, eternal supply freely available to anyone who asks. How wonderful I remember thinking. And I set off telling as many people as I could about it. Until I realised that not everyone is ready to become unstuck. Some people alre comfortable in the stuckness. Shining a light on their limitations doesn’t help. They need to be left in the patterns and habits that are comfortable for them. Understanding this changed my focus. I started to work with the people who were ready to work out and work through what was holding them back.
That’s how I ended my day. Discussing how my mentoring might be able to help someone to start moving forward again. It’s all about that really. Because if someone can recognise they are ready to change they can also put in the commitment to change. It’s as if they have reached a tipping point. Being ready to let go of old habits they bring all of their focus and energy to bear on shining more light into their lives. I know this process works. Becuase I’ve had to do it myself. The words of my dream were released as a result of my efforts to identify self destructive patterns. In the long run it’s possible that I would have changed my habits eventually. But I want to make my changes now.
I’m prepare do to keep shining light into all of my dark places. And committed to supporting other people who want to do that too. In whatever way is the best for them. So that we can change ourselves and thus the world a step at a time.
Day 535 of my blogging challenge
I’ve been wondering all day where my mind has been. All sorts of things have got in a muddle. Me included. So although I’ve done most of what I needed to I’ve still felt stuck.
Stuck in my thoughts. Perhaps even lost in my thoughts. I’ve noticed that when the energy is shifting in a big way my thoughts seem to take on a life of their own. They go round and round, get tangled and head off in all sorts of different directions. Also, on these kinds of days, they go into hiding. My brain turns to mush. I think I need to be here when I’m supposed to be there. Or I’m doing one thing when I actually should be doing another. It’s all a muddle so I end up with no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. Or things get cancelled. Or I need to be somewhere else because it’s the right thing to do.
Keeping going through the muddle, until my mind sorts itself out again, takes a certain amount of trust. Especially when I feel like there are lots of things I am stuck with. It also feels as if I’m dipping a toe in here, there and everywhere when I only want to focus and take action. So where has the focus gone? Of course, the competing waves of energy are what is really behind my mixed up brain. Not only my energy but the flow of feelings from everyone else can catch me off guard. So am I reacting to my thoughts and feelings? Is it the flow of other people’s thoughts and feelings? How do I even know on a muddled up day?
When I find myself in a day like to day I try my best to float through it. I give myself permission to be stuck. Letting my mind go off on it’s own wander I keep doing something, anything.
I find that if I keep doing things – little or big – the time passes. Eventually my brain comes back on line and my thoughts start to get organised again. Sometimes I find that I have new ideas floating around in my thoughts. Or a gap where old thoughts have disappeared. Even in the stuckness of a muddled mind it seems that a clear focus can emerge. Without me even having to work it out. That’s what I like about today. I know that when my mind has sorted itself out tomorrow I will wake up to moving forward again.
Day 359 of my blogging challenge.
I have had two really interesting conversations today about how to decide what to do. In each case I noticed that the issue that really got people stuck was making choices about what to change.
Sometimes I feel we don’t give ourselves enough credit. Change is a challenge. At every stage of our lives we have to learn new things, adapt to new circumstances and find fresh ways of dealing with life events. Otherwise I am sure none of us would ever have learned to walk, to talk, to make things or to form relationships. So many of our activities depend on learning and evolving. Yet I’ve noticed that when it’s time for me to change my head and my heart immediately start a war. My head does a lot of ‘what if’ thinking whilst my heart keeps sending me the signal that something has to give.
I also go into a ‘what is everyone else thinking and feeling’ mode. It’s as if I want to take responsibility for any changes I make having no or little impact on those around me. So I bounce backwards and forwards. Is it ok for me to think about my needs only. What should I do to make sure everyone else is happy with the change. Perhaps I’d better not make any changes at all. Or maybe I need to dive in and do it. It’s so easy to become confused. I’ve often wandered in that maze of confusion. Sometimes for months or years. It’s as if I’m finding sorting out the detail of what needs to change is too difficult. Or too complicated. Even completely unclear. Then I reach the stuck point.
I find myself agonising over going back or going forward. I’ve lost all sense of direction. My feelings flip in seconds and it’s as if I keep pointing in a new direction every time.
This is the bit that is the most challenging. Staying calm. Keeping my focus on being prepared to change. I know that if I accept I’m stuck, confused, unclear it will somehow be easier. Giving myself time to feel and think a whole range of things will eventually bring me clarity. Letting myself take all the time this particular change needs. Recognising the fear I have buried underneath the tumble of thoughts and feelings. Reminding myself that I have made many changes already in my life and this is just the next one. I am also helped by my belief in many lives.
That means that I can understand this particular shift in myself and my circumstances as part of a much longer process. It means I can allow myself time. As much time as I feel I need or want. Because if I don’t change this time round there will always be another chance. Nothing is quite as urgent as it seems. So I embrace that confusion knowing it will stop when my heart and head get into harmony with one another. The way to move my life forward will become clearer with every pause for thought. Giving my feelings room to be expressed will bring me a peaceful transition into the next phase of my life. The changes that are right for me will happen in their own good time if I trust they will. My job in all the changes is to stay calm and let it be ?
Day 340 of my blogging challenge.