It’s an enlightening day. I was reminded several times of the saying ‘The more things change, the more they stay the same’. It seems that one or two things are coming round again. And I wonder if I’ve managed to move in an upwards spiral at all.
It started because I had a difficult time getting to sleep. A flood siren at 7pm, the river raging and rising, rain that didn’t seem to want to go away. I felt I was back round at Christmas Day 2015. This time, instead of an elderly aunt I had my daughter to keep calm for. Preparations done for the possible flood I headed off to bed. But my mind was full of the memory of the 7.30am siren on Boxing Day that turned into a flood on it’s way. In the early hours of this morning I was waiting. Would the siren sound again?
As I thought about that waiting feeling I realised that the feelings from the flood were, to some extent, still locked inside my aura. Mostly it was my fear for the other person in the house and my cats. My rational brain knew that we would all be ok. We could stay safe upstairs. Yet I was remembering the aftermath too. Four days without power. No heat. No light. Wearing layers of clothes to keep warm and expecting the lights to come back on every few minutes. In the end I applied some self-Reiki, had a discussion with myself, sent the frightened me a lot of love and drifted off to sleep.
It’s interesting really. I am able to cope with fresh flooding but a little bit of me felt helpless. Is it ok to feel that way? What about being a survivor? That’s when the next thing came round.
People sometimes need my help then move on because they can manage for themselves. Sometimes they look around for different support. Occasionally they fall back into old patterns. Every now and then they stick with me as we move the support into new areas. It’s part of the exploration we all do. I know that I have had support from lots of different people throughout my life. When I have been ready I’ve moved on to a new choice or a different method. Chatting with someone today I picked up the question I’d asked earlier. Am I giving myself permission to feel vulnerable?
I feel that we are all under pressure to be strong. To survive everything. However, that stops me from acknowledging the fear that is in my life. It might even stop me from recognising that I’m living my whole life in fear. When I am able to see the scared part of me I have an opportunity to gather round me all of the support I need. If I can’t recognise the fear then I push the help away. It’s like a secret I don’t want others to find out about. So I hide it from myself too. That is a limit I’m placing on myself. And for all the wrong reasons.
Of course it’s ok to be frightened. It’s part of the survival mechanism that has kept us alive for thousands of years. What I’m coming round to is that I can’t jump at shadows. Otherwise I really would be going round in circles.
So when I thought about it a bit more I realised that what the residual fear was showing me was a way to spiral upwards. How not to get stuck. I have to recognise my patterns. When I am in them I need to acknowledge the fear. Then I need to choose to do things differently. And the first choice I have is to take the support or not. I can’t allow myself to be driven by fear here, there and everywhere pretending I’m ok. But secretly rejecting the support that is offered. I have to listen to myself with compassion. If I comfort the part of me that is feeling vulnerable I can stop the knee jerk reaction.
My old habits won’t get a look in if I give myself time to respond differently. And allow myself a full range of emotions. By accepting that it’s my right to feel frightened I can offer myself the best reassurance. The reassurance of experience. I have survived times when I didn’t believe for a moment I could. I have come through times when the fear was so strong I could taste it. In the end it’s knowing that fear won’t stop me carrying on with my life. As things circled through my day it helped me to see that each experience brings me a fresh insight into me. The chance to take a closer look at myself and understand that I am making progress in spite of my fears.
Day 372 of my blogging challenge.