Knowing Who I Am : Shadows?

shadowKnowing exactly who I am is very important if I want to live the best possible life. A part of my search to understand me has been through exploring my shadow side.

In fact, knowing that I have a shadow side at all is a big step. I spent quite a bit of my life trying hard to ignore those things I didn’t like about myself. I was in denial. It was much easier to believe I was all sweetness and light. Even if it meant I had to turn feedback around to mean something else. All so that I could stay in a comfort zone. Of course, what I was missing was some of the aspects of myself that helped me when things were really challenging. Because I didn’t recognise them I couldn’t call on them to help me when those skills were the best to use. So tonight I’ve written about knowing who is on my shadow side. Or at least the part of my shadow that I’ve embraced.

I’m a ‘just in time’ er with a passion for not being late who often over commits and ends up as Miss Not Done. So I end up hearing that shadow voice telling me off for not planning better, not getting things done and not managing very well. She’s quite a long established part of me and she keep company with Miss Not Good Enough who takes great delight in reminding me that I’ll never amount to anything. Knowing that I might very easily agree with her. They share a flat with Mr You’re Ugly who has a real downer on anyone who isn’t magazine model perfect. They often get visits from Invisible Betty who wants to stay so far in the background that she is a virtual transparency.

Knowing there are plenty more, I’ll continue!

Dragged along with her is Diva Delores. Delores likes to be centre stage all the time so Mr Too Big For Your Boots (he’s a teacher) often takes a shot at her. Then Teenage Tantrum, a morose and miserable girl, gets upset and starts winding up Mandy No Mates. Those two hate each other, mostly because Teenage doesn’t want friends but Mandy does. Jim Thick often tries to settle the arguments but as everyone assumes that he can’t think anyway he gets ignored. He tries to avoid Cruella Snob because she’s always looking for someone to judge. She has such a refined option of herself that no one else will ever be quite good enough. But she has a secret passion for Filandering Fil who likes to pay attention to any lady he thinks will believe he’s the best thing since sliced bread. Because he knows he is, of course.

Weepy Bucket also has a thing for Fil but as she’s always crying over spilt milk no one really cares. Overseeing all these is Harsh Mother. She likes to put her foot down with a firm hand. An iron fist actually. She forgot the bit about a velvet glove. If she ever had one it was lost a long time ago. But she’s a soft touch for any waif and stray who flatters her. So Whiny Kid gets a lot of his own way. Much to the disappointment of all the others. Phew! I suspect there are lots more inhabitants of Shadow Side, a leafy suburb of Inner Torment, a city on the edge of my perception.

Sometimes I’d love to demolish the town and get rid of the lot of them. But mostly I recognise that whilst they are taking up room inside I have a great opportunity to practice patience and self love. Knowing this certainly makes my life easier.

Day 716 of my blogging challenge

Leaping Into Darkness: Standing Steady

LeapingSometimes I feel like I’m leaping into darkness. I can’t see what’s ahead and my shadow side is doing it’s best to hold me back. That’s when I have to make the biggest effort to stay on track.

For most of this year I have been navigating my life blind. My usual sense of knowing exactly what I’m doing and where I’m going has been off line. That’s because it’s a year of big shifts, personally, globally and energetically. I’m not the only person confused, waiting and wondering ‘what next?’. As the year has gone on I’ve found myself shifting in all aspects of my life as the changes work their way through. But I’ve also noticed that whenever I’ve been leaping into the unknown my uncertainty has almost stopped me moving ahead. It’s really important for me to understand that habit. If I let it carry on into my future choices I could end up leaping – but not far enough or well enough.

That’s why I’m working hard to understand my fears. The parts of me that quake my way through change rather than striding confidently forward. I know I’m a bit of a control freak still. Change is something I’m only slowly getting comfortable with. But I have to help myself enjoy change when it happens because then I’m much more likely to make the best choices for me. And that’s the problem with my shadow side. When it gets in the way I don’t do the best for myself. Leaping forward turns into a jump backwards. As I acknowledge my fears it doesn’t remove them completely. But it makes it easier for me to ignore that ego prompt to stay in the same habits. Standing steady is my answer. I remind myself that I’m in charge, not the fear. And I remind myself of the many times I’ve leapt and succeeded.

That’s the point. Knowing that the leap will be over at some point. That I will be back on solid ground. And that everything will turn out well. Is it time to trust yourself enough to take a leap out of your comfort zone too?

Day 664 of my blogging challenge 

The Stars Align Under A Full Moon With Eclipse

StarsWhilst I was away this weekend I took the chance to look at the stars. There are interesting things afoot in the heavens at the moment. Not least because of an energy alignment that will affect all of us.

There is a Native American Peoples tradition that the first humans came from the Dog Star – Sirius – and that we have been helped by the people of that star to develop as human beings. It’s Sirius that makes some powerful waves tomorrow in what Is called the Lions Gate. The Earth, Sun and Sirius are in alignment with galactic central. The energy of two suns will beam it’s way through to us as a double blast of Light energy. This is being helped by the Full Moon calling all of us to manifest our deepest desires. With an eclipse thrown in to get us to clear away the fog that usually clouds our vision. Stars influencing who we are once again.

Of course humanity used the stars to help us discover who we really are for thousands of years. There are some sophisticated ancient circles and monuments that reflect a deep knowledge of star lore. With lots of instances of rituals reflecting knowledge of the heavens. Sometimes it feels like modern day man is only just catching up with what our ansectors seemed to know. So why is that important right now? I know that we are at the end of a long journey. For the past ten months I have been writing about the need to get acquainted with my shadow side. How I have had to learn to value myself, love myself and trust my abilities. Because I am almost on the point of stepping into my future mission.

But it’s not only the stars that I’m watching. I have been getting regular information from my Guides to prepare myself for the spiritual shift of the coming two months.

In practical terms that has left me thinking very deeply about who I am. And what is on my shadow side. As well as working out what skills and abilities I have. Then making sure I am valuing them appropriately. I have also had to walk through the wobbles that my fears have caused. Then to put my value out into the world. In addition I have been noticing which things make my heart sing. And what I am doing that causes me pain, upset or a dragging feeling. Bit by bit I have been letting go of anything that feels like it is pulling me back. Keeping an eye on my personal stars and my numerology.

I’ve been looking for patterns and habits that need to end. Taking the time to reconnect back with people who I value and who value me. Because I will need all of these positive relationships to help me master the changes that are coming along. I’m not surprised I’m writing about the energy shift again on a master number blog. 632 adds up to 11. The master number that combines most powerfully the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine energies. The power to create and manifest. It’s time for me to bring more balance to the world in a creative energy flow represented by feminine energy. But I will also need the ‘make it so’ energy of my masculine side. The stars are reminding me, and helping me, to make the spiritual life I really want to live.

Take notice of the stars. Their influence this month is very powerful. Use the opportunity to make sure you have done all of the preparations for your new life. I wish you well on your adventure.

Day 623 of my blogging challenge 

Inner Work to Change the Outer World

As the moon starts to wain it’s a good time for inner work. This was the inspiration from my Intuitive Connections Group today.

I believe in looking at the world as energy. I am energy. Everyone else is energy. In fact everything we experience, physical and non-physical, is the manifesting of energy. So feelings, thought and words are energy too. When I look at things this way I also look at my inner world. The energy that fills my mind. What thoughts am I having? What feelings am I feeling? And what words do I use or have I taken from others to define who I am?  Because sometimes the energy I give room to in my inner world is less than positive. Maybe the shadow side of me, the place where all of the uncomfortable or low vibrational thoughts and feelings are stored, also contains judgements that I apply to myself.

Incorrect judgements. Opinions that make my inner world a challenging place. Or where I block my own energy flow and end up denying myself positive energy. This means that when I send out my requests for abundance to flow in to me it doesn’t really happen. My inner world is sending out mixed energy signals. It also means that I am attracting energy into my life that may mirror the low vibrational energy in me. Instead of positive experiences I may draw to me all of the things I fear or dislike. Sometimes I may even choose not to notice these mirror images. Perhaps I feel it will be too difficult or painful to root out all of these wrong judgements. Especially if the energy attached to them is very strong.

My inner world stays in chaos instead of peace. I keep running into situations that distress me. I wonder why I can’t have a happy life.

And I keep saying that my outer world is causing the inner turmoil. The past haunts me. The present challenges me. And the future looks bleak. That is the point when I am required to look again. I have to be brave enough to see my inner world as clearly as possible. I know that we struggle sometimes to see the good in ourselves. Often because we have been told not to be arrogant or big-headed. Yet until I look at my virtues as much as I judge myself from my vices I won’t be able to change my outer world. That’s because I will keep on expecting the same. Giving out energy that produces the landscape I have inside of me.

When I get stuck in this way I try my best to remind myself of the good in my inner world. Of the positive energies in my life and in me. I focus on being good enough for the day I’m in and I keep my attention on what I’m doing in the moment. Of course I have to address all of those judgements in my head. And that’s where the waning moon energy is useful. I imagine all of the low vibrational energy fading away just like the moon disappearing from view. Encouraging myself to identify what is creating turmoil in my inner world I embrace that the past is the past. I try as much as possible to forgive myself for being a human who gets it wrong sometimes. And I re-call all the energy I have given out that was not what I wanted to send into the outer world.

Asking for the return of the low vibrational energy helps me to let it go. It was mine to start with and I can release it more positively than when I first sent it out. All I have to do is love myself. And make it my desire to send out more love to the outer world.

Day 566 of my blogging challenge 

Stepping Away from the Shadows

img_2203Today I’ve had a trip out to Middlesbrough to a lovely spiritual shop where the people try to help others find a route through the shadows. Stepping away from low vibrational energy is never easy. Getting support is important.

I know that I have a shadow side. I also know that so does every one else. It’s part of our human challenge. I can choose to follow a positive path as much as I can. Yet sometimes I get stuck in the negative flow. Owning my own thoughts and feelings is the best way to let my spiritual side make progress. But first I have to be able to see what they are. And acknowledge that some of my feelings and thoughts are my shadow side. Stepping back from myself is one of the key ways to do that.

When I sit down to write my blog I gather my thoughts about the day. I look for what I have experienced and how it made me feel. Then I choose what to write about. That process often brings to my notice the influences that have run through my day. As I consider these I’m looking for the stuck, challenging or negative energy. Where am I still holding judgements and opinions that might be unfair? What will I be stepping away from as I make better choices? Because that is the end result of thinking about my day. I give myself a chance to bring in a more positive flow of energy.

However, there are also times when I get stuck in a maze of thinking, feeling, debating my actions. Sometimes I need help to explore all the implications of my shadow side.

That’s when I find another person to help me work it all out. Someone who also recognises that we all have a shadow side. A person who can be honest with me whilst I work it all out. Living a spiritual life brings many challenges. What sort of spirituality for a start? One based in religious views might seem the best choice but I’ve always felt that religions were man made frameworks only. Open to wide interpretations. So not necessarily going to guide me at times when my definition of ‘spiritual’ is being challenged. With the help of someone who is also finding their way along the path too I have the space to explore my values, beliefs and options. To define my own personal understanding of what spirituality means to me.

There is also another way of stepping away from the shadows. In several conversations today I talked about asking my Guides and the Energy Beings around me for help or inspiration. They are always ready to listen, drop in comments and challenge me when I’m refusing to consider all the other sides to every story in my life. Over many years, long before I began my public work as a medium, these trusted advisors were available to support me. The fact that I didn’t use them half as much as they could have helped is down to my choices. And my stubbornness in wanting to live my life blind to the reality of shadows. Over the years they have consistently shown me what I was reluctant to look at. Not just my own low vibrations but those of others.

That is important right now. My Guides have been reminding me for a long time that we are being given a choice. The energy flow is all about stepping forward now. Choosing to become the best we can possibly be.

That can’t happen until each one of us faces and embraces our nasty, hurtful, angry, fearful bits. All that low level energy that we dish out into the world. All those times and occasions when we blame others for our own thoughts and feelings. Every time we act less lovingly towards each other. Especially those times when we make love conditional on our needs. Whether you believe in a Jesus Christ or not there is a lesson for all of us in turning the other cheek. Can I rise above the negative energy within me and around me? Can I offer myself up to another ‘blow’ and still hold myself in positive esteem?

Unconditional love applies inward first. Loving my humanity, my duality, my Spirit. Then staying in that flow of energy no matter what else is going on. The most wonderful thing I keep being told is that I don’t have to do it all by myself. There is so much support on hand to remind me that, warts and all, I am a being of love. So whether you write, talk or get guidance please seek out your shadow side. Learn to love it. Then be prepared to step away from it so that you can be the positive person you intended to be all along.

Day 324 of my blogging challenge.

Silence, Dark, Fear? A Quest.

imageSometimes when I’m clearing stuck energy I get myself into a right tiswas! Sleep seems impossible and my ego mind won’t shut up.

I guess that’s what being on retreat can mean too. When I step out of my everyday routine it creates space for the thoughts at the back of my mind to rush forward. That’s why I love silence and find it unsettling at the same time. The ego mind keep a low level conversation going on in the background most of the time. When I deliberately listen in to that conversation I am shown all that I fear. It’s not pleasant either. I have to face and embrace the dark, shadow side of me.

A long time ago I started a series of Vision Quests. I wanted to create some space where I could be open to my higher self. It was also important to me to heal myself from depression. Engaging in a quest, a search for who I was, seemed like a useful way to open myself up to part of me that had been buried deep down somewhere. Although I used a Native American model of spirituality the quest also connected for me with our Celtic shamanic tradition. My hope was to ‘travel’ to other spaces where I could have a different perspective on life. My life in particular.

I undertook Vision Quests in all sorts of circumstances. The ones I found the most challenging where those that took me through the dark night.

In the dark our accepted perceptions of the world shift. It’s easier to jump at shadows. To react to unfamiliar noises. I certainly found that the darkness stripped away my veneer of civilisation very quickly. The night is a place of the ego mind. Not being used to the night as an awake experience I found it hard to handle my ego mind. My fear level was sky high as my survival instinct seemed to cut in. What on earth could happen to me though? I was safe even if I was outside of my normal comfort zone.

I wonder when I became conditioned to fearing the dark? Perhaps it’s a shared fear of the collective unconscious? Do I hide from the dark because I know that it offers more knowledge of myself that I can handle in the light of day? On several occasions I was in moonlight. That felt more comfortable but only just. That ego voice still rumbled on making me feel uncomfortable. Yet going through the process of listening to myself I found I was able to look at my fearfulness. I could see where it had led me to judgements and assumptions. I could understand that the ego thinks self-preservation is only possible when we frame people as ‘other’ and competition. That I have inside me a drive to think of myself as an individual rather than as connected to all and everything.

Some would say that’s how we survived in times of scarce resources. Yet do I need that ego chatter now?

One of the most positive things in my life is my ability to connect. I can connect with everything if I let myself. I experience the world as a web of energy. The ego voice is an old evolutionary drive. It doesn’t meet what I need in my life now. It’s a distraction. The wonder of being connected is nourishment for my Spirit. It makes me limitless. It makes us all limitless. In our search for ‘something’ that gives life a purpose connecting into the energy of everyone and everything is amazing. Because I’m still me and you are still you. And at the same time we are each other.

So my retreat is a challenge to me to see how much ego chatter is still left. I am certain I want to release the energy of that chatter. It’s what prevents me from becoming more connected to myself and the energy world. I know that I have new tasks coming my way soon. The signals have been very clear. It’s time to refocus on the ways in which I’m meant to serve my higher purpose for being here. And that’s not in the way my ego thinks. Certainly not in ways that my ego will feel comfortably safe. That’s why I have to remove the chatter.

I am in the process of remembering all that I am. All that we in this reality are.

I’m in the dark bringing in the Light. Ego has no place in the work I’m doing. Whether we are ready for it or not, we are all in the process of remembering. Together we are creating a new way forward for humanity by remembering our source energy. When you are bombarded by your own ego chatter do your best to remember that you are a bright Spirit in a dark place. The long night will pass and Light will shine from you again.

Day 258 of my blogging challenge.