One definition of resentment is ‘bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly’. Today the word kept coming into my mind as I listened to the conversations around me.
I know we have recently been through a big energy upgrade. Last Sunday the download of new software blasted in. Along with the reboot energy of the full moon. It’s time to get authentic. There has been a push for me to speak my truth for quite a while now. Yet I’ve also felt a bit held back about what I want to say. Today I realised that part of the new software was a patch to release resentment. I’m sure I’m not the only Lightworker who expected the world to be a fairer place by now. In fact I was grumpy about being back here for a long time. Shouldn’t humanity have got it’s act together by now? Yet it quite clearly hadn’t.
As I grew up I seemed to be hard wired to expect people to be fair. When they weren’t I was disappointed. Sometimes bitterly let down. And unclear why people thought it was ok to demand, take or expect more than their fair share. That was the problem. The definition of a fair share. My ideas often seemed to be completely different than some of the people around me. Even to the point that I would behave in an unfair way too. Because I felt like I wasn’t getting my fair share and had to grab for it. Over many years I slowly recognised that my hope for fairness had built up into a resentment. I begrudged other people their share of life. I had fallen completely into the trap of comparison. And had told myself that I had less.
The resentment of less had affected my outlook on life very much. Inside I carried a bitterness about my life that meant anything I achieved was overshadowed by comparing myself to others.
I was in a sad state. Pushing to achieve more but never finding it enough. Needy for success but with no definition of what that would be. It made me ill. My energy was out of balance. The resentment I felt drove me more and more. I was fortunate that behind the scenes my Guides were arranging things to help me. I discovered meditation. Though it took me quite while to calm my mind. I went on creative workshops, to Mind, Body, Spirit events and discovered my love of crystals. At every step I was learning to love myself. That included releasing myself for the idea that life had to be fair. I was taking a chip off my shoulder.
As I understood more about myself I also began to let myself off the hook for wanting to be fair to everyone. I realised that some of my resentment came from an idea that being kind to everyone was only fair. My upbringing had led me to connect politeness with kindness and fairness. I sunk my voice behind a cloud of positive statements, compliments and acceptance speeches so I never challenged unfairness. With no voice to challenge it was no wonder I started to resent. But a key point came when I started to develop my mediumship. I had to speak for the Spirit people. They didn’t dress things up. The spoke through me to tell it as they saw it. My lovely communicators had no time for resentment.
In the end I began to understand how much the idea of fairness was a limitation. The Spirit people understood that being human is to live through the heart not the mind.
It took me a while to realise the distinction. Fairness is an expectation of the mind. My mind wanted everything to be equal. My heart knew that doing the best is what matters. The best with what I’ve got. Which might not be the same as what anyone else has got. My unique talents can contribute to the whole community. To resent others for having different talents is a waste of energy. Or a different life path. Even different challenges. So to get into a state of bitterness or indignation about what I haven’t got is a self-defeating move. As I realised it was a block to my spiritual progress I knew I had to deal with this mind construct. It seemed like I needed to have a better connection with my heart.
I began to focus on my abilities. Looking at what I liked about myself made sure that I spent less time comparing. Challenging myself every time I thought that something was unfair. I reminded myself that I was making assumptions and that the facts might be quite different. Because I knew that people’s lives were much more complex that it appears on the surface. After all my intuition was telling me that all the time. Resentment seems to be based on face value a lot of the time. On a sense of fair or unfair that differs so widely from person to person. I had to find a level of trust in myself to withstand my assumption that I was treated unfairly because I was me. More often than not any unfairness was purely the way life fell out.
My resentment finally started to clear in a big way when I learned to love myself. That had many parts to it.
Firstly, I became determined to use my skills. I looked for opportunities to offer out what I was good at. So I got used to doing the things that I liked and suited me. Then I made the changes in my life that made me feel more contented. Clearing out the clutter that reminded me of comparisons was a big help. I realised how much I had instead of how much I lacked. Because a focus on the material world things drives the idea of unfairness. I found like minded people to support me. Not to forget the support I have constantly had from my Guides. Most of all I found my voice. I became able to say what I was really feeling or thinking.
Then I realised something very special. My heart is content with not speaking out as much as it is with speaking out. My resentment has disappeared to a large degree. If I want to say something about the way I am being treated I will do so. Whether it’s fair or not. I am comfortable with giving compliments or with setting the record straight. But I am also able to feel whether it matters enough to me or the situation to speak at all. As it’s my choice of saying something or not how can I then feel resentful? I can’t. My voice and my heart work together to ensure that I’m not storing up bitterness or annoyance with others, my life or my situation.
I feel like I have reached a place of calm. I know I’m only too human. Resentment might pop up again. But I also know what to do to release that feeling quickly and easily. Because I love my abilities and I can speak for myself.
Day 536 of my blogging challenge