I had a wonderful adventure today. A trip to Cairn Holy to see the two cairns. And, of course, take time to soak up the energy of this Thin Place. It made perfect sense to find my way there after my reflections in the middle of the night. Because I realised I was actually going through retesting.
I view my life as a series of prototype me’s. I’m working to be the best possible me I can be. Often that involves moving through similar situations and events and deciding to do them differently. All based on what I’ve learned about myself so far. If I’ve noticed and if I’ve learned the lessons. So one test won’t do. I have to keep getting retested. Retesting, I will say, sometimes until it feels like to my destruction. But funnily enough that never quite happens. Every time I’m tested I seem to open up to finding a new way to decide or act. One that moves me forward to becoming more my authentic self.
Up at the cairns I thought about all of the testing and retesting the builders might have had to do so that these monuments served a specific purpose. The cairns are ladened with astronomical, mathematical and geomantic significance. All worked out thousands of years ago. Without the aid of computers. But full of symbolism for the people who used the cairns. I felt uplifted. My retesting is the same thing. Realigning and balancing me so that I respond more as a Spirit in a human body. So no wonder all sorts of things have been popping up. Questions about loyalty, trust and working with the best energy vibrations. Reminders that I need to keep my energy in a positive state,
What I’m happy with after my day trip is the recognition that, in spite of wobbles, I am much clearer about what I need to do. I’m also building up powerful evidence that I am changing how I handle my world. My voice is strong, my vision is clear and I am confident that I will succeed. The retesting will continue. I am ready for that. So will the emergence of the new me.
Some days it feels like I’ve come back to a while load of beginnings. Been around a full circle. Or three. Ended up where I started from with everything. And wondering why I bothered.
Because sometimes the new beginnings look very much like the old beginnings. I wonder if I’ve made any progress. Or learned anything new. Except, of course, about staring all over again. And keeping going. Yet when I take a few moments, or chat something out with someone, I can see that the new beginning is really with a new me. The things that has changed is me. Not the opportunity. Or the task. Not even the vision. But I can bring a different point of view. Or a new skill. Even a whole new way of imagining my dreams. What was there for me before no longer fits with the new me. So it has to begin again.
I can find it wearying, frustrating or upsetting to be back at the beginnings of my vision. Knowing I have to rebuild once more can feel like a mountain too big to climb. And all of the old fears and doubts get a chance to come back again. It’s hard for me to stay balanced and positive. I wobble about things like mad. I distrust my intuition once more. Because finding the energy to move in a forward dierection calls for me to be strong, positive and powerful. And there a days when I just don’t feel like that. Yet I have a deep belief in my mission, dream, vision. Whatever I want to call it I know I want to make it happen.
Thats when I have to turn these beginnings moments into inspirations. Reviewing my prototypes. Spotting the flaws. Redesigning my choices and decisions for a better outcome.
It’s at times like these that I try to take a step back. To see the ‘big picture’ in all of the fine detail. To remind myself that experiences are valuable. No matter what outcome has happened. I may be back to the drawing board but only to refine and improve what I’m going to do. Along with a step back I also forgive myself for the need to try again. If it didn’t go as I hoped then I remind myself that I tried something new. It’s bound to take me a few goes for things to fit together well. And I also remind myself that it’s ok to step away completely. If the new beginning is not actually for me then I can let it go. Find something else new. Put my energy into a different part of my dream.
Finally, I can acknowledge what has changed in me. I can recognise and honour the new me who is ready to start all over again. New beginnings give me a chance to praise the new me. Because I can do anything so long as I believe I can. Perhaps my last new start faltered because I stopped believing in myself. Not just that either. Perhaps I stopped believing in my dream. I gave up on everything and lost my way. Going back to the beginning I can get the focus I need to move forward doing the things in my life I am passionate about. Remembering that I have all of the skills, abilities and energies to make the new happen. The biggest change may be, after all, that I’m back at the beginning believing in myself much more than I have ever done before.