Harsh Judgements: My Inner World

I love mentoring. Bringing things into the light so they can be released. Today there was a theme. Harsh judgements. It made me think about how my judgements hold me back.

I know that I can be a bit harsh on myself. I also know we all can. In my life I’ve tried to follow the rules. All the ‘how to’s’ that fill my day. Yet those rules have caught me out very often. Because I am unpredictable. We all are. Without that little bit of unpredictability I feel we stop being human. I find it really funny that our machines, those engineering innovations of predictability and reliability, are also unpredictable. Because it seems that everything needs a bit of spontaneity. A random chance. Two atoms, cars or people colliding with unforeseen consequences. I know this generates variety in my life. So when I’m choosing what I do it seems a little harsh to try to judge the outcomes. Although I admit to trying very hard to second guess my life.

And that’s often the problem. In judging my choices I agonise over what I’ve done. Was it the right thing? Have I said something I shouldn’t? Where will it all end up? Then I store away the judgement I have made. I keep it in the shadow side of my inner world. I tell myself I’ve failed or done badly. Because I’ve kept the judgement it is always ready to surface at a moment’s notice. To remind me, in a new situation, that I was rubbish the last time I had to deal with something like this. Added to unpredictability it’s a cocktail for my disaster. So I hesitate. Or shout at myself. Using harsh words I tell myself to doubt myself. Eventually that judgement ends up paralysing me. My inner world can never be a calm, safe space. Because that judgement is waiting to surprise me again.

I’m working on loving my shadow side. Noticing how harsh I can be with myself I have renewed my promise to be gentler with myself. I’ve also decided it’s time to clear out those old judgements. I’m no longer the person who made those choices. It’s time for the new me to free the old me.

Day 662 of my blogging challenge 

Relax, Rest, Review: Time to Think

Rest is very important. It’s a point I make over and over when I’m mentoring. So today I’ve taken a rest day. And perhaps to give myself time to think.

Of course taking a holiday break gives me a chance to step back from my work. To move out of my life as it is and do something different. I also enjoy the time I get to reflect when I take a break. Because I can think about those things that are going right with my life. And what isn’t. Interesting these things often come up in the events of my holiday. Take noise for an example. I hadn’t realised how much I enjoy quiet time. At home and in my Centre I am very lucky to enjoy the absence of most noise whenever I want. Staying in a hostel full of noisy people has been a challenge. Rest has sometimes been hard to find.

The walls are very thin. The communal areas can get very busy. The doors bang continually in the morning as people get up, shower, have their breakfast and set off for the day. One or two late night parties have taken place overhead. When the silence descended today I breathed a sight of relief. I’ve had a couple of moments of praying for deafness. And of wondering if people are aware of being inconsiderate. I realise how precious silence has become to me. In the quiet I can tune into that inner voice of guidance. The Guides can draw closer. In this relaxed space we talk about all sorts of things.

I’ve also enjoyed a rest after all the walking. My body loves being active. Wind, rain or shine it doesn’t matter. Striding along gives me more time to think.

Ideas jump into my head. Wondering and wandering. Reviewing my life as a journey like my walking. The past couple of days I’ve enjoyed thinking about what my life would have been thousands of years ago. Probably lots more walking, of course, but still a journey from birth to death. Maybe a few more children than in this life. Probably grandchildren by now, if not great-grandchildren. Of course there might not have been much in the way of medical care so childbirth could have been a hazard. It reminded me that my body matters too.

After I watched the ferries arriving and departing this afternoon I sat down for a coffee. In a quiet cafe I sat with my Passion Planner to review last week. It’s something I do every Monday even if I’m on a rest day. I find the commitment to looking back over my week helps me shift any thoughts or feelings that I’ve got stuck with. It also clears my head for the week in front of me. The ferries got me thinking. When I am on a boat there is nothing to do but rest. Surrounded by all that water there is nowhere else to go. I am contained within the area of the boat. Like my life is contained in my diary most of the time.

I am contained by my passion for what I do. Yet I can also find those trips to other places that help me relax. As well as recharging my batteries taking time out refreshes my ideas and purpose for my life. Well deserved rest!

Day 602 of my blogging challenge 

Themes, Dreams and Patterns

After my day of resting yesterday today has been a day of themes. I’ve been mentoring people most of the day and noticing the similarities in the energies people are dealing with.

Of course I felt the big energy download on Sunday – my reason for resting yesterday – and the spike due to the full moon is only a day away. The mentoring couldn’t have come at a better time really. When there is a lot of positive energy flowing in it forces the stuck energy to the surface. I can help someone see more clearly what patterns are still operating within them. And how they might be sabotaging their own dreams. On alert for any similarities I wasn’t at all surprised to find several themes emerging.

Dreams was one of the themes I picked out too. I’ve had some vivid dreams. So had all of my mentees. The thread was all about what habits were still playing out. Or where had endings been inconclusive. I was able to stand back and highlight emotional or thought patterns for people. Because the dreams gave me clues. And also because in our work together we had teased out the patterns based on fear or insecurity. Discussing the content of the dreams along side the issues of the past few days helped everyone to look at their patterns much more clearly.

Human beings do things out of habit. It’s one of our themes. It helps me and you feel more secure in the world if our lives are generally predicatable. Yet often those habits become a trap.

I know I like to feel that there is a sort of order in my life. Chaos feels like a scary option. Yet I know that some of my patterns have finished serving me well. They have changed into self-imposed resitrictions instead. If I stay following them I will limit my personal and spiritual growth. That might mean I never fully achieve my dreams. I might even stop dreaming altogether. I would become stuck. That might not sound like a bad idea to my Ego mind which wants to keep me safe. But to my Spirit it’s something to be avoided.

Back to my mentees. The themes today were a reflection of their potential to become stuck in a pattern that has already become unfulfilling. And hidden in the dreams and patterns are the clues of what could change to prevent that. In fact for some of them they had already become unstuck. This current energy blast is a top up to keep their momentum for change going. This evening I also thought bout my patterns. It’s worth considering every now and then if I’m on track with my dreams. Or whether I’m sabotaging myself. Then I can adjust what I do to make sure I’m heading in the right direction.

Old habits die hard. It’s up to me to move into doing things differently. Each time I ask my mentees to review their progress I know I also have to review mine. That way we all learn and grow and change together.

Day 533 of my blogging challenge