It’s funny really. I have always had a streak of perfectionism. The desire to be good, better, best. To get it right every time. An inner competition with myself that I could never win.
That thought cropped up several times today. I know I was being asked to focus on what being good enough means. There is an underlying assumption that spiritually equals goodness. So if I’m living a spiritual life I have to be good. But by what standards? The religion I was brought up in? Where it meant being quiet, following the rules and always doing what others expected of me. Or the definition set down in our law? Telling the truth, not harming anyone and, once again, following the rules. Maybe I should be following the conventions about being female? I should be quiet, nurturing, accepting and doing the homemaking. So many standards to be perfect in.
Too many in fact. Being good when it equals being perfect is a lot of hard work. And I have to resolve conflicting rules rather too much. Over many years I’ve come to appreciate that being spiritual isn’t about applying yet another set of rules to myself. It’s actually about me going back to who I am and the way I want to be in the world. I can choose to value my kindness. Or my forcefulness. I can praise my problem solving ability. Or I can recognise how good I am at being a hearer. And a healer. But I don’t have to be these things perfectly in every moment. I can be good enough to the best of my ability. From moment to moment. I can value myself for what I can offer because it will be the best I can give at that time.
When I operate from ‘good enough’ I value myself more appropriately. I can give what I feel able to give. Not what I feel compelled to give because of some unattainable standard. Saints and holy people don’t exsist. But Good Enough people have changed the world for the better. Have you been good enough today? I know I have.
Day 626 of my blogging challenge
Over the last week I’ve been having deep dreams. Plenty of them. Tangled recollections of my past in this life. With elements thrown in that I don’t recognise. All seeming to take me back to other times.
Yet, at the same time, these dreams contain symbols of travel. Cars, trains, a large ship, even a bicycle. I recognise that I’m being reminded I’m on a journey. Though it seems, at this particular point, that in my outer life I feel a bit becalmed. Stalled in some way. Definitely waiting for something to happen. Perhaps feeling the weight of the World too much. Of course I’m plodding along in a way. I’m taking each day as it arrives and doing my best to do what I feel is right for that day. But the bigger picture is missing right now. My focus seems to have shifted to re-examining my past experiences.
So along come the dreams. Not necessarily bad dreams. Because they take me back doesn’t mean I’ve got problems with what has happened in my past. But I awake from each one with a slightly different understanding of what might have been happening back then. I see that I was given lots of choice. There were times when I decided things, for all the wrong reasons, that somehow turned out right. By linking back in the dreams I’m being reminded that somehow I have made progress. Each phase of my life has allowed me to travel a new path. By doing that I have learned so much about being human.
My dreams are also showing me the times when I felt overwhelmed by being in charge of my own destiny. Even the times when my dreams crashed and burned.
When I didn’t honour my needs, dreams and abilities. And when I resisted asking for, or receiving, help with my burdens. Even if they were the ones I had created for myself. Because I can always ask for help. Or take some time to work it out with the help of other people and Energy Beings. It is possible to lighten my load. If I can find a hearer, companions to share with or those who can sustain me. I can also, with loving kindness, hand back any burdens I have taken on that really belong to others.
My dreams belong to me. I can’t manifest any for someone else. When I go into these deep dreams I’m also being reminded that each of us has to follow their own path with their own purpose. So the people who pop up in my dream have to be allowed to move forward with their own dream. Shouldering their own burden. I can help by giving them loving kindness. But it will be up to them if they receive and use it to lighten their load. In the end we might find that we have do-created a shared dream. That would be a wonderful outcome. But I’m also being reminded it’s not the only option.
I am embracing these deep dreams. I am revisiting, once again, who I am and what I have to offer. Ready for that moment when the tide turns. And my ship sails again. I’m going to be navigating to a new place. A place of more dreams.
Day 615 of my blogging challenge
Sometimes I find myself so full up of words. They are crammed in my throat. I want to release them. That’s when I hope someone will listen.
I know that there have been times when what I wanted to say got stuck. The timing wasn’t right I told myself. What I wanted to say felt too harsh. Or judgemental. I was angry, hurt, upset, frightened. Even feeling that it might be wrong to say the words that rushed forward. Yet if I don’t speak those words what happens? I push them back. Suppress what I want to say. Until the moment when someone else might find those words being aimed at them. With a power that has gathered strength because I’ve worried over those words for some time.
I feel that we live in a world where what we can say has been strictly defined. There are the ‘right’ things to say. And most definitely the ‘wrong’ things. Even if I know what I want to speak is the truth I might hold it back because it’s something I’m not supposed to say. That’s when I find myself feeling really frustrated. Because some of the things I might want to say could be to someone who could be behaving badly towards me. Yet being polite beats being truthful. Also being nice instead of telling it like it is. So I’m left with a jumble of unsayable or unsaid words roaming around in my head. Taking up space. Affecting my energy. Always ready to pop out unexpectedly.
With all of these stuck words I require someone who is willing to listen to them. To let me spew them out into the air. Helping me mop them up and throw them away.
Someone who can listen and not judge. A ‘hearer’ instead of a healer. But who, by the act of listening, can help me to self-heal. That’s why I work as a counsellor and mentor. I know the value of being heard. And why I talk to my Guides when I am suffering from an overfullness of words. I am not expecting a two way conversation. Or looking for answers. Even sympathy. I am taking the opportunity to clear the words out of my system. So their energy is no longer stuck in me. And my energy is no longer stuck in the words. Because saying them out loud is a way of clearing. Lightening the thoughts in my mind. They no longer need to be stuck around those particular unspoken words.
Sometimes finding someone to listen – just listen – is a challenge. Occasionally even my Guides seem to have gone AWOL on me. Then I start to write. Pouring words out of my head onto the paper. Imagining that I have a hearer siting with me to observe my words. It’s really almost as good as having a person actively listening. It can get me by. Until there is a friendly person ready to listen to me. Of course there is a trade off involved. I am actively involved in being a hearer too. It’s important to return the kindness someone has shown me. By validating my right to speak they have helped me release the energy attached to all of those words. So it’s only fair that I take my turn as a listening ear too.
Someone will always turn up who is willing to listen. Because I am a willing listener. And what you give out you get back. Offer to be a hearer for someone’s words. Then you will always be able to speak your own words out into the world.
Day 610 of my blogging challenge