Drawing Back: Service In A Different Way

drawing of fox sistersFor a while I’ve been drawing back. Encountering endings with a tinge of sadness but a heart full of hope. It’s the year when I needed to make changes. Ready for a fresh start in a few weeks.

I’ve found myself drawing on all my reserves this year. As I head to the end, in this last couple of weeks, I’m noticing how weary I have become. Never weary of serving the Spirit and Energy people. But definitely weary of the way people demand that I give and give. Then turn round and demand that I give their way even more. Funnily enough, my Guides have never demanded anything of me. They asked me if I was willing to serve their higher purpose and, after a lot of thought, I said yes. Then they showed me where to go, what to do and who to connect with. Always with the respect that I could say no to anything they asked.

This evening my work in the Spiritualist churches and Centres was drawing to a close. I visited a lovely place in Sale to do my last public service. I know it will be some time before I return to public demonstrations of message mediumship. Because the Guides have asked me to work on the kinds of mediumship that offer evidence rather than messages. And I have agreed. With some relief. I have loved meeting people across the country in all sorts of Spiritualist groups. But I was, and may always be, a reluctant medium. Standing on a stage giving messages is something I’ve done as a service. Not because of a religion. A service to my Guides and the Spirit people who queue up to console their loved ones. And the people who have received comfort from what evidence and messages I can give them.

I won’t miss drawing back from those people who have seen this service as only to themselves. Who have let Ego blind them to the wonder of getting a message at all.

That really does happen. My messages are judged, and sometimes found wanting, by people who have never tried to communicate this way. The evidence I bring has been scrutinised, pulled to bits and rejected because a loved one didn’t say a particular word. Or, worst still, although my message has been correct it’s not what the person wanted to hear so they have dismissed it completely. What a waste. For all of us involved. I feel the worst of the worst though, is the expectation that I am there to entertain. Drawing on a common misconception, that it’s all a bit of fakery or foolery, some people expect to watch the people getting the messages. They want tears and laughter, often embarrassment or secrets revealed, all as long as it’s not them.

The Spiritualist Movement has missed a big opportunity. The chance to show what good and excellent mediumship can be. Out in the grass roots there are many honest, ethical mediums working day in and out to serve the Spirit World. Drawing on the best of these unsung heroes would go a long way to showing people what is at the heart of mediumship. The dedication, love and thoughtfulness with which each medium works to serve a loving purpose. Yet many places are driven by the Ego needs of individuals who are not mediums. Both in the management and attendance. I’ve talked before about educating sitters, the people who get the messages, drawing on all that knowledge contained in the Movement. But still we struggle to get people to understand what is happening.

Drawing back to serve in a different way is my answer. I know that my Guides want to educate people about connecting with the Energy Beings. Once it is better understood they hope that people will value the communication in a more reflective and considered way. Not as something to pass an hour on TV, in a theatre or in a Spiritualist venue. But as a genuine experience of comfort. And support for the notion that life does continue after physical death.

Day 748 of my blogging challenge

Revisiting Conversations

Sometime in a week a theme or topic seems to be ever present. Perhaps this week, because of the effect of Chiron and some Saturn energy, I’ve been paying attention to the conversations I’ve been having.

I’ve already written about that. Yet I found myself revisiting the conversations of earlier in the week when I was talking to more friends today. One of the strands of discussion was about the way in which we all go through wobbly moments. I noticed a lot of my friends have had wobbles, mainly on Tuesday and Wednesday, at the very time when the Light is returning to the world. I wobbled too. Although the energy of Imbolc, or Bridget’s Day, or Candlemas, is a positive uplift the week has been less Light inspiring than I expected. It’s as if we all got a blast of Light but got blinded by it at first.

Now that the week I’d drawing to a close I feel that I have had that Light helping me. I’ve been revisiting my view of myself. Looking at me as an I Am. seeking out any new changes or old stuckness. Probing into my inner world to identify what the wobble was all about. Because wobble said always bring things to the surface for me to pay attention to. It’s interesting how I cling to negative energy. Or perhaps it should be how negative energy wants to cling to me. Sometimes when you distance yourself from the sources of negativity it’s as if that energy flow tries to hook you back in.

I used to get hooked back in quite easily. Revisiting my experiences of the past eleven intuitive years I realised that I felt more comfortable in the negative zone.

Then I would search for the teacher who could pull me out of it. Sometimes not realising that the teacher was stuck too. Of course I was responding to the needs of my Ego. I stayed safe within the limits it set me. Even when my Spirit was prompting me that I was more than those particularmlimitations. Even in the face of my Guides pouring endless unconditional love over me. It was like I couldn’t love myself enough to believe in and trust myself. I didn’t really start to change until my Guides stopped sending me to teachers. Then I saw that co-dependency was a key factor of my comfort zone. I needed someone to validate my inner wisdom.

That’s actually quite a popular method of self-sabotage. When I revisited my search for teachers I realised that I had given my power to them. I had gone to learn with an attitude of ‘I’m not worthy’. So my lessons were hard. And I often refused to acknowledge my own wisdom of myself. I’m not alone in giving others ‘expert’.power. Our school systems tell us that our teachers know best, are like Gods and have all the power. So I went along trying to validate myself by getting teachers who might, one day, say I was some good. That I had wisdom and knowledge. In fact, that I was worthy.

In reality, I stayed stuck. I couldn’t embrace my unique combination of wisdom and experience. Or accept that it had any value to me or others.

It was only when I started to teach awareness of intuition and later energy connections that I finally let go of that inner judgement. Revisiting that time I know I had no external validation that what I was sharing was ‘right’. However I had Guides who encouraged me to continue sharing. They helped me to understand that my path was only my path. Yet if I told others about it they might be encouraged to find their path. And if I showed them what I had done they could experiment for themselves. I discovered that my best teacher about my inner world was me. It was then that I really began to embrace my own inner knowing.

Now I do what I feel prompted to do. I still read and listen to other people’s experiences. I notice the language they use to describe their experiences in case we are talking about the same things but in different words. If I find something that seems to resonate with me I will try it. Best of all, I pay attention to the conversations I have with my Guides. If I’m stuck I know they will help me revisit what I don’t yet see clearly. I enjoy being self taught. Because I’m the expert in me. And I’m the only one who can translate my experiences into meaning for me. I still love to teach by sharing my experiences.

Best of all I love it when the people I am sharing with can find their own self belief, wisdom and knowledge by connecting first with their intuition and then with their Guides. Believe in yourself. You are wiser than you know.

Day 438 of my blogging challenge.

Random Conversations

A lot of my time is spent in conversations. I’m chatting to the Spirit World, often on behalf of others, or discussing life, the Universe and everything with people who call by. A lot of my conversations wander off in all sorts of direction. Yet they always make me consider spirituality.

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to work out what spirituality means. And how to live it. I’ve had long conversations about religious beliefs, about morals and ethics with deeply thoughtful people. We’ve argued examples back and forth. I’ve read and read and read. Yet it still boils down to something I’ve written about before. I am a spark of Divine Spirit in a human body. That’s my belief. No one else is obliged to agree with me. I have a consciousness that exsists whether I am in a body or not. That’s my understanding because I communicate with other conscious beings who have no apparent physical presence.

That lead me, in the conversations today, to think about that part of our human nature that we call the Ego. Because there is a lot of talk about this particular psychological construct. And often the Ego takes the blame, so to speak, for a wide range of behaviours. I find it really interesting to consider how much the Ego, or as it translates the I Am, seems to be in control of all our thoughts and actions. Yet some people say they reject their Ego. Or have too little Ego. Others point the finger and say there is too much Ego around. Or that a person is all Ego. What do they mean? And can I have an abundance of or a lack of Ego in my life?

Tracking down an answer I thought back to my psychology and counselling training. As a student I discussed theories of personality as I wanted to understand what made us tick.

The modern use of Ego can be traced back to the work of Sigmund Freud. He was a man who very much wanted to understand what made us tick. He described a model of the psyche in which the id is the primitive and instinctual part of the mind that contains sexual and aggressive drives and hidden memories, the super-ego operates as a moral conscience; and the ego is the realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the super-ego. So my Ego is the referee between the ‘savage’ part of me and the ethical part. My Ego guides my actions by balancing my basic drives against my need to conform. So I will hopefully make the best choices.

Yet I feel we have taken the Ego much further than perhaps the explanatory model that Freud proposed. The Ego has become a living thing, no pun intended. Because we judge ourselves by how much or little Ego we think our actions represent. And that judgement also gets applied to the actions of others. I guess it’s quite handy to describe someone’s behaviour as being driven by Ego. That means I don’t have to have any conversations that make me uncomfortable. I can put behaviour I don’t like down to Ego being in charge. And carry on exactly as I like. Yet there is another thing to consider. What about this thing we call being spiritual?

I’ve noticed that being spiritual tends to mean giving, giving, giving but never to oneself. The moment I give to myself I may face a chorus of Ego judgements. It’s an interesting sort of double standard.

And it’s really important to unravel this because if I’m trying to live a positive, loving and caring life I need to know how Ego and Spirit interact. There must be a balancing point. I must be able to expect to receive as well as to give. Though that’s not what some religions would have you believe. Of course I’ve had long conversations with my Guides about this. I want to make the most of this life in case I still have to come back and be human again. Taking the best possible actions for the greatest good of all includes my greater good too. And often I know that I am too close to the action to see or understand all of the consequences of what I do.

So I’ve settled on understanding Ego and Spirit in this way. I believe the Ego is a useful survival mechanism. It has evolved to enable us to assess risks and navigate threats. My Ego keeps me safe. It likes me to follow patterns and habits. As far as the Ego is concerned I don’t have to be happy I just have to exist. When change happens my Ego rushes to get me settled back in old patterns as soon as possible. The Ego can survive me being miserable until I want to step out of life. Then it will welcome change. But the Ego will never drive change. Because it is, in itself, a fearful aspect of my human personality.

When I consider the Spirit within me I find a very different energy. I find the source of my hope, my willingness to evolve and an endless unconditional love.

My Spirit is the part of me that connects with a wider Universe, Divine or Source of energy. I experience my Spirit as a force for good in the world. That part which recognises that I am connected to everyone and everything. I share an understanding from my Spirit that to hurt others is to hurt myself. And the reverse, that to love others is to love myself. So my Spirit encourages my freedom to choose. I can embrace the love or the hurt. That is my decision. And my Spirit shows me where my Ego is actually restricting my growth. Or stopping me being in the full flow of unconditional love. My Spirit is the part that lives completely without fear. It rejects the restrictions the Ego is trying to impose.

The conversations between my Ego and my Spirit must be fascinating. The one advocating that fear will keep me safe and the other reminding that love will set me free. It’s taken me a lifetime to learn to love myself. To really set myself free. Most of the time. Because the Ego won’t give up. It wants me back in the box it built for me. My Ego wants to press that self-sabotage button and drag me kicking and screaming back into fear. But I won’t go. Not this time. I have experienced the power of my Spirit. I have seen my Higher Self in her true glory. So I’m determined to honour my highest nature by living as a Spirit first in a human body. The Ego will have to ride along in back. Despite the whispers of the Ego I am a survivor not a victim.

Day 437 of my blogging challenge.

Milestones: Staying Loyal

imageIt’s certainly been an interesting week! So much new info has come in from my Guides. I’m finally a lot clearer about the actions I have to take to deliver on my spiritual goals. They have been helping me to notice the milestones in my progress so far. Then signposting new milestones, lol.

They have also been highlighting one of the most important aspects of any action. Loyalty is required to achieve anything in life. Loyalty to yourself, to others and to your purpose. Loyalty that will be tested at every turn. Noticing the milestones helps me to check if I am being loyal in my thoughts, feelings and actions. Because I know what an ego trap these different strands of loyalty can create if not considered carefully enough. Only seven months ago I went through a big test in loyalty which ended with me stepping away from a person and situations that person created. It was the right decision. It was also a milestone in learning to put my needs first. I also learned that I could survive disloyalty and do things all by myself if I needed to.

The Universe never stops testing us. Looking at my milestones I know that I can fall back into old habits far to easily. I have always struggled to accept that the world is not full of fair minded, loving, peaceful people. I have tended to trust first and ask questions second. This week I feel that I have passed several milestones. And I won’t be back to old habits either.

I know that trust has to be earned. So I set tests for myself and others. Challenges to see if I am really doing what I say I will. Am I authentic? Do I present the ‘real’ me to the world. To do so means I have to love and trust that me. Even when others don’t. If I trust myself then I can also be loyal to myself. I can express my feelings, make my decisions and move my life on. Then I also look to see if the people around me are authentic. Am I seeing in their actions the true nature of the person? Do their actions lead me to trust them?  Not the words they speak. Words are easy. I have learned the very hard way that not every word spoken is trustworthy. Including my own words.

That’s where the ego traps lie. In a distorted loyalty and breach of trust. Leading to actions that suit the ego purpose above the spiritual purpose. In my past I have been loyal to myself, to causes and to people based on a false understanding of the nature of loyalty. Many Lightworkers are drawn into declaring loyalty to someone or something because of emotional manipulation, faulty logic and a misunderstanding of energy exchanges. We all hope that we can find a way to be of help – the drive to altruism. Yet we often forget to help ourselves or stay loyal to our truth. I understand this need for a compassionate purpose. For milestones showing my achievements. Progress. Evolution.

So how do I progress? Step by step is the first answer. Slowly is the second. Staying focused on trusting myself to do what I feel is the right thing. Noticing my ego moments, how they arise and when.

I also have to be aware of other people’s ego moments. Asking myself if there is trust and loyalty if those ego moments keep happening. Going back to my Guides for support in how to deal with a lack of authenticity in others. Check out what test I’m being set. Considering where I’m not being authentic with myself or others. There is a lovely poem by Marianne Williamson that also helps me remember to stay aware of my progress. It reminds me to keep shining my Light so that others caught in tangled webs can be encouraged to break free of the ego mind too.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

The answer to my challenges is to trust in my ability, stay loyal to my purpose and weed out the ego voice that tries to tempt me to ignore the prompting of my own intuition.

That means I have to be prepared to remove from my life those people and situations where there is absence of trust or loyalty. Half measures won’t do. My energy vibration is too precious to me to let it be distorted by the games ego plays. Being spiritual isn’t about me ignoring the ego actions of others. Or of me letting it pass time after time. I know this might seem harsh. However, if I am to help the people I’m here to help I can’t clutter up my energy until I’m unable to shine my unique Light.

I feel I have passed another milestone. I’m not here to p,ease myself or other people. My purpose in being here is to be exactly who I am. Love me or hate me, its not important. I will help whoever and wherever I am sent on my spiritual journey. That is what I intend to trust and stay loyal to. How about you?

Day 250 of my blogging challenge.

Check your ego at the door!

imageOne of the interesting themes this past few days has been about ego. That ‘thing’ we say is too much, too little or not there at all. Something we say that can lead to arrogance, deference, traps and pitfalls. The ego mind is a powerful justification for all sorts of things.

It got me wondering. I’ve written about ego before when discussing spirituality. There is certainly an aspect of my mind that draws my attention to all sorts of shoulds, musts, oughts and duty. This part of me is also busy alerting me to judgements I or others make about me. It feeds my fears if I let it. It feeds my admiration of myself if I let it. This ego mind shows me the world through a sharp lense. Not necessarily the world as it is but the world that my ego mind wishes me to see.

I find that a bit of a problem. My ego is busy trying to nudge me in directions it might not be wise for me to go. Then my ego mind can justify itself to me. My aim is to be my authentic self. I am loving, annoying, cheerful, talented, protective, loyal, straight talking, sensitive and so much more. I’m a mix of all sorts of human emotions. Sometimes I’m angry, sad, depressed, unhappy. Other times I’m upbeat, positive, joyful, excited.  What’s wrong with that?

Ego power can shift all of those emotions in the blink of an eye. The thoughts the emotions generate can be turned upside down and inside out in seconds.

I believe that ego developed to keep us safe. In a time when there were immediate challenges to staying alive. When we had dropped out of connection with our intuitive senses. My ego serves a purpose in keeping me alive, fed and sheltered. However, it has become my controller more than my survival mechanism. Today I live in a relatively safe world. The threats I perceive are not usually life-threatening. My ego is a bit lost.

So my mind creates challenges and threats to keep me ready for fight or flight. After all, life is uncertain. Who knows when a rhinoceros might charge down the street at me. My ego wants me to be ready. Now I identify others as competition for ‘scarce’ resources. Or I have to have the same material things as others to remain a part of the tribe and therefore safe. I rush around grabbing this technique or that qualification so I can have an edge in my ability to attract people to give me their ‘scarce’ resource – money. If I can’t grab enough I tell myself I’m no good and the stress of surviving gets worse.

When I fall into the control of ego I have trapped myself in a confusion of impulses, thoughts and feelings. I have drifted away from my true core.

One of the ways I remind myself about ego traps is to stand back a little from my thoughts and feelings. I know that isn’t always easy. Some moments are too overwhelming still for me to grab a time out. However I practice taking a pause before I react as much as I can. I want to check my reaction before I respond. Since the ego is very good at what it does the ways it works can be really subtle. Is there a trap waiting to spring on me?

One key way of checking is to enter a conversation, an experience, an interaction knowing what your ego is up to at that moment. Am I feeling anxious, thinking everyone will know more than me? Do I feel that person is looking better than me? Is everyone talking about me? Does that person mean to tell me off about something? Are all the others in the secret but I’m not? Why haven’t I been included? Why are they getting more customers than me? Why does everyone else have more money than me?

All of these questions lead to ego traps because my mind is creating fear and judgement within my head. The temptation is to respond with aggression or defensiveness before anything has even happened.

That’s when the inappropriate language and behaviour starts. Once started egos go into battle and it’s very hard to find enough common ground for a truce. Fear multiplies fear. A long time ago I noticed that a reoccurring theme in my life was the influence my ego exerted. It’s useful. I need it. But I have to be in charge not it. As well as giving myself thinking time I also pay close attention to what I say. Of course I pay the same attention to what others are saying. Language is a slippery thing. I know I can drift into ego language easily. Saying I’m the best ever is not the same as saying my best skill is….

I often hear people say I’m not in it for the money or I’m not doing it to compete. Then they talk about money in terms that show they feel a lack. If I feel lack I know my ego will try get me competing again for scarce resources. So of course my language will shift to subtle and not so subtle ways of saying I’m the best there is. Or to trying to pursued people to pick me, pick me. Finding a way through this minefield takes effort. I use mindfulness to stay as much in the present moment as I can. I react in the way I choose to, not the way my ego wants.

Genuine emotion wins every time. Being real about what I feel, taking responsibility for what I say and being prepared to acknowledge when I might have chosen an inappropriate response takes over from ego with practice.

I can balance my need for authenticity with compassion for myself when it doesn’t quite work out that way. My ego is also getting quieter. It’s reserving itself more and more for genuine threats. Not that I’m expecting a rhino to turn up in the middle of Hebden Bridge but there are cars that look pretty much like rhinos. When I write, post on social media, work with others or deal with events in my life the fear of survival is much less. I have reclaimed my personal power. I understand the world is uncertain but I feel much less uncertain about myself. I’m finding a new voice speaking louder and louder. My voice. My choice.

Day 229 of my blogging challenge. 

Intuitive Mind

imageYesterday after my blog I posted a picture I had made about stepping away from the ego mind so we could blossom. One of the conments I got on Facebook was the question ‘what other kind of mind is there?’. It’s an interesting question. We use the term ego to describe the focused, driving force of our mind. Of course there is no such physical part of the brain. The term ego is a construct, a model, described first by Sigmund Freud, to help us understand the workings of the mind. Freud had a model of the mind which is organised into three parts: the Id, the Ego and the Super Ego. The ID is the place of our basic drives – survival, food, sex, shelter, the Super Ego is the moral part of our thinking   or conscience and the Ego is the rational part trying to achieve balance between the other two parts. I feel that there is another part of our mind. The intuitive aspect which connects us to the energy flow that is all around us.

One of the things I know we can do is to tune into that intuitive information. It’s how I am able to ‘read’ psychic information about people and connect to Energy Beings. We all have this intuitive way of knowing and processing so it can be used any time we step away from the rational, logical ego mind. For me the connection to the intuitive information also means that I can pay attention to the Spirit energy that is within me. Philosophers have long debated what makes this clay overcoat a personality. Science has driven research down to individual cells to try to explain how electrical and chemical impulses build up into a personality, a concious being, aware and alive. We have many scientists trying to build artificial intelligence (robots, computers, even smart phones that respond to our questions) in order to understand what it is that disappears when we die. What spark stops when the body finally decays?

It’s a fascinating question. Perhaps it’s where we should be directing our attention if we want to understand how we might look at the world in a completely fresh way. The exploration of the intuitive mind has been going on but there is much less publicity given to the research or results. Often it seems that the idea of an intuitive or Spirit component to our mind or being is only discussed in religious terms. Stepping away from the different religious belief systems is important because I believe we can experience the intuitive mind for ourselves no matter what view we take about any Divine Being. If we start to acknowledge the intuitive info we are already getting we open up to noticing it more. As we do so there is finally a space for the ‘still, small voice’ of our Spirit to speak. This is the part that encourages us to connect to one another, to recognise the community of the whole human race and to work from a higher, altruistic, perspective. Of course the Ego mind will try to get in the way. It doesn’t like to be of service if that is going to put us at risk.

I have always believed that we are here for a reason. As I’ve learned to recognise my intuitive mind and to follow it’s prompts I am sure I have been of more service to others than I might have been if I stayed safe inside my ego mind. I hope you can also live life positively from your intuitive mind. It really is the only way to change and change the world.

Day 170 of my blogging challenge.