I’ve been thinking a lot today about the last five years. I suppose I’ve been measuring the effectiveness of what I’ve spent my time doing. Looking through the memories to see what pings as something I’m happy to recall.
When I’m mentoring one of the things I like to do is make sure we can measure the progress someone is making. Because I know progress is something hard to see when I am in the middle of changes. So too for the mentees. If fact, it’s so easy to think or feel like you haven’t moved on at all. So closing the Centre, disposing of the material things associated with it, got me measuring what I had achieved. I started thinking about all the experiences I had whilst running it. And how I might decide if those experiences were worth it in some way. Then I found that I got focused on the things that hadn’t worked. Or been less than positive. Even disastrous. As if my Ego Mind wanted to present me with all the things that went wrong.
How interesting that I fell into that trap. I feel it’s one we all find hard to avoid. My mind seemed to have forgotten all the good stuff. All the thank you’s and well done’s that came my way. The success stories as people found a way out of the confusion in their lives. Measuring my life for the last five years by these standards makes for a a much better sense of progress than the things that didn’t work. I wondered if it was my tiny little streak of perfectionism jumping in again. I’ve reduced it’s influence quite a lot over the last five years. But perhaps I have more work to do on it. I suppose it could be my little desire to please others – rather than myself – making me feel a lack of progress. I’ve been working on that quality too. The last five years I’ve come a long way in knowing I have to please myself first. It could, of course, be the way I tend to let the judgements of others make me feel I haven’t done enough. Yet that tendency has almost disappeared too.
After I thought about it for a while I realised that a lot of things have changed for me. Measuring my progress means embracing that I do things my way much more. I trust my intuition to guide me and I stay in the flow of energy. Because I know that things will work well when I do. There is so much good stuff to remember. But most of all I can remember that I tried my best, did what I could and grew so much by having the Down 2 Earth Heart Centre.
It’s time for reflection! Mercury is going retrograde again until 22nd December so expect any unfinished business to pop up again and again until you finish it.
There are times when I groan about Mercury going retrograde. I feel that communication is hard enough without adding in that subtle influence that makes me look again at everything I’ve said and done since the last time Mercury turned the other way round. The planet appears to be going backwards in the sky and that pushes me into going backwards too. Not something I want when I’m trying to stay focused on moving forward. And spending time in reflection can feel like a wasteful way to spend my time. After all I know better than I did then. So why do I have to look at everything again. Oh that wonderful Ego Mind. Keen to keep me in ignorance of the things within me that are actually holding me back.
After all, on reflection, I might decide that it’s ok to step further out of my comfort zone when I realise I’m not dreaming big enough. Something that terrifies my Ego Mind. It doesn’t want to loose control of keeping me safe. So perhaps I can welcome Mercury’s trip backwards. Because it can help me to understand where I am limiting myself. After all, I might find that I want to refocus on where I’m headed. Or how I’m going to travel my path. I might even decide to leap much further and more boldly ahead that before. So I appreciate the benefit of the next few weeks. I will do my best to work through the issues that arise. Knowing that I am being given an opportunity to start afresh. And with renewed energy and commitment.
Reflection is a positive asset. I know that when I pay attention to the unfinished, loose ends of my life I will learn something new once again. During this retrograde period I am going to be kind to myself, allowing the thinking through, so that I can renew my commitment to being the best possible me I can be. Is it time to find a quiet place and engage in your own reflection?
I know I’m always talking about trust. Trust me, trust them, trust it will be ok, trust the Universe. But it’s actually quite hard to master relying on myself, others, the Universe and to know it will be ok.
Yet it’s so important for me in the work I do. I have to trust my Guides and the Energy Beings to give me what I need to communicate to others. They have to work with me so that a positive, evidential message or communication comes out of my mouth. Certainly not an easy thing in the beginning because my Ego Mind worked very hard to build mistrust instead. In fact my Ego Mind seems to take every opportunity to get me mistrustful. It’s as if i’m Always looking for the catch. Of course I understand that life is unpredictable, risky and uneven. I have had my roller coaster rides plenty of times. But my Ego Mind makes a big show of pointing all that out at exactly the moment when I need to trust the most.
For a long time in my mediumship developement I remained mistrustful. Not only because of my Ego Mind but also because of the general level of distrust most people have towards Energy Beings. In the end I decided that I had to trust the experiences I was having. It made me realise that until you have tried to connect for yourself you are unlikely to get over the mistrust. Even if you are a believer. Because somewhere lurking in the back of my head is the Ego ready to bring up that feeling of mistrust again. Like an old, worn record playing again and again. Every time I gain trust in something a new reason to mistrust something else crops up. Some days I wonder if I will ever master complete, utter and unconditional trust. That’s what I am aiming for. Being able to let myself respond easily and openly to the energy flowing all around me.
I know that if I trust this Universal flow of energy everything will be ok. All that I require and desire will find it’s way to me at the moment I actually need it. I guess that little bit of mistrust is still there to give me something to aim for!
Yesterday’s theme continues. I’m running late with a couple of things. And struggling with a press release I have to write. It’s certainly not like me to be stuck for words!
I’m getting used to flying through a piece of writing. Letting my words flow out and then organising afterwords. After all, at the moment I’m writing at least two pieces a day. Plus the social media posts, answering questions by email and message and bits towards my new book. Who would have thought a press release could cause so much anxiety, frustration and doubt? It’s not as if I haven’t written any for myself before. In the last eleven years I’ve done plenty. But like my Amazon Authors Page and my lulu Author Spotlight page doing a piece to send off for publicity has me running for cover. So, of course, I’ve left it almost to the last minute.
I’ve had many debates with myself about writing a press release. Is it my Ego Mind playing with me and generating false modesty? Am I still ruled by that childhood instruction not to be big headed? Is there a little corner of me still saying I’m not worthy of being talked about in a positive way? Have I discovered a part of me that thinks saying what I’m good at is boasting? I suspect it’s a combination of all of these added in with that bit of me that has always been shy. Most people who know me now wouldn’t think I was shy. I learned quickly to ‘fake it ’till I make it’ so that I can be outgoing. But when my Guides asked me to stand up in public and give messages I refused for quite a while.
Until I was able to encourage the shy me to step back so the talkative me could take over. Then I could press on with working for the Spirit World. She has stayed in the background pretty much.
Yet I feel she’s raising all sorts of objections again right now. I have to take another step out of my comfort zone and she’s worried. Worried that the wider world might not like what I offer. I keep telling her that I’m past caring about what people think. But she still does. She cares that people will judge her and find fault. That people will press criticism on her so much that she will be in bits. I know that there is a person like this in most of us. It’s the bit that didn’t get quite enough loving, positive approval for being who I am. The girl who could paint but was told not to bother. The woman who wanted to write but only wrote factual, dull reports.
No wonder a press release, talking about what I’m doing with my writing, is a challenge. I’m going to have to dig very deep to get past this. But I will. Because I love that shy, reserved girl who practised her singing and wanted to be in a band. Yet was too afraid to chase that dream. I love that she puts in an appearance when I’m about to take a leap forward. And I love her persistence. Even though she lost some of her dreams she’s determined not to be forgotten. I know she has courage. She regularly comes up against the domineering me who wants to take on the world and win because she’s always right. Shy me always calms domineering me down. Shy me keeps me grounded.
I guess the press release will get written. In the end I have to learn to talk about myself and my abilities. It’s a delicate balancing act but worth it in the end. Because what matters is the book. It’s arrived through Spirit intervention. They have helped me press on. And what ever is said next, I know I have acknowledged my love of words.
As the dust of the last twelve months settles I can finally see some of the big picture emerging. Enough to encourage me that I’m on the right track. So I am ready to make more decisions.
I’ve understood for a big part of this year that I had to be ready to travel light. In other words the glimpses of the big picture always seemed to be about me making sure my aura energy was clear. I’ve worked hard to lighten my energy load. Letting go of the past has been quite a journey. But I also understood that at some point I would have to let go of material things too. That process started and stopped, then started again, as my Ego Mind clung on to the ‘reality’ of this world. The reality represented by my possessions. I guess I was scared that if I stopped having so many things I would be judged as less worthy somehow.
But that was me in my Ego Mind. Pressing me to stay in the box of my own creating. Because the box stops me from seeing the big picture. More importantly it stops me taking the action to move myself forward to new things. And life is really all about moving forward. I’ve had to keep focused on the snippets of the bigger picture. Trusting that there was a lot more to see. And seeking out the guidance and support to help me recognise or focus on what else is there. Now I feel the shift in energy I’m also aware that the dream I sense is becoming more visible to me. Last night I wrote about the Full Moon energy and sending out my wishes for the future. Right about now is the time. And I have a lovely list to release.
The picture I want to create for my life is full of amazing experiences. New possessions will replace the ones I have let go. And I can see that all is well in my Intuitive World.
That doesn’t mean I have that big picture yet. Just like my paintings the image has yet to be completed. I am using what I can see to guide me forward. Putting my trust in the flow of Universal energy. And I am also sending my belongings to new homes. To people who are ready to use the books, crystals and paintings I have loved. These things have served me and are ready to serve the next person who ‘owns’ them. Because that is the reality of energy. It should flow out and back between all of us. As it does so, I create the space for those new experiences.
After I sorted out all of my books today, did I mention that I felt inspired to by the lift in energy, I looked at them. There was a large pile of books ready to move on. I noticed that I had been very clear what to keep, a not too overlarge pile, and what was going. In the releasing pile were some books I would have found it hard to let go of even six weeks ago. But I know they need to be gone. Their wisdom is stored away inside my head. I have embraced all they had to share with me. The much smaller pile on the other side of the room may shrink too. As I recognise the big picture more the information the books contain may turn out to be redundant.
That’s the beauty of getting to see the big picture. I know the items I need for the next part of my journey. And I am able to lighten my load some more. Until I’m down to the essentials and stepping lightly along my road!
I was tired last night. Looking forward to a good sleep. Yet I woke up four times from emotional dreams. Though each time I felt I was letting something go.
Dreams are fascinating. They are a way of my mind processing the events I have experienced. They are also messages from my unconscious mind to help me make sense of what is going on in and around me. I also find that my Guides appear fairly often in my dreams. And sometimes I have to be very firm in telling them to let me sleep. Because sleep is an altered state of consciousness at one end of a spectrum that starts with consciously experiencing my world. My trance mediumship is somewhere in the middle. And when the energy waves are very strong my dreams also respond just as my waking mind does. So my dreams can be a rollercoaster. No wonder I woke up!
On each waking I was in a hurry to get back to sleep. I wanted to drift off into that space where my Ego mind was shut down. Because I enjoy a lot of my dreams. They bring me messages of encouragement and love when my Guides are around. Each time I was hoping for a good dream. Yet each time it seemed I wandered into turbulent emotions. Though each time when I surfaced from my sleep I couldn’t remember what I’d been dreaming about. All that kept coming into my mind was ‘let it go’. When I finally woke up properly this morning I asked myself what had gone. Then burst out laughing. Because it doesn’t matter what has shifted. So long as I am getting lighter and brighter I don’t need to know how it’s happening.
I love my sleep. Tonight I’m hoping for a dream free night though. Unless, of course, my Guides want to pop in and have a chat. If it’s time for you to let go of old emotions I wish you sweet dreams. And the support of your Guide Team too.
I don’t know where I went in my dreams last night. But the darkness certainly felt like it was pressing in. I was restless. Keen to get out of the dreams.
Searching for my freedom from something I remember waking up trying to recall a word. I know I said it in my dreams. It seemed to connect them all together. And it also seemed to be the key to setting me free. Free from what I wondered? From my fears came bouncing back at me. Along with another thought. Voiced by someone else. Karma is when you recieve the pain you caused others. Then have to feel it. As well as live it. It took me a little while to get back into balance. Looking back at my life I know there are threads that tie together. Waiting in the darkness of my shadow side are patterns and habits that drive me even when I think I’m making rational choices.
I thought about the delight I felt yesterday when I made my book ‘live’ to be purchased next week. The first copy is winging it’s way to me already. Yet, following the feel of my dreams last night, today has been one of potential setbacks. One stride forward three thousand steps back. But I also realise that the darkness in me is trying it’s best to swamp me. After all, if I do make big changes in my life my Ego Mind has nothing to frighten me with. It won’t be able to keep me small. Does that mean that I will play out endless karma? How can I release myself from what I have created? That’s the reminder I was being given. It’s time to challenge myself to embrace that darkness and show it some light.
Yet I feel I have been doing that for a year. The darkness has been in and around me pulling me back every time the light has pulled me forward.
I know that the resistance from the Ego Mind is at it’s highest at the tipping point when change is only a fraction of a step away. Then there’s the fact that I am catching the energy of the second big wave meant to shift us all forward. September has been heavy with unpredictable energy. Surfacing, clearing and surfacing the fears for me once more. This shift, at it’s peak tomorrow, is all about letting us know that everything that can happen happens somewhere. What that means is that the energy between the parallel worlds is very thin. We get a glimpse down the trouser legs of time, as Terry Pratchett would have put it. I have been experiencing, through my dreams, the me who made different choices.
The exchange of energy has shown me who I would have been, and who I am, in another life. Also who I am with and what I am doing in that series of lives. Because I’m picking up more than one life. So it’s easy for me to get lost or confused about what is actually happening in this life. I know it’s a hard thing to process. I spent a lot of the morning trying to check which life I was in whilst my Ego Mind kicked up a load of fear energy. The point of recognising parallel lives helps me to let go of those fears though. Somewhere, in some life, I am doing all of the things I dream about doing in this life. There are infinite possibilities. So I’m also lucky that I like the way my life is now. And where it’s going. That way the darkness doesn’t suck me into a fear state.
Once this current ‘thin-ness’ between the dimensions passes it will be up to me how much darkness I keep in my life. My dreams also showed me that I can be free. The key to being free is being me. The one driving the choices in this life from my Spirit self, not my Ego Mind. The missing word is authentic. Puzzle solved!
The sun shone. I had my paints out. In the warmth of the morning I tuned in to create more vibrational artwork. It’s a lovely way to open up to intuition.
I’ve been really fortunate with my Guides. They have helped me to explore lots of different ways to open up and use my psychic senses. I’ve learned that guidance can come in many different ways. And I’ve also learned that there are boundaries to be pushed within me so I can channel vibrational energy in differnt ways. That’s what I love about painting and drawing. It’s a completely different way to share a message from Ener Beings. Although when they drifted the idea across my mind the first few times I was really doubtful. I thought psychic art was all about the faces of loved ones in Spirit. But my Guides knew different.
I was put on the spot to draw the energy flowing through a group where messages were being given. I picked up the chalks reluctantly. Then I watched myself draw a pattern of colours that made perfect sense. To me and to everyone else. And I heard someone confirm that they had seen the same thing clarevoyantly. It was mind blowing. But it took me another year or so to get into painting. Yet when I did I found myself feeling the presence of other Beings. In fact a whole queue of Beings. All ready to share their vibrational energy with me so it could be transferred to the canvas or paper. Letting myself respond to the requests to paint I noticed that many pieces had faces hidden in them. And that the colours refelcted the personalities of the painters.
I also found that working in a range of vibrational energies made my intuitive connections stronger. After a short time I was able to sense better, get message information clearer and stay in the link for longer.
My clarevoyance also improved. It’s the weakest of my psychic senses but working with my creative, visual ability certainly helped it to expand. Now I encourage people to get into art in any way they can. I know it will help them work their intuitive psychic senses. It’s also fun. That’s the positive vibe that Energy Beings like as it makes connecting easier. The best way to start is to grab some coloured pencils and paper. Then play. I like to pick up whatever pencil I’m drawn to, put it on the paper and start to doodle. Keeping my mind as unfocused as possible I invite my Guides to make a connection for me. Because I want to draw on their behalf. So my thoughts need to stay out of the way.
I know that my Ego mind will want to direct me. Trying to make something recognisable. But I always remind myself that Energy Beings see our world in a different way. And what interests me is their viewpoint. Over the years I’ve become much better at occupying my mind and ignoring what my hands are doing. Because sometimes I work with my non dominant dominant hand. So it’s a lovely surprise to see what has been captured on the paper. From paper and pencils I moved into using encaustic wax, acrylic paint, watercolour Andy pastels. Certain communicators like paint, some want watercolour, or charcoal or whatever. I go with whatever I’m prompted to use. The vibrational energy is transferred whatever I create.
If you have been searching for a way to practice your intuitive psychic abilities vibrational art is a great thing to try. I know I had to stick with it past all of my inner critic’s comments. If you do I am sure you will discover a whole new way of connecting.
Today has felt hampered by all of the Eclipse and Mercury retrograde energy. Yet underneath I have been feeling a pressure. Something reminding me that dream do happen.
My internet and mobile phone connections continue to play up. Letters I’m waiting for haven’t arrived. I felt like energy was draining out of me. All that stuck stuff I’ve been carrying finally disappearing. But it left me feeling tired. Because it takes energy sometimes to move energy. The final piece of frustration was trying to complete the upload of my book so it could be printed. Nothing was going anywhere. Certainly not the cover art or the file I’d formatted. I noticed I was starting to feel a pressure to get something, anything completed. But it ended up that I didn’t.
Instead I walked away from my desk and took a break. Yesterday was busy and lots happened. Then overnight, as well as dreaming I was in New York, I had some contacts with Energy Beings. They kept moving things around and wanting to channel information. In my barely aware state I let them get on with some of it but after about an hour I told them to come back later. I know they are helping me manifest all of the things I’ve asked for so I’m willing to give them space to work. But there are limits! No wonder today I felt a bit spaced and distracted. As well as low in energy. However, I also feel the excitement of new beginnings. A pressure on me to be ready, get clear minded and able to set off at a moment’s notice. I’ve no idea of when, where or how.
So what about those dreams? Have I built from a solid foundation? Have I asked for everything in the best possible way?
This afternoon, to take the pressure off, I sat down and listed out my requirements and desires. All of the things I want to have in my life. Even those things I don’t know about yet. Yes, I’ve put a sentence to allow me to receive all that is best for me even when I don’t know what it is. I believe in covering everything. Because I know I don’t know everything. My list is as complete as I can make it. I’ve asked my heart what I desire and pretty much left my head out of the debate. There is no time to let my Ego mind throw up lots of objections or distract me. I don’t want to have my abundance derailed by fearful thoughts. It’s important that I stay focused on recieveing all of the good things into my life.
After I had written my list I felt a lot better. The pressure had eased. I know the push that is coming will be really helpful to my life. But I also understand that I will get what I ask for. So picking the right things matters. No wonder that intutive part of me was kicking up a fuss. Working to get me to notice the shift in manifesting time we are all experiencing. Often what has frustrated me is that it seemed so long between asking and receiving. So long that I’d forgotten what I asked for in the first place. Now the things I ask for are popping up almost immediately. Sometimes no sooner thought than visible in my life. That’s fast. And I have to be quick to accept and be grateful for what I have received so that I keep that lovely flow of materialisation going.
Are you feeling the pressure? Do you need to sit down and write your list of dreams? Over the next few weeks there is a great opportunity to reconfigure your life. But you have to be clear about what you require and desire. Then it can be delivered to your doorstep straight away.
When everything is urgent, nothing is urgent. That’s what I used to say to give myself a sense of the priority in all the tasks I seemed to find to do. However, I rarely gave myself permission to be at the top of any list of priorities.
I’ve had another busy day. There are lots of things on my ‘To Do’ list. Some are necessary now for my book or my art. Some need to be done if I want to make sure that my business moves forward. And some are the first steps to making my new vision of the future become real. Then there are the everyday priorities of eating, sleeping, housework and looking after the cats. My daughter has to, reluctantly, look after herself! Which one is top priority? Or do I recognise that some are equally necessary right now? If so, how do I decide what to do first? It’s really easy for me to get in a spin about prioritising. Then I jump from one thing to another never quite finishing either. Or all,of them.
Yet I’m changing. I’ve slowly come to recognise the truth in ‘when everything is urgent, nothing is urgent’. I’m proud of myself for making some significant differences in the way I approach what is a priority and what isn’t. Through the kindness of friends, who have let me use their place in Scotland and who house sit, I have come back to my rest place. My focus at the start of today was to keep my mentoring appointments, send out readings CD’s, put out some advertising and tidy up my diary. I tackled these because I wanted to leave myself clear to head back to Scotland. Before I did I knew I was doing a service at Burnley Spiritualist church.
So I also made it a priority to have an hour of rest before I went there. At one time I would have worked through that hour to write my blog. Becuase my priorities would have been on anything but me.
Making that rest a priority was important. I knew I had a three hour drive afterwards. Pushing myself to do everything only makes my time away less active as I recover from exhaustion. I knew it would mean posting it past my daily deadline. But I also gave myself permission to do that too. And I feel like I’ve accomplished all of the priority tasks of my day. So the next few days can be restful me time. I do have plans. They are very flexible though. I’ve given myself permission to do the minimum I require and the maximum I desire. This is so far away from what I used to be like that when I notice it I sometimes feel startled. Of course my Ego mind tries it’s best to drag me back to my old pattern.
It doesn’t like change at all. Let alone change that means I am free of it’s interference. That’s what I’ve given myself permission for too. My focus is to have a happy life doing what I choose to do. I want to be able to suit myself. That’s why I work for myself. So why do I let all sorts of non-important tasks seem like they are urgent? Oh yes. It’s that Ego mind wanting to keep me small and safe in a box of my own making. It’s priority is to keep me safe and possibly really miserable. That’s why giving myself permission has become really important. I have permission to grow, to change, to make prototypes, to fail. Most of all I have permission to rest when I have done enough of what I want to do.
The priorities set by others will have to wait. So will the priorities set by my Ego mind. I love reminding myself that I can give myself permission. For anything. Staying small is not my choice. I’m so glad I am changing. What priority do you give yourself? Are you last on your own list? Or not even on it? Is it time to give yourself permission to be top priority in your own life?