Sometime in a week a theme or topic seems to be ever present. Perhaps this week, because of the effect of Chiron and some Saturn energy, I’ve been paying attention to the conversations I’ve been having.
I’ve already written about that. Yet I found myself revisiting the conversations of earlier in the week when I was talking to more friends today. One of the strands of discussion was about the way in which we all go through wobbly moments. I noticed a lot of my friends have had wobbles, mainly on Tuesday and Wednesday, at the very time when the Light is returning to the world. I wobbled too. Although the energy of Imbolc, or Bridget’s Day, or Candlemas, is a positive uplift the week has been less Light inspiring than I expected. It’s as if we all got a blast of Light but got blinded by it at first.
Now that the week I’d drawing to a close I feel that I have had that Light helping me. I’ve been revisiting my view of myself. Looking at me as an I Am. seeking out any new changes or old stuckness. Probing into my inner world to identify what the wobble was all about. Because wobble said always bring things to the surface for me to pay attention to. It’s interesting how I cling to negative energy. Or perhaps it should be how negative energy wants to cling to me. Sometimes when you distance yourself from the sources of negativity it’s as if that energy flow tries to hook you back in.
I used to get hooked back in quite easily. Revisiting my experiences of the past eleven intuitive years I realised that I felt more comfortable in the negative zone.
Then I would search for the teacher who could pull me out of it. Sometimes not realising that the teacher was stuck too. Of course I was responding to the needs of my Ego. I stayed safe within the limits it set me. Even when my Spirit was prompting me that I was more than those particularmlimitations. Even in the face of my Guides pouring endless unconditional love over me. It was like I couldn’t love myself enough to believe in and trust myself. I didn’t really start to change until my Guides stopped sending me to teachers. Then I saw that co-dependency was a key factor of my comfort zone. I needed someone to validate my inner wisdom.
That’s actually quite a popular method of self-sabotage. When I revisited my search for teachers I realised that I had given my power to them. I had gone to learn with an attitude of ‘I’m not worthy’. So my lessons were hard. And I often refused to acknowledge my own wisdom of myself. I’m not alone in giving others ‘expert’.power. Our school systems tell us that our teachers know best, are like Gods and have all the power. So I went along trying to validate myself by getting teachers who might, one day, say I was some good. That I had wisdom and knowledge. In fact, that I was worthy.
In reality, I stayed stuck. I couldn’t embrace my unique combination of wisdom and experience. Or accept that it had any value to me or others.
It was only when I started to teach awareness of intuition and later energy connections that I finally let go of that inner judgement. Revisiting that time I know I had no external validation that what I was sharing was ‘right’. However I had Guides who encouraged me to continue sharing. They helped me to understand that my path was only my path. Yet if I told others about it they might be encouraged to find their path. And if I showed them what I had done they could experiment for themselves. I discovered that my best teacher about my inner world was me. It was then that I really began to embrace my own inner knowing.
Now I do what I feel prompted to do. I still read and listen to other people’s experiences. I notice the language they use to describe their experiences in case we are talking about the same things but in different words. If I find something that seems to resonate with me I will try it. Best of all, I pay attention to the conversations I have with my Guides. If I’m stuck I know they will help me revisit what I don’t yet see clearly. I enjoy being self taught. Because I’m the expert in me. And I’m the only one who can translate my experiences into meaning for me. I still love to teach by sharing my experiences.
Best of all I love it when the people I am sharing with can find their own self belief, wisdom and knowledge by connecting first with their intuition and then with their Guides. Believe in yourself. You are wiser than you know.
Day 438 of my blogging challenge.