I went out onto the hillside for a little while today. It was muddy so I had to hold on to my walking stick in the slippy places. Despite that I somehow slid, climbed and plodded to the top of the hill.
As I watched a waterfall at the top of the hill I thought about the crashing, foaming water finding it’s way down the hill. I passed an old mill on the way up, abandoned long ago with only half of the shell still standing, beside the rushing river. The water used to be dammed to create power for the mill. To hold the water a sort of pond was created. But I wondered how often the water was too ferocious and escaped the containment. Or the times when they had to open the sluices and let the water go. I paused as the cold wind caught at me on the hill top. Water is the symbol for emotions. My walk seemed to have brought a perfect sign to me.
I am very good at holding on to emotions. I hold back from vocalising them so sometimes they become stuck. It can be frustrating when I really want to flow with what I’m feeling. It’s as if I am frightened that releasing my emotions will damage my structure. Yet I saw a solidly built mill, damaged by time, still clearly holding it’s shape. It made me think about me. Am I that solidly built structure still able to hold on despite the ravages of time? I had a sense of the value of when holding is a blessing and when letting go is too. Letting go of my Centre, even though it’s my decision, is bringing up feelings of grief for me. So on the hill I let them flow out and into the water.
I can hold the balance between grief and excitement. Because letting go of the Centre is also bringing me the opportunity to do other things. New adventures. Activities I really enjoy and feel passionate about. But which might have been squeezed out by my attention on the Centre. I am finding the letting go much easier that I once would have. I know the structure remains. And now I can build a new structure on those solid foundations.
Day 734 of my blogging challenge