I’ve taken myself off for a couple of days. House-sitter in place and cats in charge. Letting myself have some compassion for me.
That’s the hard part. When things are tough I can slide into picking at myself. I believe all of us have that little negative voice that pops up when we least expect it. It was there today. Nagging at me. Because it’s been a bit of a hard week. Energy wise and work wise. I’ve been getting the tests from the Saturn energy. Old issues that I thought I’d settled ages ago. But back up in my face once more. At least I’m getting better at recognising the negative voice and the issues it brings. So I’m please with myself for deciding that I needed some time out. Actually some time away. Grounding myself once more. It’s about compassion.
I know that we find it hard to put ourselves first when we believe in being of service to others. That often leads me to try to do too much. I also know that I’m not the only one doing that. So many people want to do their best for others. Like me they practice random acts of kindness. And perhaps take on too much responsibility for the outcomes others expect. Yet where is the self compassion? Random acts of kindness I do for myself? I find it hard to praise myself. It seems big-headed. I also find it difficult to say no. That feels like an unkindness to the other person. But I say no to myself so much. I tell myself I can’t have this, do that or enjoy myself too much.
The worst of it is that I know better. I understand that compassion is for me, you, everyone. Kindness is a blessing we are all entities to.
Several times this week I have found myself in echoes of old situations. Circumstances where I have felt that someone has been trying to take advantage of my good nature. Or actually has managed to do that. They have been blind to their actions or the feelings it led to. And I have been left to deal with how I feel as a result. One two occasions I’ve actually been unable to voice my feelings. Not at all like me as I am now. Yet very like me some years ago. It made me think. Actually it stopped me in my tracks. I started to argue with myself. Because I felt I was being unkind. To the other people involved. In an instant that negative voice was there. Telling me how awful I was. Worst of all I felt as if I’d lost all that ground I had already made.
That’s when I asked my oracle cards for help. Really I was calling for my Guides to give me a nudge. How had I let that negative voice upset me? They sent me the Goddess of Compassion. As a reminder and a prompt. I was forgetting to be compassionate towards myself. Of course I know that making spiritual progress is more like an upwards spiral than a straight line. So I was certainly being harsh on myself to think I had somehow slid back into old habits. Although it was also a reminder to make sure I use my voice and make my requirements very clear in future. Sometimes an old pattern is hard to break. Because it makes me feel safe.
Though an old pattern is also a temptation. To stop making changes, especially if they are challenging, and to play safe. My compassion for me is to recognise the ‘safe’ patterns are restricting.
And, of course, to keep on making the changes. I can do that best if I honour my abilities. So as I drove to my retreat I started to think about all of the wonderful things that I have received in the last few years. I am blessed with loyal and truthful friends. They help me remember what I’m good at. The Universe has sent me transport when I needed it, a retreat when I wish to clear my head and work that I love. I have a family who are caring and compassionate. My pets comfort me when I’m stressed. And I have Guides and Inspirers who push me just that little bit further out of my comfort zone every time. For everything I have given I have also received.
Although the negative voice has tried hard this week to remind me that I haven’t given this or that, or got that or this, I looked at the scenery I was driving through and knew I have everything I require. My life is happening in a way that is bringing me all I’ve ever wanted. Because I have decided to use my abilities. In spite of my fears trying to hold me back. I have let myself discover what I’m good at. What I’m excellent at. I’m living more and more of my life in that excellent zone. So of course the tests will be there to see if I can stick with it. The negative voice is actually scared of me. And my compassion towards myself. Because it knows it’s getting quieter. It has less influence. That voice is disappearing.
So I feel like I’m back on track. The Universe will keep delivering it’s random acts of kindness for me. And I will stay compassionate with myself. If I believe in my goodness I can also believe in the goodness in others. Life will rebalance itself without effort.
Day 613 of my blogging challenge
The picture with this post if of one of the cards from the set ‘Angels, Gods and Goddesses by Toni Carmine Salerno. I have adjusted it slightly with a photoshopping app.