Over the last week I’ve been having deep dreams. Plenty of them. Tangled recollections of my past in this life. With elements thrown in that I don’t recognise. All seeming to take me back to other times.
Yet, at the same time, these dreams contain symbols of travel. Cars, trains, a large ship, even a bicycle. I recognise that I’m being reminded I’m on a journey. Though it seems, at this particular point, that in my outer life I feel a bit becalmed. Stalled in some way. Definitely waiting for something to happen. Perhaps feeling the weight of the World too much. Of course I’m plodding along in a way. I’m taking each day as it arrives and doing my best to do what I feel is right for that day. But the bigger picture is missing right now. My focus seems to have shifted to re-examining my past experiences.
So along come the dreams. Not necessarily bad dreams. Because they take me back doesn’t mean I’ve got problems with what has happened in my past. But I awake from each one with a slightly different understanding of what might have been happening back then. I see that I was given lots of choice. There were times when I decided things, for all the wrong reasons, that somehow turned out right. By linking back in the dreams I’m being reminded that somehow I have made progress. Each phase of my life has allowed me to travel a new path. By doing that I have learned so much about being human.
My dreams are also showing me the times when I felt overwhelmed by being in charge of my own destiny. Even the times when my dreams crashed and burned.
When I didn’t honour my needs, dreams and abilities. And when I resisted asking for, or receiving, help with my burdens. Even if they were the ones I had created for myself. Because I can always ask for help. Or take some time to work it out with the help of other people and Energy Beings. It is possible to lighten my load. If I can find a hearer, companions to share with or those who can sustain me. I can also, with loving kindness, hand back any burdens I have taken on that really belong to others.
My dreams belong to me. I can’t manifest any for someone else. When I go into these deep dreams I’m also being reminded that each of us has to follow their own path with their own purpose. So the people who pop up in my dream have to be allowed to move forward with their own dream. Shouldering their own burden. I can help by giving them loving kindness. But it will be up to them if they receive and use it to lighten their load. In the end we might find that we have do-created a shared dream. That would be a wonderful outcome. But I’m also being reminded it’s not the only option.
I am embracing these deep dreams. I am revisiting, once again, who I am and what I have to offer. Ready for that moment when the tide turns. And my ship sails again. I’m going to be navigating to a new place. A place of more dreams.
Day 615 of my blogging challenge
I’ve had a quiet day. Lots of time to reflect. Noticing the light and dark within and without. And embracing it all. Because balance is the lesson I’m learning.
Sometimes doing a kind of nothing lets me process better than rushing around pushing myself into activity. So I’ve enjoyed a day of reading, a short visit to the shops and a chat with a new acquaintance. Nothing too taxing for my mind or emotions. I’ve been embracing time off. Yet bubbling underneath has been an internal discussion. My Spirit and my Ego Mind have been debating my light and dark attributes. Sorting out my charateristics. Those inherent parts of my personality that surface to steer my life.
Of course what I regard as light and dark very much depends on the judgements I make about myself. But I also recognise that many of these come from what I’ve been taught. Embracing my abilities and finding a balance in who I am means checking out those learned beliefs. I’m like a blank card in some ways. Free to define myself in any way I choose. As if to help me there were rain clouds scudding across the sky. Some were dark, almost black, whilst others were whispy white against the grey. A real mixture. Exactly like I am.
Embracing all of my abilities is all about seeing that there are positives even in the darker bits. The land need rain to be fertile. The clouds are brining that blessing.
I require the dark bits so that my creativity can blossom through the challenges I set myself. My abilities need to grow and develop. But that will only happen when I have to work at it. Get through the tough stuff. And give myself a break. Embracing my inherent goodness. That’s important to me. I believe we are all good hearted. That we want to be a community caring for one another. Doing my best to help and be of service. So knowing I have some dark attributes, stuff that perhaps I might not like about myself, gives me something to overcome.
I can do that best by also embracing my light attributes. Recognising and crediting myself with those things I use to make a positive difference in the world. And somewhere in the middle is the balancing point. The place of being me that honours my whole personality. Not to be holier than thou. Or better than everyone. But to be a more complete me. If I deny my dark attributes I am presenting a false front. One that isn’t going to be as effective as the whole me can be.
Reflecting only my light attributes is a dead end. Embracing my dark attributes is the way forward. I’m looking forward to that balancing point. Now it’s time to go back to my reading and let my Spirit and Ego finish their conversation.
Day 614 of my blogging challenge
I’ve taken myself off for a couple of days. House-sitter in place and cats in charge. Letting myself have some compassion for me.
That’s the hard part. When things are tough I can slide into picking at myself. I believe all of us have that little negative voice that pops up when we least expect it. It was there today. Nagging at me. Because it’s been a bit of a hard week. Energy wise and work wise. I’ve been getting the tests from the Saturn energy. Old issues that I thought I’d settled ages ago. But back up in my face once more. At least I’m getting better at recognising the negative voice and the issues it brings. So I’m please with myself for deciding that I needed some time out. Actually some time away. Grounding myself once more. It’s about compassion.
I know that we find it hard to put ourselves first when we believe in being of service to others. That often leads me to try to do too much. I also know that I’m not the only one doing that. So many people want to do their best for others. Like me they practice random acts of kindness. And perhaps take on too much responsibility for the outcomes others expect. Yet where is the self compassion? Random acts of kindness I do for myself? I find it hard to praise myself. It seems big-headed. I also find it difficult to say no. That feels like an unkindness to the other person. But I say no to myself so much. I tell myself I can’t have this, do that or enjoy myself too much.
The worst of it is that I know better. I understand that compassion is for me, you, everyone. Kindness is a blessing we are all entities to.
Several times this week I have found myself in echoes of old situations. Circumstances where I have felt that someone has been trying to take advantage of my good nature. Or actually has managed to do that. They have been blind to their actions or the feelings it led to. And I have been left to deal with how I feel as a result. One two occasions I’ve actually been unable to voice my feelings. Not at all like me as I am now. Yet very like me some years ago. It made me think. Actually it stopped me in my tracks. I started to argue with myself. Because I felt I was being unkind. To the other people involved. In an instant that negative voice was there. Telling me how awful I was. Worst of all I felt as if I’d lost all that ground I had already made.
That’s when I asked my oracle cards for help. Really I was calling for my Guides to give me a nudge. How had I let that negative voice upset me? They sent me the Goddess of Compassion. As a reminder and a prompt. I was forgetting to be compassionate towards myself. Of course I know that making spiritual progress is more like an upwards spiral than a straight line. So I was certainly being harsh on myself to think I had somehow slid back into old habits. Although it was also a reminder to make sure I use my voice and make my requirements very clear in future. Sometimes an old pattern is hard to break. Because it makes me feel safe.
Though an old pattern is also a temptation. To stop making changes, especially if they are challenging, and to play safe. My compassion for me is to recognise the ‘safe’ patterns are restricting.
And, of course, to keep on making the changes. I can do that best if I honour my abilities. So as I drove to my retreat I started to think about all of the wonderful things that I have received in the last few years. I am blessed with loyal and truthful friends. They help me remember what I’m good at. The Universe has sent me transport when I needed it, a retreat when I wish to clear my head and work that I love. I have a family who are caring and compassionate. My pets comfort me when I’m stressed. And I have Guides and Inspirers who push me just that little bit further out of my comfort zone every time. For everything I have given I have also received.
Although the negative voice has tried hard this week to remind me that I haven’t given this or that, or got that or this, I looked at the scenery I was driving through and knew I have everything I require. My life is happening in a way that is bringing me all I’ve ever wanted. Because I have decided to use my abilities. In spite of my fears trying to hold me back. I have let myself discover what I’m good at. What I’m excellent at. I’m living more and more of my life in that excellent zone. So of course the tests will be there to see if I can stick with it. The negative voice is actually scared of me. And my compassion towards myself. Because it knows it’s getting quieter. It has less influence. That voice is disappearing.
So I feel like I’m back on track. The Universe will keep delivering it’s random acts of kindness for me. And I will stay compassionate with myself. If I believe in my goodness I can also believe in the goodness in others. Life will rebalance itself without effort.
Day 613 of my blogging challenge
The picture with this post if of one of the cards from the set ‘Angels, Gods and Goddesses by Toni Carmine Salerno. I have adjusted it slightly with a photoshopping app.
I’ve had a muddle of a week. My diary has shifted around quite a bit. I’ve had to be flexible. At the same time I’ve also had to be focused. It’s the nature of dealing with change.
There has been an spect of this New Moon where Saturn has thrown in a bit of a curve. I know these kind of curves. I’ve had a heavy Saturn influence in my birth chart for the last few years. That certainly means I have been tested. Or even that I’ve tested myself. The key to dealing with the impact of Saturn has been for me to learn to be flexible. I have had to respond to last minute changes. Recognising that the way I try to control my life can be a limitation as well as a structure that helps me. Because my diary has often turned up side down. Or got in a muddle. Things cancelled, then added and then cancelled again at the very last moment.
I know that ten years ago I was much less flexible. I expected my diary to run the way I had set it out. My life was neatly organised. Work was a set routine. In fact my focus was on so much routine that there was no freedom for the unexpected to turn up. Much less disrupt what I was set on doing. However, working intuitively doesn’t respond to the logic of a plan. It means I go where I’m sent when it’s the right time for me to be there. It’s taken me years to learn to go with the flow. And more years to learn to stay focused. Focused on what? I focus on the moment I’m in. Doing whatever I’m doing to the best of my ability. I know there is a bigger picture somewhere underneath it all. But I don’t worry over much what that is.
In fact the changes this week have left me with an opportunity to take some ‘me’ time. I’ve already got my art stuff out. I’m going to play. And be flexible about what I decide to focus on. Bring on the changes!
Day 612 of my blogging challenge
I have about forty packs of oracle, tarot and guidance cards. Although I learned to use my intuition with playing cards first. At the time I thought it was a bit of fun. Now I know it was a baby step.
Today I had an opportunity to teach a few people how to open their intuition by using oracle cards. It took me right back to my own beginnings as someone who was sceptical but willing to explore. I got a book about reading ordinary playing cards. Then a friend bought me a pack of cards for my birthday. It didn’t take me long to get going. I was fascinated with the way the information always seemed to be accurate. I read about probability, influences through telepathy, beating the odds. All sorts of information that tried to establish if oracle and tarot cards could predict. Or be accurate. I talked with a lot of people. Quite a few of them couldn’t explain why the cards seemed to work. It was intriguing.
Behind all of this I kept using the cards. I bought more packs. Making sure I read the notes and did all sorts of things to ‘bond’ with the cards. I learned what the colours, symbols and pictures meant to me. For a while I tried sleeping with a card under my pillow. Then I put crystals in top of them to charge the cards up. I got special boxes to keep my packs in. Did I prefer oracle cards to tarot? Or where they all actually the same thing? Could I use them on my friends? Was the information always correct? And if not, why not? In a way I was carrying out my own form of scientific research as I dealt card after card. I began to notice that ideas about the meaning of the card spreads seemed to bounce into my mind.
After a while I could look at the cards and there was a complete message in my head. Clear and detailed. That’s when I recognised that my oracle and tarot cards seemed to be connecting me with a source of information outside of me.
Something else was happening. I had gone way beyond a lucky guess. There seemed to be someone, or lots of someone’s, helping me to uncover details that weren’t necessarily in the cards themselves. Because I had noticed this I started to ask before I even turned the cards over for information. I would write it down. Naturally when I turned the cards over I was excited when my words matched the cards. I could only conclude that I was getting extra help from Guides of some sort. As if they wanted me to notice them. And use their input with the oracle cards. That’s when I really began to wonder who was helping me. Although it took a bit more time before I decided to go off and learn how to connnect with them properly.
In the end, as I explained to the people today, I can use oracle and tarot cards as a daily boost. That means picking a card and letting it help me focus on something particular in my day. Or I can look at the meaning of that card, or cards, and give myself an intuitive message. Once again that’s about focusing on something in my life. Paying attention to things I might not notice. And letting myself be guided if I have a challenge to deal with. If I want to be more specific I can ask a question in my mind and get three, four or more cards. Those cards will suggest ways that I can deal with the question I’m asking.
Finally, if I want to ask my Guides to help me with whatever is coming up, I can take some random cards and let my mind wander around. The oracle will be the Energy Beings around me.
Because I can let my mind respond to the ideas they are putting there. Or the feelings the pictures on the cards create. Perhaps I will see certain colours. Even shapes that have a meaning to me. Or if there are words on the cards what that represents about what is around me. Best if all, I can use the oracle cards to give messages to others. A lot of people are concerned about Spirit messages. They worry they will get upset. Or that the people who come to speak will be ones they don’t know. Sometimes they have a religious objection to Spirit messages. Even a sense of fear because of what they have been told about tarot cards.
So being able to use one of my many packs of oracle, guidance or divination cards is really useful. It’s a different way of helping and guiding. It’s also a lot of fun. And it appeals to people who like to have visual information. It’s also a way of showing people an intuitive technique that they can use for themselves. I know that many people who have a card reading decide to buy their own pack. That’s really great. Because I have shown them how simple it is to master a card reading. And it means I have helped them to start opening up their own intuitive abilities. Since I am certain that everyone has intutive ability I would really like many more people to explore what they can do too.
If you are looking for a way to get some guidance think about oracle and tarot cards. When you are ready to connect with your inner senses invest in a pack. And when you want to find out if your Guides and the Spirit World are there use the card spreads to make contact. I hope you enjoy exploring!
Day 611 of my blogging
Sometimes I find myself so full up of words. They are crammed in my throat. I want to release them. That’s when I hope someone will listen.
I know that there have been times when what I wanted to say got stuck. The timing wasn’t right I told myself. What I wanted to say felt too harsh. Or judgemental. I was angry, hurt, upset, frightened. Even feeling that it might be wrong to say the words that rushed forward. Yet if I don’t speak those words what happens? I push them back. Suppress what I want to say. Until the moment when someone else might find those words being aimed at them. With a power that has gathered strength because I’ve worried over those words for some time.
I feel that we live in a world where what we can say has been strictly defined. There are the ‘right’ things to say. And most definitely the ‘wrong’ things. Even if I know what I want to speak is the truth I might hold it back because it’s something I’m not supposed to say. That’s when I find myself feeling really frustrated. Because some of the things I might want to say could be to someone who could be behaving badly towards me. Yet being polite beats being truthful. Also being nice instead of telling it like it is. So I’m left with a jumble of unsayable or unsaid words roaming around in my head. Taking up space. Affecting my energy. Always ready to pop out unexpectedly.
With all of these stuck words I require someone who is willing to listen to them. To let me spew them out into the air. Helping me mop them up and throw them away.
Someone who can listen and not judge. A ‘hearer’ instead of a healer. But who, by the act of listening, can help me to self-heal. That’s why I work as a counsellor and mentor. I know the value of being heard. And why I talk to my Guides when I am suffering from an overfullness of words. I am not expecting a two way conversation. Or looking for answers. Even sympathy. I am taking the opportunity to clear the words out of my system. So their energy is no longer stuck in me. And my energy is no longer stuck in the words. Because saying them out loud is a way of clearing. Lightening the thoughts in my mind. They no longer need to be stuck around those particular unspoken words.
Sometimes finding someone to listen – just listen – is a challenge. Occasionally even my Guides seem to have gone AWOL on me. Then I start to write. Pouring words out of my head onto the paper. Imagining that I have a hearer siting with me to observe my words. It’s really almost as good as having a person actively listening. It can get me by. Until there is a friendly person ready to listen to me. Of course there is a trade off involved. I am actively involved in being a hearer too. It’s important to return the kindness someone has shown me. By validating my right to speak they have helped me release the energy attached to all of those words. So it’s only fair that I take my turn as a listening ear too.
Someone will always turn up who is willing to listen. Because I am a willing listener. And what you give out you get back. Offer to be a hearer for someone’s words. Then you will always be able to speak your own words out into the world.
Day 610 of my blogging challenge
It’s been a slow day. I woke up feeling out of sorts. Nothing I could put my finger on. But heavy energy.
Sometimes it’s not clear to me why I feel that the energy is heavier. I know all sorts of things might be going on in the energy ocean that surrounds me. But I can’t quite get to the heart of what is shifting around. At this kind of time I have to be kind to myself and acknowledge that I’m not feeling just quite right. It doesn’t happen often. Because usually the waves of energy are very clear. And I know that everyone around me is feeling those same waves. Yet today it felt like some of the waves were definitely flowing in the opposite direction. So were many of the things I planned to do.
When this happens I know that things might appear to be going in reverse. So I feel like I’m not moving forward but back. Given that it’s also the start of a new moon with some interesting impacts from both Mercury and Saturn yet in the outspoken Leo it’s no surprise that everything I’ve been doing has come back under review. I have been busy manifesting my desire but now I also have to check if they are really what I want. Then I have to do the work of making sure they come into being. And that might be the challenge. Taking the right action when there are all sorts of things I can choose to do. I’m being asked to be decisive. Not a good thing if, like me, you tend to procrastinate quite a bit.
However, the time for thinking is almost past. I have one more go round in this heavy energy before I start to put my creative talents into bringing in my dreams. September is launch time. In this heavy energy I need to rest, review and refocus all sorts of intentions. How about you? What will you do?
Day 609 of my blogging challenge
Sometimes I get to a point of wondering why I am bothering. It’s a natural feeling. That’s when I find I have to dig a bit deeper into my determination.
When a message seems to be like pulling teeth. Or I can’t quite seem to get whatever is being put in front of me. Even sometimes when I want to be busy and active but the energy seems to have gone. I had a few of these moments today. And by mid-afternoon was wondering if it might not be easier just to go back to bed. Knowing that I had to be in Skipton for a church service so hiding under the covers wasn’t really an option. When I get this ‘life is tough’ feeling I know I require some self-care. Somehow I’ve stopped looking after me enough. So I have to stop and dig into it.
This came up again later in the evening. I’d been talking about impatience in my philosophy at the church. One of the people at the service started talking about developing his mediumship. But he couldn’t decide if he should be doing his healing first. I understood what he meant. When I realised I could be in service with the Spirit World I imagined I might start with doing healing. Speaking for Spirits wasn’t even on my agenda. Yet I found myself doing messages first. And my Reiki training second. I wasn’t sure there was a point to my messages. Because I didn’t really see the positive impact they were having. I was too full of self-doubt.
It was only when I had to dig down into my beliefs that I understood. It mattered to me that I was helping people.
And I was uncertain if my messages were clear or good enough to be helpful. That brought on the ‘what’s the point’ feeling that I had been tussling with. As I strengthened my belief in my ability I was able to find the point of giving messages. And the point of approaching healing work once I had overcome a big chunk of self-doubt. I was glad to dig below the surface. It helped me to get past something that could have stopped me once and for all. I also recognised that my self-care had to include room for doubt, space to reflect on my beliefs and permission to have that ‘what’s the point’ feeling.
This afternoon I got an echo of this when I was facing my computer. I was trying to follow instructions to upload my book into a publishing site. The instructions all seemed to be based on knowledge I didn’t have. I felt as if I was going round in slow circles. Simple instructions? Not really I thought. I felt that ‘what’s the point’ feeling start to emerge. I could sense myself starting to feel defeated. And stupid. Because the instuctions I read seemed clear. I forgot to acknowledge that they were written with the assumption that the reader knew certain things already.
I started to take the instructions as a personal dig at my abilities. Then I paused for a moment. Perhaps today was not the day to do this?
When I considered giving myself a break the feeling started to retreat. I decided to dig out the download about book publishing I’d got from the website when I set up my account. Instead of giving up altogether I read some of this information. I know I will go back to the process tomorrow feeling much more able to do what I want about my book. Things will get done but without me pushing myself to the point where I would give up. That’s the blessing of being able to persevere. To find a different way around a block or a limitation. Letting me get where I need to go but in my own good time.
When things have really got to me I know I have to get out my spade and dig on. Keep turning things over until I find the best way of planting or nourishing the seeds of what I wish to grow. In reality giving up is never a good option. It can leave me defeated and unfulfilled. The trick is always to find another way. A different point of view. Or a recognition that a pause is a good strategy. And, of course, to employ patience and self-love in huge dollops to anything I am doing. It’s the love that can keep me on track. Recognising that today might not be the best day to do what I’m expecting of myself. And doing instead those things that feel easier, simpler or less demanding.
And, of course, to dig into that place of being instead of doing. Sometimes the most important thing I find is that I have to stop doing. And take time to be instead.
Day 608 of my blogging challenge
Believing is a big part of what I do. Although there was a time when I certainly didn’t believe in myself, my Guides or what I was being told about the Afterlife.
Today I was recalling that time when believing seemed to be a real effort. At the beginning of my mediumship, even though I was getting accurate information, I found it hard to trust that Spirits exsist. It took a lot of time, patience and many, many messages before I could accept their presence in my life. So I understand how hard it can be to believe in miracles. Those random happenings that resolve the challenge in front of me. As if by magic. Completely unannounced and unexpected. Miracles happen. I just never know when one will occur. That means it can be a frustrating waiting game when I require a miracle.
First of all I have to be in a position of believing something miraculous can happen. When I keep telling myself it’s not possible there really is no room for something special to happen. Because I’m blocking the possibility. Keeping wonderful stuff at bay. If I get into believing it can happen the next issue is my desire to control when and how. I know that most of us have a definite plan for what we want to have happen. I find myself wanting things to turn out in a certain way. By a precise time. So when it doesn’t I can get anxious and my belief wobbles. That’s the hardest part for me. When I get the wobbles. Because that can stop the miracle solution in it’s tracks.
It has taken me a lot of practice to let the Universe deliver what I require in the way it has to be. Letting myself remove my own expectations so I am open to all possibilities. Steeling myself to trust that everything will turn out exactly right. With each miracle that turned up I have stepped closer to believing I will always receive all of my dreams and desires. Miracles do happen. If I let them.
Day 607 of my blogging challenge