One of the gifts of being human is thought. We are a thinking species. Overlaying our feelings is this magical process of interpretation that goes on all the time.
Thinking is our way of learning. Observing the repetition of experiences and developing patterns of response. Then being able to anticipate and create different actions to modify those experiences. Thinking is an awesome talent. At any level. Because it can take the feelings information and translate it into memory and meaning. But that’s where I feel it can come unstuck. I turned into an over thinker. I had to look at situations and consider them from every possible angle. Especially if a repeat experience was likely to make me feel more uncomfortable feelings. Or to put me on the receiveing end of uncomfortable feelings from others.
I found a while ago that I had developed an aversion to uncomfortable feelings. Anger, sadness, fear, anxiety. And many more. Simply because I wanted to avoid any conflict. The fall out from those feelings brought guilt, self doubt, blame and unhappiness. Instead I began checking out what I was thinking and stopped doing. Until I got myself all tied up and paralysed by indecision. I wanted everyone to walk away happy from every conversation, action or experience. But I’d forgotten that life isn’t really like that. There is always light and shade. Not taking action actually created as much conflict as getting on with doing.
Sitting at the back of my mind was the judge. And it wasn’t until I noticed her that I began to stop thinking.
Intuitive information comes through feelings. It’s not a thought thing at all. Even if I do think about something I’ve done or said afterwards. When I’m channelling the information through from the Energy Beings it emerges in what I feel. Because I’m in an altered state of consciousness. A not thinking state. As I experienced this different way of relating to myself I could see the part of me that was always ready to say I’d got it wrong. Or done something wrong. Or hadn’t done it well enough. Pulling this part of me out into the daylight let me see how often it had influenced me into over thinking.
Because I wanted to escape being judged I would analyse, review and revisit my decisions again and again. Never actually putting any of them into practice. Scared of being an idiot. Or so I thought. Frightened of offending someone, some law, some rule. I saw how much time I spent trying to back up my decisions with ‘fact’. What a waste of time. No wonder experiences were passing me by. Life was slow and heavy. I had made it so. The judge took some defeating. Learning to be spontaneous again was actually harder than it sounds. I persisted in challenging the judge. Over thinking is not the way for me to live. Getting into my feelings again took time. Yet with a recognition that I wanted to change my approach to thinking I got better at doing. Felling a prompt then following it through.
I’m not completely free of over thinking. Every now and then echos of old experiences throw me back into too much analysis. The judge is quieter but still trying to have her say. I only listen after doing though. And love myself enough to remember that judgement is something for the Afterlife. Not for today.
Day 494 of my blogging challenge.
There is a piece of equipment in a gym called a treadmill. People use it to keep fit. But there is another meaning to this word. It’s a large wheel driven by people or animals to make machinery work.
When I was working I moved things around. Usually bits of paper. Sometimes people. Occasionally bits of machinery. I was part of a machine. Not made of metal. Or powered by electricity. I was part of a human machine. We all kept the treadmill turning to churn out outcomes, outputs, results. It was very hard for me to escape the machine. I kept wanting to put myself back on the treadmill. Even when it was toxic for me. It was an addiction I couldn’t seem to give up. My drug of choice was money. Because I believe that I had to work hard, get paid and spend that income on keeping myself from starvation and homelessness.
I bought into these ideas because I had no other ideas. No realisation that there could be any other way of life. The treadmill nearly killed me. And that’s how I managed to step off. I walked away from the machine. During the time when I was flailing around wondering what to do next I started to pay more attention to my spiritual journey. I read and read. Drawing inspiration and ideas from many sources. There were many suggested ways that I could go forward. Lots of people had apparently found the way to perfect peace and joy in their lives. All I had to do was choose. That’s when I stepped onto a different treadmill. The machine of spirituality.
I know many people find it hard to consider that spirituality has become another treadmill. But I spent time, money and effort going from one thing to another expecting each time that I would find the perfect life.
It was the same as when I was working. Lots of conflicting suggestions, all sorts of outcomes and no clear focus to my ‘work’. It took me quite a while to process all the information. But one day I noticed that spirituality is only possible when lived in the real world. That I and everyone else had to make choices moment to moment to live as a Spirit in a human body. And my first choice was to get off this new treadmill. To decide I had to act only for myself. That my first act needed to be a recognition of the way I had been hooked in once again. I had to face my inner world. The world that seemed to rely on a ‘machine’ for safety. What was wrong with being outside the machine?
In a sense I was fighting with that saying ‘Old habits die hard’. Moving from the familiar to the unknown is a huge step off a cliff. As the unknown rushed to meet me there was a reflex grab for the safe and known. So back to turning the hamster wheel even harder. Except I found that I recognised much quicker that being responsible for my self was the true freedom. That my Spirit would guide and support my efforts to live a more spiritually focused life. Now I resist the pull of the treadmill. I have become used to recognising the familiar ‘concerns’ that my Ego mind throws at me. I am getting better at facing the fear and the drag of the machine. I’m sure that one day I will be free of the endless, enclosed circle of a ‘safe’ life.
For now I am a work in progress. Determined to stay off the treadmill. Taking every step away that I can. But realistic enough to know that the temptation is still around. Whenever I dither about a decision, or change, or what is best I know I have to steer myself in my own direction. And refuse the treadmill.
Day 493 of my blogging challenge.
Sometimes I feel like howling at the the moon. The lone wolf in me has had enough. I’m tired of trying my best. I want to head off alone. And leave everything behind.
I feel there comes a point in the process of change that is a real squeeze. I’m too far forward to go back. Yet hanging on by my fingertips to the past. It is what has defined me. So it’s safe. But very restricted. The future me is undefined. Unknown. I feel as if I’m the lone wolf. Running ahead of the pack. Sensing my way forward past the danger, imagined or real, that waits up ahead. But I don’t want to be a lone wolf either. I want my pack around me. Even want them to be making the decisions for me. Because that is easier. I can always say it was their fault if things go wrong.
In truth the lone wolf is just that. I am the one who is responsible for myself. It’s me making the choices. So when I can’t choose I’m ready to howl. Howl at the restrictions on my creativity. Roar at the fear that is pushing and pulling at me. Scream my resentment of the expectations I place on myself. Most of which are the product of other people’s expectations of me. And whimper at my lack of confidence in myself. Because otherwise all I would sound is the whine of my despair. Change is a dispiriting process. At times the excitement of the new is wiped completely by the concrete stuckness of the old. Breaking out of old habits is hard.
So is understanding the basis of those habits. I stand, like a lone wolf, panting and howling, raging against being human in the first place.
Today has been a day of wanting to go home. Back to the dimension I originated from. To leave the struggle of being human far behind me. I’ve wanted to escape what’s in front of me. Mostly because I know I’ve gone a bit off track. I’ve forgotten what my passion is. I’m still trying to do what is expected of me. Instead of racing off to do what I want. So the Universe has been slowing me down. No, the Universe has ground me to a halt. My batteries are flat. I’m frustrated with myself. The easy way to deal with this is say that it’s the world at fault. I also know that’s not true. I understand I’m not honouring my talents. Which means that no one else is either.
The lone wolf in me wants to snap and bite. Yet that wolf is also a leader. One who is prepared to be in advance, scouting out the way for the rest of the pack. Being brave enough to howl when necessary. Or to test the ground as much as is needed. Even if it means being the only one. Being alone. Running ahead all by myself. The cry of my innner wolf means several things today. It’s is the strength I draw on to persevere over rough ground. It is the eyes to see through the darkest night. And the intelligence to find the firm, safe ground on the path ahead. The wolf in me will spring ahead once I’ve finished my anguished ‘Why?’ cry to the Moon. Because there are creative solutions to changes. And I’m good at sniffing them out.
If it’s been a lone wolf day for you too I welcome you to my tribe. If you are going through changes I remind you that you are a creative being too. Join me in a chorus of howls before we move on once more.
Day 492 of my blogging challenge.
I’ve been doing mentoring and healing today. Both kinds of work relate to the burden I feel we all carry. The sense of responsibility we all feel at some time for ourself and one another.
I believe that human beings have a natural sense of caring. The desire to support and love one another. Along with the understanding that we have to support and love ourselves too. However, over time this sense of community is overtaken by a sense of responsibility. Perhaps even a deeper drive to rescue not just take responsibility. However I know that we have all been encouraged to take more responsibility for others than ourselves a lot of the time. It comes through in our social structures. In the way we teach children to look after others. Sometimes at the expense of themselves. I notice this especially with feelings. And how they burden us.
I remember being told to ‘play nice’, to be polite, tactful, not to speak out or complain. In my working life I was part of a team, constantly told to think of others, help others, do my bit for everyone. And in my spiritual life I was encouraged to believe that helping others was a selflesss purpose that would eventually bring it’s own reward. Whatever that meant. It took me a long while to recognise that whilst I was doing all of this I was also being encouraged to ignore my own feelings. My needs had become secondary. So much so that to say anything about what I needed was classed as making waves.
Then I became a parent. And the responsibility landed firmly on my shoulders. That’s when I realised what a burden all the other responsibility had become.
When I had to take responsibility for someone who actually couldn’t take responsibility for themselves it seemed I had lots of other people who needed me to look out for or look after them. Or their feelings. Even their lives. I wondered how it had happened. Because it had been well hidden from my inner eyes. And I wondered if I was supposed to keep being responsible. It seemed obvious that my child needed me. But what about the others? Could they take responsibility for themselves? That was the point when I realised that I could put my burden down.
Strange as it might seem, or perhaps not, I felt incredibly guilty. It took me a long time to work through why that was. Finally I understood that being part of a community is about caring and sharing. But that there had to be a giving and receiving too. Eventually I began to spend time on my own. The solitude helped me to work out who was responsible for what. It also helped me to recognise that my first responsibility was towards me. To contribute I needed to be fit and able to do so. When I realised this I stepped back from the burden of expectations too. It became possible for me to look after my own needs before considering someone else.
The burden of responsibility that I most need to put down is the one I place on myself. The one that says I have to be everything to everybody. And forgets that I also have to be something to me. Now I try to help others put down their burden too.
Day 491 of my blogging challenge.
I love helping people to let their intuition emerge. It’s been a passion of mine since I began to understand the process of accessing intuitive information.
Over the past couple of days I’ve had the privilege of seeing the hard work that people have been doing really pay off. I know that improving my connections has made such a difference in my work with the Energy Beings. Accurately representing them to others matters to me. So when other people work hard to understand their own energy connections I feel that we have taken another step towards Ascension Consciousness . Sitting with the groups of students trying to understand energy connections, plus a Reiki student this afternoon, I realised that I was seeing their Spirit Light emerge. Perhaps tentatively at first. But gaining in confidence over time.
We all have a Spirit Light. I’ve always called it my ‘secret messiah’. The part of me that wants to manifest for the greater good of all. The bit of me that has been trying to emerge all of the time I have been here on Earth. And the aspect of myself I have tried to suppress most often. Because that’s what we do. Misunderstand what it means to let the Spirit Light shine. I know that we accept the limitations we are exposed to. In a way I and nearly everyone else have been busy shutting down the intuitive connection every time it looked like it was going to open again. I learned to shut it down very early in my life. But I’m no different than anyone else. It’s the way of the Western world particularly to close off to intuition.
And perhaps that is why there has been such a spread of Eastern spiritual ideas. An attempt to get us to focus on what can emerge if we let it?
That’s the key. Am I brave enough to get past my fear of the unknown. How do I know what will emerge from within me? And will I really be a ‘better’ person? Of course over time I have worked through this knotty issue. A kind of push/pull debate about how to embrace more of my intuitive side. Letting my new nature emerge for a bit. Then dragging it back into the shade. Testing whether I liked the intuitive me. Wondering who I would be at the end of the journey. One of the mantras I used to encourage myself is ‘Om Mani Padme Hum.’ In a simple translation it is ‘the jewel is in the lotus’. I am the lotus. Within me is my jewel.
However, it can also be interpreted, through it’s six syllables, as a deeper appreciation of the steps necessary for enlightenment. I came across this mantra at a time when I was struggling to let my intuition emerge. I was still doubtful of my worth in the world. Because my inner confidence had been, as I felt, shaken by the events in my life. However, this mantra gave me something else to think about. Using the image of the lotus flower as it unfolds to reveal it’s heart I recognised that there are many intuitive layers to be understood. As well as many material layers to being human. It gave me confidence to keep trying. And to let myself work through each layer without fear. Now it is helping me to support others as they make their journey into enlightenment.
I am glad that I have been able to take what I need from wherever I found it. That the guidance has always emerged from the mess of my puzzlement. And that other people are making a similar journey to embrace the truths that hide in plain sight all around us.
Day 490 of my blogging challenge.
An hour has gone missing. Sometime in the night I jumped forward. Now I’m feeling tired when my brain says it’s still early. And my body hasn’t been fooled at all. It wants to sleep!
Here in the UK it’s the first day of British Summer Time. So our clocks have been put forward by an hour. Even though my eyes read the time now as 8pm my body is trying to tell me it’s getting late. It’s all to do with the missing hour. After a few days I’ll adjust again. Be back to normal. And forget all about the hour that seems to have gone astray. Like jet lag, I’ll get back to the time zone of the place I’m living. Life will move on and I will too. Yet I’ve often wondered what happened in that missing hour. It’s an interesting thought. One that makes a lot more sense when I talk to my Guides about time.
Because the Guides and Energy Beings are outside of time. Outside of what we understand to be time. And free to roam through time in any sequence they choose. If it sounds like I’ve strayed into Dr Who territory it’s because understanding that there is no such thing as time is a great help. That I never actually ‘miss’ anything. But the way in which it happens may be a bit muddled. Time may jump around a bit. Especially if I’m sensing energy rather than human reality. It’s possible for me to sense something happening before it does. Or to know intuitively that something I feel I’ve missed has actually happened. Just not in the time I’m in at the moment.
Missing out never really happens. I believe that everything we are meant to experience does come in. However to make sense of it I feel we have to be prepared to jump around our own personal timeline.
When I think about my life I now realise that some of the knowledge I have is only useful now. It wasn’t at the time I obtained it. In fact it was information I pushed to one side. But pulling bits and pieces together in this moment explains why I’m where I am right now. Missing puzzle pieces suddenly appear and fit. And there is a shape to my experiences that confirms the ‘feel’ I have for what is to come. Again I would probably say I don’t know how I know but I know for it for a fact. It’s as if the missing time is actually still connected. But hidden. What does all of this mean? I like to embrace the idea that if something hasn’t happened for me yet it will have at some time. It’s that I haven’t caught up with the experience.
And that there are no missing parts to my life. If I give myself enough time I will be everything I have always wanted to be. I know you might have to work at understanding this blog. Like me, you may find that dealing with the idea that time can jump around sometimes makes your head hurt. However, all of us sense ‘the future’ if we pay careful attention to that bit of us that knows exactly what has apparently gone missing. Let your future be a good one!
Day 489 of my blogging challenge.
For once I’m free! I’ve managed my time so that I can have a weekend away from my desk. I’m even writing my blog in advance so it can be posted first thing before I head out.
I need some free time. A letting my hair down day. An all work and no play makes me dull moment or two. March has been a big mountain to climb. I feel well and truly tested. My ‘Feck It’ moments have been coming thick and fast. Trying to navigate a whole load of choppy energy. And remaining calm throughout. I have certainly needed my swear box. Telling myself that it doesn’t matter. Reminding myself that in the greater scheme of things I could be dead tomorrow. Not in a morbid way but to help me keep going. Not so much the joy of Spring but the What the heck happened of Winter endings. Now it’s time to step out of it all.
Life could be constant worry. I don’t think there is anyone who is totally free of concerns. We are good at finding things to be anxious about. It’s the way we have been raised. So letting myself be free of worry even for a short time does feel strange. Yet I’m excited too. Being responsible, adult, takes a lot of effort. The freedom of childhood is something we are only too quick to give away. I look at my teenage daughter pushing to be a grown up. And I want to hug her. Tell her to slow down. To enjoy being free of everything for a little bit longer. Soon the full weight of her adult life will crowd in. Work, a home, bills, citizenship, making a contribution. All those expectations. I’d love her to be free as a bird for as long as possible.
I know that she will have to find the free moments when she can. Just like me. So for now I’m finished with my blog. The lure of fun and frivolity is with me. Back soon. Perhaps!
Day 488 of my blogging challenge.
Many of my messages come through a conversation. Either the person I’m talking to says something that I know is from Spirit. Or they tell me I’ve said something they really needed to hear. Or recognise as being from a loved one in Spirit.
Standing chatting in the Square this afternoon I was enjoying the sunshine. Our conversation was about that thorny subject – what is mediumship? As I talked I felt a familiar tingle. My Guide Wolf Running had his hand on my head. And next to me was a Guide belonging to the other person. I knew what I was saying had significance for both of us. So I listened carefully to the words that were falling out of my mouth. It was interesting to hear a reminder of why I started developing in the first place. And why I continue to share my knowledge about intuitive abilities.
Back in the beginning I was mostly curious. I wanted to understand what was happening. Why did I feel tingles at certain times? How did I seem to know what was going to happen? Or that a client was surrounded by loved ones from Spirit. Yes, I was already helping people through my counselling. I moved in that direction when the corporate world became too toxic and uncaring. As I opened up to the information from my intuitive senses I became more involved. I wanted to understand at a deeper level. Because I felt I had found a better way to help people. That’s how I fell into mediumship. Somewhat reluctantly but going with it all the same.
The urge to help is very powerful in all of us. I know I have a conversation with myself every time I am around people who are stuck, lost or floundering. I want to somehow make it better.
As I continued into the connection with Spirits I found I was better than average at it. Still reluctant to believe in myself (or them) I fell into demonstrating and giving messages one to one. That’s when I hit a big challenge. My need to help was fed by my Ego Mind. It told me how much better I could help by making sure I was the one people heard. There was a sort of competitive edge that wanted to creep in. I had a hard conversation with myself once again. Using my abilities was about being of service. Not being the big I Am. I decided then that when I was asked I would serve to the best of my ability. That’s how I found myself teaching. Reluctantly. But reminding myself it was because of choosing to serve others.
Lots of things I have done have been in the background. Quietly. A conversation with one person. A message to another. A healing thought to a third. Visiting places when asked to by Spirit. Connecting people when required. Encouraging people to move on when the time was right. Because to me mediumship is a whole lot more than standing on a stage just to flatter my ego. The temptation was certainly there. But I’m glad I resisted. That’s not to say that everyone who works publicly is doing it to feed their ego. I know many wonderful mediums who serve day in and day out in public settings. They are there because it’s their form of service. It’s what has been requested of them. But I want to add a note of caution. A few aren’t serving anyone but themselves.
That’s a sad conversation to have. To recognise that their Guides have to wait until the Ego Mind has run it’s course. And hope that not too much damage has been done to the public in the mean time.
I encourage people to recognise mediumship in all of it’s forms. Including the healers, psychics, Tarot readers, geomancers, intuitives, and empaths (amongst many names) who might cross your path. Along with the ordinary, kind hearted and open people who offer you support and encouragement when you most need it. They are serving too. Quietly. For no visible reward. Passing on the love that is all around if we choose to be open to it. I believe that intuitive ability is natural for all of us. And I also believe that when required we are all of service on behalf of Spirit. It’s just that we don’t recognise it. Or know how much our help has mattered. The Spirit World would like to thank you today for everything you have done on their behalf. And ask you to keep doing it <3
Day 487 of my blogging challenge.
Sometimes it’s easy to get distracted. To forget to recognise that love is everywhere. If I open my eyes and really look I will see the random acts of kindness that happen all the time.
There is a particular cafe I go to for my latte. That’s because it tastes like it’s been made with love. The people are friendly so I always have a chat. There is a warmth that is genuine. Not ‘customer service’ from a manual but customer focus from genuine caring. As I discussed the events in London yesterday someone reminded me that the most important bit was that people went to help. Everywhere around the scene people were doing what they could. I know that it’s tempting to leave a place where trouble is kicking off. To get safe and stay safe. But some people chose to see what could be done for the injured and dying. A true sign of love for another.
As I crossed to work the market stalls were busy. One of them sells amazing curry dishes. Not much choice but whatever is on offer if freshly prepared with passion by the cook. He enjoys offering people food that tastes good. It’s another little sign of love. In my building are many creative and caring people. We always exchange greetings, smiles and conversation. Asking one another how we are. Of course we could walk past each other without a second glance. Because some people do that without thinking. But we acknowledge our shared connection via the building. It’s another little signal that love underpins the connections between people.
I had opportunities to chat with several good friends. Their warmth and support enveloped me as I gathered my thoughts. Everywhere I looked today there was shock and sadness. How to bring back the love?
Then I realised that it hadn’t gone away. These friends were showing me loving kindness and I could return it or share it too. Some emails to answer and phone calls. Approaching them with love. That’s the way to remind myself that love is everywhere. Then I had another reminder. It’s my day to connect with the Energy Beings to give a Letter From The Light Side. As I did so I was enveloped in a cloud of loving energy. Healing came in huge bursts for me and to send onwards through my video. And back from the broadcast came the love from the people watching or reacting. I knew a lot of Light had been delivered into our world.
Sitting with my daughter this evening, talking about her day and the sadness that people would be feeling, we both knew that finding love in all of this was important. Reminding ourselves that hatred and fear would never overcome the goodness that people can offer each other. Everywhere I look I’m going to be seeing the love. I’m going to ignore the words of violence and fear. And respond to the acts of aggression with as much loving forgiveness as I can. I’m aware that many people will, in their feeling of vulnerability, react in an angry way. But my focus is to spread the love. Encourage others to see and share the love. Reminding myself and others, daily, that when we notice it love really is everywhere. In us and outside of us.
Day 486 of my blogging challenge.
I was busy at my desk. I love turning my photos into messages. The radio was on. But the announcement was all about troubled times. Someone had attacked people going about their everyday lives.
In the aftermath people will be given bad news about their loved ones. Lives changed forever. The question why will be uppermost in people’s minds. Why me? Why them? On a wider level the fear and uncertainty generated will mix with the shock, disbelief and anger of grief. Many of us will be troubled by this attack. No matter what the reason for this action it reminds all of us that life is an uncertain process. It’s easy to fall into a negative response. To go about with fearful hearts. Getting angry becuase of a feeling of vulnerability. But I want to focus on the love we need to find within us.
The love of being alive. The love to understand that death will come to all of us in very many different ways. The love for one another that is the antidote to hate. I feel it’s important to recognise the troubled minds who take the love of aggressive action as their right. The people who act from misguided or troubled love. Who believe that love is best represented by acts of extreme violence. Someowhere in their lives they have chosen a perverse path where hate and fear are called love. We may never know or understand why. What I can do is to focus my mind on the purity of love. The respect and compassion for others.
If, in their troubled times, these people had chosen differently, by a different understanding of love, today’s events would have been impossible.
Making these attacks an impossibility happenes when all of us bring love to the fore. When we embrace our differences and learn to live as one global community. When we begin to rebalance the structures we have put in place. And change our attitude from ‘then and us’ to ‘all of us’. It’s not the first time that there have been attacks in the UK or Ireland. And many other countries around the world have suffered similar experiences. Today is the anniversary of an attack in Belgium. In some places attacks are an everyday occurrence. With that in mind I return my thoughts to love. Love is the only way. It will always be the only way. Teach your children and grandchildren the love of our global community.
Day 485 of my blogging challenge.